Justin Bieber is going to space.

God. Damnit. I was so full of hate. I felt alive for the first time in years. I despised Justin Bieber with the fire of a thousand subs. I even wrote a post about his demise a few weeks ago. The icing on the cake was his outfit at the Heat game on Monday. I was too full of joy to even write about it. I would have bet anything that he would fade into bolivian and we’d never have to hear that beautiful voice again. Wrong (Charlie Murphy voice). According to my super secret source (the internet) the Biebs is going to space. Not only is he going to space, but he’s going with one of the coolest people on the planet: Sir Richard Branson. While attempting to read the article, I learned that it will cost Bieber $250,000, a stiff price for 99% of the people who live on this planet. Then I continued to the read the article and learned that Justin Bieber made $55 million last year. If that doesn’t make you want to kill yourself then I don’t know what does. Moral of the story: Justin Bieber isn’t falling, he’s soaring. Stuffing any supermodel he wants, wiping his ass with $100 bills and flying to fucking outer space. Oh, and he’s 19. I will now go play in traffic.

– Ryan

P.S. If anything I’m scared for Justin Bieber. Once Matt finds out Bieb’s is going to space there won’t be a force in this world that will stop Matt from finding him and killing him.