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Twitter News Weekly: #ArianaGrande Licked #JaredFogle From Subway

This week we explore the dark side of celebrities and sandwich spokespeople. Ariana Grande licked a donut, Jared from Subway got really creepy and I’m Ron Burgundy? All this and more on Twitter News Weekly!

– The Average Nobodies

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The ‘Beast Mode’ Sausage Sandwich is Almost as Stupid as Pete Carroll’s Stupid Face

Seahawks suck – It’s time to grub up for the Super Bowl, and with the Seattle Seahawks facing  off against the Denver Broncos, there is a unique cuisine to sample from these  Western cities.

You could start your day on a Seattle kick, with a warm coffee from your  local Starbucks. Then, for lunch, transition across the Rocky Mountains to  Denver and get your lunch fix at a Quiznos or a Chipotle. As you settle down  before the start of the game, put some craft beers into the ice chest so they  can chill in time for kickoff.

But if you’re looking for a meal that screams “Go Seahawks,” look no farther  than the Beast Mode Sausage.

Named after the Seahawks bruising running back, Marshawn Lynch, who has been  given the Beast Mode moniker for his style of running, this sausage mirrors  Lynch’s football personality. A butcher in Puyallup, Wash. has combined sweet  and spicy meat with Skittles, the candy of choice for Lynch.

That’s right – sausage with Skittles on the inside.

So while the 12th man may have to travel across the country to cheer their  team on live in Metlife Stadium, at least they will have something to snack on  as they prepare for the championship game.

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The Seahawks couldn’t just beat my 49ers and be done with it. Now they have to make a travesty out of my favorite sandwich. What’s next? Are they going to cancel my favorite TV shows? Beat up my grandma? There are only three things that should go on a sausage sandwich: peppers, onions and mustard. Not skittles. Never skittles. You’re insulting sausage lovers everywhere, which I now realize sounds a little weird. But the seahawks are basically rebelling against America. And if anyone is looking to point a finger of blame, point it at this world class asshole..

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I hate you Pete Carroll. I hope your burn with Satan in the depths of hell.

– Ryan

Nothing Will Stop Me From Eating a McRib…NOTHING

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The above picture has been hot fire all over the inter-webs.  What you see there, if you don’t already know, is a what a McRib looks like frozen and before it is cooked. Looks like a mix between insulation and those road strips that they have on the side of the highway to alert you when you are drun…..sleepy at the wheel. Anyone out there who is offended by this picture wasn’t going to eat the McRib sandwich anyway, and honestly that means more for us. “Us” being the population who will be buying these by the truckload knowing that it is only a matter of time before they are taken from us again.

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This is America, home of the processed foods. If you don’t like it, don’t eat it. Eat whatever looks appetizing to you. Just know, you are probably eating something else that looks equally as gross as the McRib does frozen, but not any where near as delicious when cooked. I can guarantee that this picture will not only leave McDonalds revenue on the McRib unaffected, but will increase sales. I’m hungry now. McRib city.

-MattyV

Egg Salad is Going the Way of the Dinosaur

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Furious doesn’t even come close to describing how I feel right now.  Let me set the scene…I walk into one of my favorite lunch establishments by my work, walk up to the counter, and order my “usual”  (My “usual” happens to be a egg salad sandwich).  The woman–nay, demon temptress– behind the counter informs me that they don’t carry egg salad anymore.  You’re kidding right? How is a deli not going to carry egg salad? it’s like McDonald’s putting the kibosh on hamburgers! Oh, and this isn’t the first time this has happened to me, no way, this shit happens to me all the time! I’m not sure what problem people have with eggs and mayonnaise, or what member of the chicken salad mafia is paying them off, but it has to stop.

Increasing the population of egg salad sandwiches starts with you! Stand up to your local deli counter and explain that you will not take this lightly, and that egg salad is here to stay.  Pack egg salad for your kids lunch’s and make it as a snack for the neighborhood punks. Only you can bring egg salad back from the brink of extinction.  If my numbers are correct, and they are, the last egg salad sandwich will be crossed off menus sometime next year. This is Gods work, and i’m privileged to do it.

-MattyV

PS- And don’t tell me you hate eggs! You sound like an idiot.  Liking eggs should be a requirement for citizenship.

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