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Some Guy “Accidentally” Bought Bananas Infested With Spiders That Give You Four Hour Erections

SURE A BRISTOL mum has revealed her shock after she found a bag of bananas her husband had bought from Tesco were infested with spiders – which are known to give men erections.

Maria Layton, 43, mum of Siri, aged six and Phoebe aged three, made the frightening discovery after opening the bag of bananas bought from Tesco.

The Tesco bananas were exported from Costa Rica – home of the world’s most dangerous spider – the Brazilian Wandering Spider aka Banana Spiders whose Greek name means “murderess”.

They are aggressive and venomous spiders which can lead to death and serious injury – including a painful four-hour erection.

Maria, of Westbury-on-Trym, said:” My husband bought the bananas from Tesco. They had been in the house a whole day before I ripped the bag open.

say what?

I’m not buying this story for one second. You mean to tell me that this husband just happened to pick the bag of bananas with boner inducing spiders inside? I think the ‘death’ side effect is meant to throw us off the scene of this being on purpose, but I don’t believe it. Is it a risky move? Yes, but some guys will risk death to get that rare four hour erection. I think this husband knew what he was doing and now that he got caught, he’s turning into the boy who cried wolf. While a four hour erection isn’t necessarily my idea of a fun Saturday afternoon, this guy obviously had big plans this weekend. If this isn’t turned into a porn parody of Spiderman by the end of the year I will have lost hope in the human race.

– Ryan

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Yeah, Fuck That. I’m Never Eating Fruit Again

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A Pennsylvania woman got quite the shock Thursday when she was washing some red grapes and felt her fingers brush up against something slimy. Yvonne Whalen saw a long spider leg creep over the top of one of the pieces of fruit and immediately dropped the colander into the sink.
A spider expert later confirmed what Whalen’s initial Internet search revealed — it was a young black widow crawling on the grapes. – HuffPost

Yup my fruit-eating days are done. I might not even set foot back in a supermarket after this. If spiders are my #1 most hated thing on this planet, then Black Widow spiders in my grapes is a personal hell that I want no part of. Spiders go back the way you FUCKING came and leave my fruit alone. If my doctor asks why I haven’t been eating my fruits and veggies this is a total legitimate excuse. All i’m going to eat is pizza, because then at least I know a spider couldn’t survive the baking process. PLUS, I can track the order on my computer through dominos, they would let me know if they spotted any godless, hell beast spiders in my pie. My cholesterol is going to be through the roof, and that’s fine. Just as long as I don’t see any god damn spiders near my food.

-MattyV

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