Blog Archives

Vladimir Putin Scored 7 Goals During His Birthday Hockey Game Because If He Didn’t Everyone Would Be Dead

Vlad celebrated his 63rd with an exhibition hockey game featuring former NHL players and he unsurprisingly scored 7 goals. Putin is one of those guys that scares the living hell out of me because he’s so self obsessed. Who’s throws a birthday party for themselves? I’m not talking about one with former NHL players either. That’s just a psychopath move in general. It’s like well I have no friends so I might as well throw MYSELF a party. Just a bizarre move. You know everyone cheering him on in the audience was paid, and that poor opposing goalie. Vlad could’ve been playing a wheelchair and that goalie would’ve let 7 shots trhough. Another ‘triumph’ for one of the world’s saddest men.


OH GOOD – Russia Has Lost Control Of It’s Unmanned Spacecraft & It’s Plunging Back Towards Earth

Damn itMoscow (AFP) – Russia said Wednesday it had lost control of an unmanned spacecraft taking supplies to the International Space Station and it is plunging back to Earth but is likely to burn up in the atmosphere.

The loss of the Progress supply ship, a Soviet design known for its reliability, is the latest embarrassment for Russia’s space programme that has been recently hit by a series of mishaps.

Grim-faced officials from the Russian space agency told a hastily arranged news conference that the capsule had been lost.

“Most likely it is some sort of unforeseen situation related to the separation of the ship from the carrier,” Alexander Ivanov, deputy chief of the Roscosmos state agency, told reporters.

“It is impossible to say now who is guilty and of what.”

Roscosmos chief Igor Komarov said the vessel’s debris is likely to burn up in the atmosphere, estimating the cost of the launch and the spacecraft at nearly 2.6 billion rubles ($50.8 million).


Well hopefully this god damn spacecraft burns up in the atmosphere or else Russia is in a heap of trouble. This is the scary part of space. We send an unmanned ship millions of miles away and hope for the best that everything goes smoothly. We don’t know what’s up there, or who’s up there. Maybe an alien did this. Maybe there’s an entire army of space creatures sabotaging human space missions. I’m all for NASA and other space agencies getting shit done, but space scares the shit out of me. The shit literally just flies right out. $51 million not exactly well spent.

– Ryan

Staying With the Vodka Posts: This NEEDS to be an Olympic Event

This NEEDS to be included in the 2016 summer games. Chug a bottle of vodka and swim a lap? Genius! I’m not saying it isn’t dangerous, because i’m pretty sure it is, no, I know it is, but how entertaining would this be? Super entertaining. However, I do have an amendment to the rules. A whole bottle seems like a bit much to drink. if this was an actual rule there is no way anyone would beat the Russian team. Just wouldn’t happen. Those gargantuans are bred for drinking vodka. So, in the name of safety, lets say you drink a fifth and then swim your laps. That seems much more reasonable.


Alaska Wants to Secede Back to Russia – Bon Voyage You Ungrateful Frozen Igloo

SourceA petition on the White House website is calling for the state of Alaska to secede back to Russia.

It came only a week after Russian ambassador Vladmir Chizhov joked on TV about taking over the 49th state following speculation over Putin’s next move in Europe.

More than 30,000 people have signed the petition, Alaska back to Russia, which advocates a vote for secession of Alaska from the United States and joining Russia. 

It is not known whether the signatories are Alaskans wanting to secede or the rest of the US wanting to get rid of its state and its former governor Sarah Palin.

The petition needs to reach 100,000 signatures in 30 days before the White House has to act on it.

However, a Supreme Court ruling after the American Civil War makes unilateral secession unconstitutional.

Alaska was mentioned last week by Russian ambassador Chizhov on the BBC’s Andrew Marr Show

When Marr told the ambassador that US senator John McCain had warned Moldova could be next on Russia’s list, Chizhov replied: “Should I tell Senator McCain to watch over Alaska?”

Marr said: “Well they’ve got Alaska already, it’s slightly different.”

“It used to be Russian,” Chizhov jeered.

“Oh, ha, it’s a very worrying thought,” Marr said. “You’re not moving into Alaska, I hope.”

To which Chizhov replied: “(Laughs) I’m joking, of course. Nobody has anything to fear from Russia.”

Palin had warned about Putin’s expansion ambitions for Ukraine in 2008.

She said: “After the Russian army invaded the nation of Georgia, Senator Obama’s reaction was one of moral indecision and equivalence, the kind of response that would only encourage Putin to invade Ukraine next.”

The state of Alaska was bought from Russia in 1867 for £7.2m and officially became part of the Union in 1959.

bill murray animated GIF

First off who wrote this article, The Doctah? Somebody tell Yahoo it’s ok to write in paragraphs. Secondly, if Alaska wants to succeed then I say we let them. I’m not trying to call Alaskans racist but they’re basically racist. We FINALLY get a black President and now all of a sudden you want to go back to Russia? Alaska is basically its own country anyway so I’m assuming they just heard the news that Obama is black. Can’t slip that past ole Ryan. All of a sudden we’re digging up documents from 1867 about how we purchased Alaska from Russia with a currency I can’t understand. Ain’t nobody got time for that. Let us keep the Keystone pipeline and you can have all the igloos and Sarah Palin you want. Pretty sure those are the only two things stupid enough to live in Alaska anyway.

– Ryan

P.S. If for some reason we have any fans in Alaska I want you to know this article isn’t about you.

Monsterblog Wednesday: 5 Man Dream Team vs. Putin’s Pussies

Now that Vladimir Putin has made it clear he’s not messing around in Crimea, I think it’s time America’s best and brightest band together and show him that just because you can ride a horse without a shirt on does not mean you can tell us what to do. NOT UP IN HERE PUTIN! Here are our respective dream teams that we’d take into the field of battle against the ring stealing madman:

Matt’s Team – The Avengers Redux

Matt_5 man team

My team is set up very similar to The Avengers. As the captain (America) of my team I serve as the level headed leader for a crew that can be described, at best, as “unstable”. Andre the Giant (Hulk) serves as team muscle and pretty much destroys anything in his path. As a man who has been known to slug back 30 beers in one casual sitting, i’d like to see Putin’s army stack up against him at the bar. Ain’t gonna happen. Next on my list of psychos is the terminator himself, Arnold “The Governor” Schwarzenegger (Thor). The man who has single-handedly kicked more ass than all of Russia combined will be my lead guy on the battlefield. There is no weapon he can’t fire, no vehicle he can’t drive, and no neck he can’t break. Now onto my cocky, yet effective, right-hand man: Bear Grylls (Iron Man). The modern day MacGyver,  the man who can survive in any element, and under any conditions would be a perfect addition to this mod squad. If I need anything while out on the field of battle, Bear can get it done. But i’m not going to trust him with a gun, i’m smarter than that. Last, but certainly not least, Julius Cesar. While I can’t really equate this man to anyone in the Avengers, I can safely say that he will fit in nicely with this crew. Serving as the “Brain” to my “Pinky”, Julius will be my field general. He will out smart the Russian army, take control of their cities, and make them fight one another purely for the sport of it.

I can’t lose. Game. Set. Vieira.

Ryan’s Team – Hell’s Army

Ryan 5 man team jpeg

Team Captain: Vincent Kennedy McMahon. He’s been leading oddballs into battle since the 70s, and what Vinnie Mac wants, Vinnie Mac gets. His income is vast, and I’m pretty sure he’s the biggest supporter of America living today. Vinnie Mac oozes patriotism. I need his business savvy and overall insanity to lead this band of brothers.

Warriors: Teddy Roosevelt, Bruce Lee and myself. My abilities, especially in warfare, are pretty limited. That’s why I’m going to rely on my boys Teddy and Bruce to do the heavy work. Teddy Roosevelt was President of these here United  States and I’m pretty sure he used to hunt animals with only a spear. Plus, MUSTACHE. Bruce Lee is probably the toughest/fastest human in history and I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s already actually killed someone. Old school brute force combined with new school lighting quick action. Good luck Putin.

Wildcard: Robert Ford. But wait, there’s more! Will Rob Ford be high on crack and die? Will he break his ankle or stumble backwards and get killed? Or will he be the saving grace of my dream team? That’s the beauty of Rob Ford: you never know what you’re going to get. But my bet is on he smokes crack and dies.

Simply stated, I love my team. Send us in a la Bruce and Ben in Armageddon, except this teime Putin is our asteroid. Prepare to be drilled (not in a sexual way).



Help support our YouTube web series, Twitter News Weekly! Twitter News Weekly uses YOUR tweets to tell the news. A new episode is released only once a week, but we hope to change that. Every dollar you pledge helps us make better and more frequent content for you! Pledge your monthly donation (as low as 1 dollar per month) at Different donation levels will get you a specific reward from The Average Nobodies.

Monster Blog Wednesday – New Olympic Events

olympic ringsAll this Olympic stuff on the TV has got The Average Nobodies thinking (and that can be dangerous). We were thinking why watch the same events over and over and over again? We want some variety with our world-wide winter sporting events. So here it goes, The Average Nobodies are creating two all-new Winter Olympics events we hope get picked up by the time the next time these games roll around.

Freestyle Snow Angels


Easy addition to the winter Olympics. What was the first thing I did when I saw fresh pow pow as a kid? Fall-ass first into it and start making snow angels like a madman of course. No snow day was complete until I made 1,000,000 Matt angels in my front lawn. Just pure ecstasy.

Now fast forward 20 years and i’m ready to take my talents to the big league. Snow angels will be scored on 3 facets: Entry, form, and exit.

Entry is exactly how it sounds; How gracefully can you get into snow angel position? Flopping Bron Bron style isn’t going to cut it. Put some showmanship in your routine. Form is how you flap them arms and legs. Judges are looking for 3 things: RHYTHM, RHYTHM, RHYTHM. Don’t just flap wildly. That’s not going to get you the gold. Lastly, judges will be judging you on your exit. How carefully can you get up so that you don’t screw up your masterpiece. This was always is hardest feat to complete and scoring will be weighted as such. Make the perfect snow angel and even YOU could be an Olympic hero.

Just don’t count on the gold; i’m taking that home at every Olympics until I die. Nobody makes a snow angel like Big Fudge.


Dodge Beer

I’ve been lobbying for this to become an Olympic event for years. It’s the greatest drinking game in history, and it deserves to take it’s rightful spot in the Olympic games. Beer drinkers have been ignored for centuries when it comes to Olympic events. Just because we enjoy a few beers here and there doesn’t mean we should be shunned from glory. Dodge beer is a simple game. 4 citizens from every country form a team. The game is played 4 via 4, with 4 beer cans each (8 total), a ping pong ball and a picnic table. The best beer drinkers win. Simple as that for your simple ass. Instead of gold, silver and bronze medals, winning countries get free beer for specific time periods.

Bronze – 1 year

Silver – 5 years

Gold – 4 lyfe

– Ryan

Maxim Trankov Just Put the Entire Olympics on Notice





Is that a member of the Russian Imperial guard or a grotesque men’s figure skater? Powerhouse of an outfit. A lot of people might be talking about his skating but not me. He’s in the fucking Olympics. I’d hope he’s a good skater. Everyone is a good skater in the Olympics. But Maxim has a fashion sense that just can’t be taught. You’re either born with it or you’re not. And Maxim was born for this day. His hair may be dirty, his beard may be patchy, and he’s still a Russian male figure skater. But on February 6th, 2014, the history books will remember that Maxim Trankov had an A+ outfitt.

– Ryan

Steven Segal and His Fists of Fury Might Run For Governor of Arizona

Oh good. This is just what we need. Steven Segal and his velcro facial hair making an even bigger mockery of our political system. It seems like his main and only agenda item is border control. Having a delusional movie star running for major political office is worse than illegal immigrants trying to get into our country. Steven Segal needs to stick to slap dancing in the streets of Russia. Hit the music!

– Ryan

%d bloggers like this: