Living in Rhode Island, we’re not strangers to winter storms. Every winter, the Northeast gets hit with snow, with some years being worse than others. Last year, we got hammered for almost 3 straight months, and even as someone who enjoys the seasons and likes snow, it was a bit much. The 2015-2016 season has been a lot easier on us, as we’re entering the third week of January without any significant snow. According to weather people everywhere, that’s about to change. Instead of complaining about it, we decided to have some fun with it, and name the blizzard that will rape and pillage all the milk and eggs from Stop N Shop.
Winter Storm Norm
The most important parameter to follow when naming any storm is rhyming. If you don’t get tickled at the thought of a fictional winter storm with a rhyming name, then you shouldn’t be able to leave your house, and if you can’t leave your house then what’s this all been about? Winter Storm Norm is stoic, classy, can play the Sax and is the type of guy you go to with woman troubles. Think of him as a Ron Swanson that could cover your home in 10 feet of snow if he wanted to. This weekend I plan on holding up in the basement of my house with a beer(s), New Girl on netflix and a blanket to keep me warm and let Winter Storm Norm rock me to sleep.
Blizzard Mona Lisa Vito
I want my blizzards to have a little sass and attitude, and who has more sass and attitude than Mona Lisa Vito? Nobody. I want a blizzard that comes in guns blazing, blanketing us in snow and spitting in our eye at the same time. The red dress might make you think that she’s here for a good time, but you couldn’t be more wrong. Blizzard Mona Lisa Vito is here to break your heart and drop copious amounts of snow on your ass. A classic tease, Mona Lisa Vito is coming in for the weekend, not even giving us the pleasure of a day off from work.
Why? Why do so many people walk in the street during a snowstorm? The roads are already narrow enough because 99% of plows do a terrible job. Now I have to dodge adults and children who think it’s a smart idea to walk in the street while cars are sliding out of control? I don’t think so. Either drive your car to work or stay in your house. Don’t walk around the streets and pretend it’s a Winter Wonderland, because it’s not. It’s Hell on Earth. I gotta go to work.
Boreas? I know we get the winter storm names from high school students in Montana but come on. We couldn’t have skipped over this one? A quick Wikipedia search shows “Boreas” was the Greek God of the North Wind. Whoopity-do! Let’s get creative, people. The United States is OK with naming a winter storm that is heading towards the north eastern part of the United States after the Greek God of THE NORTH WIND?
I need the weather channel to be better than this. They brought the criticism on themselves when they started naming winter storms. Did you think the general public was just going to let you coast by while you make a mockery of the storm naming game? Not on my watch. Step it up. Screw the high school suggestions. Have some pride, and give these storms the names they deserve.