Blog Archives
Welcome to Florida, Where People Offer Salad to Prostitutes
FLORIDA – Police conducted a reverse prostitution operation that resulted in the arrest of 10 men, including one who thought he could pay for sexual services with a salad and another who is a former local basketball star, Daytona Beach police said
The operation started shortly before 11 a.m. Monday and lasted into the afternoon along areas on South Ridgewood Avenue that are known for problems with prostitution, according to Daytona Beach police charging affidavits. All 10 men are charged with soliciting a prostitute.
We have a running joke on Average Nobodies about how insane Florida is, but it’s really no longer a joke. The citizens of Florida consistently lose their goddamn minds and pull of some otherworldly stunts. Offering salad to a prostitute as payment for sex is so Florida that it might as well be it’s state’s motto. At this point, it’s impossible to be surprised at stuff like this coming out of Florida. It’s turned into a breeding ground for psychopaths. It’s also such a Florida move to arrest the men who used the prostitutes and not the prostitutes themselves. Keep on hookin’, ladies. But guys, you better watch your shit, because if your offering one these fine females a salad for sex you’re getting busted. Game. Set. Insanity.
– Ryan
Thanks to LUNA for the tip.
Egg Salad is Going the Way of the Dinosaur
Furious doesn’t even come close to describing how I feel right now. Let me set the scene…I walk into one of my favorite lunch establishments by my work, walk up to the counter, and order my “usual” (My “usual” happens to be a egg salad sandwich). The woman–nay, demon temptress– behind the counter informs me that they don’t carry egg salad anymore. You’re kidding right? How is a deli not going to carry egg salad? it’s like McDonald’s putting the kibosh on hamburgers! Oh, and this isn’t the first time this has happened to me, no way, this shit happens to me all the time! I’m not sure what problem people have with eggs and mayonnaise, or what member of the chicken salad mafia is paying them off, but it has to stop.
Increasing the population of egg salad sandwiches starts with you! Stand up to your local deli counter and explain that you will not take this lightly, and that egg salad is here to stay. Pack egg salad for your kids lunch’s and make it as a snack for the neighborhood punks. Only you can bring egg salad back from the brink of extinction. If my numbers are correct, and they are, the last egg salad sandwich will be crossed off menus sometime next year. This is Gods work, and i’m privileged to do it.
-MattyV
PS- And don’t tell me you hate eggs! You sound like an idiot. Liking eggs should be a requirement for citizenship.
