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Ryan Reynolds’ Birthday Tweet To His Wife Is Why He’s The Funniest Celebrity On Social Media

I’m sure you know who Ryan Reynolds is. He’s the devilishly handsome actor who just broke a bunch of box office records as Deadpool. He’s also married to the devilishly beautiful Blake Lively, which almost isn’t fair to the rest of the world. If that’s not enough, he’s also the funniest celebrity on social media. The latest example of this is his happy birthday tweet to his wife yesterday:

That is some funny stuff. Is it legal for someone to be that handsome and also that funny? I’ll let it slide as long as he keeps the funny tweets going, which he’s already doing:

-Ryan (not Reynolds)

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Ted Cruz Gracefully Bowed Out Of The Presidential Race & Then Elbowed His Wife IN THE FACE

It’s too bad Ted Cruz doesn’t have an ounce of likability. If he did, I think this election season would’ve been a lot different. Between all the weird interactions with his own family, Zodiac killer jokes and pretty much everyone in the world he’s ever worked with saying they hate him, I feel like this could’ve been a good underdog story. But people like underdogs, so I guess that’ll never happen with Cruz. Also, when I put ‘gracefully bowed out’ in the headline of this post, I meant ‘Donald Trump won every primary and Cruz was mathematically eliminated’. But hey, some guys win elections, some guys lose elections and some guys get slaughtered by Donald Trump and then elbow their wife in the face during this concession press conference. All of this would be a lot funnier if this guy didn’t just get a free ticket to the general election:

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-Ryan

Lauren Tannehill Isn’t The Smartest Person in the World

Source – Lauren Tannehill, wife of Dolphins quarterback Ryan Tannehill, recently returned a rental car but forgot to remove an AR-15 rifle from the back seat. The weapon was found by the next rental car customer, a New York woman, who turned it in to authorities.

“This is certainly the kind of item you don’t want to forget anywhere, but forgetting isn’t a crime,” Broward Sheriff’s Office spokeswoman Keyla Concepcion said, via the Miami Herald.

More details via the Herald:

According to a BSO report, Lauren Tannehill, 26, rented a Nissan Rogue from E-Z Rent-A-Car on Jan. 4. She had the vehicle for about two hours, then turned it in for another. That same day, Judith Fleissig, 58, of Rochester, N.Y., rented the same Rogue. She later found the gun, valued at $2,000, secured in its case in the back seat, according to the report.

“We got out of the car, we were kind of freaked out,” Fleissig told the South Florida Sun-Sentinel. “I didn’t want to touch it.”

The Tannehill's AR-15 rifle. (photo courtesy of Judith Fleissig)

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I don’t want to jump on the blonde stereotype bandwagon right away, but anytime you leave an automatic weapon in a rental car and you just so happen to be a blonde woman it’s tough not to bring it up. Now is Lauren Tannehill beautiful? Yes. Do I want to touch her hiney? Yes. Is her husband a horrible, awful quarterback? Triple yes. None of these three things can really excuse leaving that kind of gun in a rental car. I don’t know much about gun owners but Lauren doesn’t seem like the poster child for automatic weapons. I need more info on this story and I need it now. In the meantime, I’ll be perusing through pictures of Lauren Tannehill for clues. Somebody’s got to do it, and it might as well be me.

– Ryan

Rob Ford Knows What Women Want For Christmas

Source – Toronto Mayor Rob Ford responded to a U.S. sports radio show’s question about what he was getting his wife for Christmas by saying: “Just money, women love money.”

Ford made the comment Thursday during his regular phone-in chat on Sports Junkies, on 106.7 The Fan, based in Washington, D.C.

Ford is on the show to talk sports and make NFL picks, but when one of the hosts asked Ford about his holiday gift-giving plans for his wife Renata, he replied: 

“Just money. Women love money. Give them a couple of thousand bucks and they’re happy. Get some treats on the side obviously for her,” he said. “At the end of the day, she wants her cash. So I give her a nice cheque and we’re all happy.”

When asked what he hoped to get from his wife, Ford said: “She always surprises me. I have a fantastic wife.”

The comments come a day after Ford apologized for the second time to Toronto Star reporter Daniel Dale, who had threatened to sue the mayor for comments made on a television interview earlier this month for former media baron Conrad Black.

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This is the tamest Rob Ford has been in months, but when you have a chance to write about him, you have to do it. He’s just too big of a star right now. The funniest part of this whole scenario is that Rob Ford is probably the last person on Earth I would ask for advice on holiday gifts for my wife. I can’t imagine too many people listening to that interview or reading that article are taking Rob Ford’s advice. He doesn’t exactly have the best street cred right now. With that said, if someone writes me a big, fat check for Christmas, I’m not turning it away. I’m just happy he didn’t say he was getting his wife crack.

– Ryan

P.S. Now I have to turn into this radio show every time he’s on. He’s the definition of must listen radio.

Meet ‘Star’, the 25 Year Old Woman Who Wants to Get Married to Charles Manson. Yes, THAT Charles Manson

(Source) Convicted murderer Charles Manson is marrying  a 25-year-old supporter, she has claimed.

Star, a name given to her by the 79-year-old  cult leader, moved next to California’s Corcoran State Prison when she was just  19 to be closer to him and has recently carved an X into her forehead to match  his swastika.

‘Yeah, well, people can think I’m crazy,’ she  told Rolling Stone magazine in a lengthy article  about her beau. ‘But they don’t know. This is what’s right for me. This is what  I was born for.’

Star, who runs multiple websites calling for  Manson’s release, said she knows she will be his wife.

‘I’ll tell you straight up, Charlie  and I  are going to get married,’ she said. ‘When that will be, we don’t  know. But I  take it very seriously. Charlie is my husband. Charlie told  me to tell you  this. We haven’t told anybody about that.’

But Manson sounded a little more apprehensive  when the interviewer asked him about his impending nuptials to Star.

‘Oh that,’ he said. ‘That’s a bunch of garbage.  You know that, man. That’s  trash. We’re just playing that for public  consumption.’

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This is frightening. Can’t Charles Manson just die already? Because now there’s a new generation who apparently think his writings are worth following. Is it too late to create a law where we just throw people in jail for no reason? Star would be the first person on that list. A 25 year old inspired by Charles Manson who carved an X into her head isn’t someone I feel comfortable with. If there are levels of crazy then Star is on top of the god damn mountain. Lock her in there with him and throw away the key. Problem solved.

– Ryan

Alan Markovitz With the Power Move of the Century

(Source) “A Michigan man has erected a giant bronze  sculture of a hand with its middle finger raised in the direction of his  neighbor – who also happens to be his ex-wife.

Alan Markovitz, 59, a Detroit strip-club  entrepreneur, erected the 12-foot-high, spot-lit sculpture in the backyard of  his lakefront Orchard Lake home.”

Flipped: The sculpture stands on the back porch of Alan Markovitz's home

This is kind of awesome/insane. Nothing says your over your ex wife like moving next door and building a giant bronze statue of a middle finger facing her house. People can hate on Alan Markovitz all they want. I like his style. He’s just a simple strip club owner who never, ever let’s a grudge go.

– Ryan

P.S. I don’t think it’s possible to get any creepier, Alan.

Stripped bare: Markovitz bought the house directly next door to his ex-wife but says he's totally over her

King Mswati III’s Days Are Numbered

King Mswati III of Swaziland pictured during his visit to Taylor's University near Kuala Lumpur on July 3, 2013

(Source) “Swaziland’s King Mswati III has chosen an 18-year-old beauty pageant contestant as his 14th wife, a palace spokesman said Tuesday, days before a much-criticized parliamentary vote.

“I can confirm that the king has introduced to the nation a new liphovela (royal fiancee),” said Ludzidzini palace governor Timothy Mtetwa.

Mswati, a 45-year-old who is sub-Saharan Africa’s last absolute monarch, introduced Sindiswa Dlamini at a Reed Dance celebration over the weekend, Mtetwa told AFP.

She wore red feathers on her head — a sign of royalty.

The young woman graduated from Mbabane’s St. Francis High School last year and is a finalist in the Miss Cultural Heritage beauty pageant. The winner will be announced on September 28.

The king has come under fire for his household’s lavish lifestyle while the tiny mountain kingdom’s 1.2 million people struggle to make a living.

Mswati reportedly has a personal fortune of around $200 million (152 euros) and the UN estimates that 70 percent of his 1.2 million subjects live below the poverty line.

He has steadfastly resisted reforms.

The new engagement was announced at a festival which also counted regional delegates who will observe parliamentary elections on Friday.

Critics have slammed the polls as a sham, partly because political parties are banned and candidates are hand-picked by traditional leaders.

The weekend’s celebrations were a smaller repeat of last month’s official annual Reed Dance, where young virgins from across the kingdom gather and dance for the king.

“It just happened that the international community was there to witness the event,” said Mtetwa.

The wedding only takes place once the fiancee falls pregnant. Dlamini will then become Mswati’s 14th wife.

The monarch’s colourful private life is off-limits in local media, but has drawn a lot of international interest.

Three wives left the household in recent years. The latest, Queen LaGija, fled the palace in 2012 claiming years of physical and emotional abuse.

Another queen, LaDube, was reportedly abused after she was caught in bed with the justice minister, a close friend of the king.

Mswati had kidnapped and married the queen when she was 16 in 2005.”

King Mswati is just kind of doing whatever he wants over in Swaziland. Kidnapping girls and marrying them. Having a personal fortune over $200 million while 70% of the country is living below the poverty line. Real humanitarian. Well I have news for you King, you just made the list. The list of human rights violators that George Clooney takes out for a living. He does Spanish coffee commercials, builds spy satellites and spies on your ass until you submit. It kind of sucks to be King Mswati at this point. Yeah he’s rich and a king but Clooney is fresh off a breakup. He will show this fat bitch no mercy. I smell a 15 some with Clooney and the kings wives. I never thought I would be this jealous of so many women from Swaziland

– Ryan

P.S. Clooney

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Alec Baldwin Goes Nuclear on Twitter

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George Stark your days are numbered.  In a recent article posted by the aforementioned British reporter, he claims that Alec Baldwin’s wife was tweeting during James Gandolfini’s funeral.  Alec Baldwin did not take kindly to these acquisitions, to say the least.  Alec went on a little twitter rampage to vent his frustrations with Stark. Here are the tweets.

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“…Hey thats not true, but i’m going to tweet at your funeral” Holy shit, that escalated quickly. George Stark, run for the hills.  Because now not only do you have Alec Baldwin after you, but me as well.  How dare you write an article about Tony Soprano’s funeral and not make him the center of attention. Instead you go to the petty story of the day, a few random tweets. You have my attention Mr. Stark, and not in a good way.  Proofread your pieces 20 times over, because hell hath no fury, like my friends and I, when we find improper grammar online.  Not to mention Billy Baldwin is probably coming after your ass. Your cooked.

-MattyV

P.S. There is a special place in hell for people who try to make a fool of Alec Baldwin.

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