NO – Keep Portland Cuddly.

Portland’s professional cuddler is organizing Cuddle Con — the world’s first cuddling convention — on Valentine’s Day.

Samantha Hess, the owner of Oregon-based snuggling service Cuddle Up To Me, dubbed the day-long conference “the most important event in cuddling history.” Couples, singles and groups of friends are all invited.

Cuddle Con will include a slew of human touch-focused activities, including yoga sessions, dance classes, a massage workshop, pillow fights, piggyback rides and a giant snuggle party.

Cuddle enthusiasts must take a 30-minute consent class before they can touch any other participant, and organizers will not tolerate any funny business, Hess said: No nudity and nothing sexual.

You know what’s kind of cute and romantic? Hanging out and going to dinner or taking a trip with your significant other on Valentine’s Day. You know what’s not cute and romantic? Going to Cuddle Con, taking a 30 minute consent class and then cuddling while a bunch of strangers watch you. Even single people are welcome, so I’m sure that won’t be weird at all. I got skeeved out reading the line “a slew of human touch-focused activities”, so I imagine actually going to this would be a horrible idea. If you’re a person who thinks this a good idea I have a couple hundred wooden nickels I want to sell you.

– Ryan