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Rhode Islanders Can Rest Easy Today: The Potato Burglar Has Been Caught

French FryProvidence police said Monday that a man accused of using a potato to look like a weapon in two attempted robberies has been arrested.

Officials said 34-year-old Gary Deming was already being held at the ACI on other charges.

Providence police said Deming admitted during an interview to the two attempted robberies. He said he attached the potato to the end of a butane lighter.

Deming was charged with assault to commit robbery.

Workers at a Shell gas station on Branch Avenue said a potato-wielding man tried to hold them up April 21. They scared him away with a bat.

Police said the same man tried to rob a dry cleaning store on Charles Street about 30 minutes later. The owners gave him a counterfeit $20 bill.

Thank God

45 people got shot Easter weekend in Chicago but they’re probably thanking their lucky stars they didn’t have to deal with the potato burglar. Rhode Islanders can sleep with both eyes closed now. This long nightmare of a man with a potato and a thirst for blood is over. When I first saw the headline, I honestly thought a drunk guy tried to steal a potato from a convenience store, which would be weird but kind of understandable. Robbing a convenience store with a butane lighter and a potato, on the other hand, is something that is not meant to be understood. Probably a good thing he got caught because he was a horrible burglar. If all you get after two robbery attempts is a counterfeit $20 bill then maybe its a blessing in disguise that you got caught. Spend a little time in prison and rethink your robbery strategies (don’t use a potato as a weapon). Trust me when I say this, we haven’t heard the last of the potato wielding mad man known as Gary Deming.

– Ryan

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The Smartest People in the World Stole $113,000 Worth of Alcohol

(Source) The ever-growing list of food capers continues, this time with $113,000 worth of stolen liquor. According to Grub Street, the booze burglars made off with 1,314 1-liter bottles of Gordon’s gin, 912 71mL- and 120 500-mL bottles of Baileys, 744 1-liter bottles of Bell’s whiskey and 540 1-liter bottles of Smirnoff vodka. The alcohol was supposed to be sold at duty-free stores in Manchester Airport, however the bottles were stolen from a transport yard in England and are probably now destined for the black market. 

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This is smart. If you’re going to risk your freedom stealing something then you better make sure it’s worth it. Alcohol is always worth it. 1 million out of 1 million times. If i went through the trouble of stealing all this alcohol there is no way I’m putting it on the black market. Any money I make will pale in comparison to the money I save from never having to buy hard liquor again. 540 bottles of vodka can easily last you a few years, unless you’re the worst drunk in the history of the world. Gin and whiskey aren’t my thing, but I respect the desire for variety. Baileys is an oddball choice. Actually it’s just kind of stupid. Needed some tequilla. If you’re stealing $113,000 worth of alcohol and you don’t get tequila you’re a poor excuse for a human being. Plain and simple.

– Ryan

Has Anyone Been More Undeserving of a Nickname Than the “Snowboarder Bandit”?

(Source) “A Riverside man dubbed the “Snowboarder Bandit” because of his ski-type clothing and youthful appearance pleaded guilty Thursday to robbing banks throughout Orange County, including one in Newport Beach and three in Irvine.

Michael Brandon Franks, 30, was convicted of 10 felony counts of second-degree robbery and two felony counts of attempted second-degree robbery, according to the Orange County district attorney’s office.

Franks committed 10 robberies at nine banks between December 2011 and March 2012, the Daily Pilot reported.

In each of the robberies, Franks entered the bank wearing distinctive headgear that included a motorcycle helmet or beanie and sunglasses. He then slipped the bank teller a note that stated he had a gun and demanded money, prosecutors said.

Irvine police, with the assistance of FBI agents and Orange County sheriff’s deputies, arrested Franks at his home in Riverside in May 2012.

At the time of his arrest, authorities found money “fanned out” in the passenger side of Franks’ vehicle, a ripped up demand note and several used Band-Aids that were used to cover his fingertips, according to the district attorney’s office.

Franks faces up to 10 years and six months in state prison when he is sentenced in January.”

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I have to admit when I read this article I was jealous of this guy. Not only is he robbing banks, but the cops slapped him with a cool ass nickname. “The Snowboarder Bandit”. Ironic, since he lives in California, but still cool. I pictured him sliding in on a snowboard in full gear and goggles and calmy saying “give me your money dudes”. All the female bank tellers secretly love him and the security guards straight up respect his style. Turns out the “snowboarder bandit” wears a sweater vest, jeans, sneakers and a winter hat. Whoever is giving out bank robbing nicknames needs to reevaluate their criteria. This is bullshit. Not one thing about this guy makes me think he goes snowboarding. Call him the “winter hat in a tropical climate bandit”. That seems a little more fitting. I’m glad this guy got arrested. That’s what he gets for living a lie.

– Ryan

Juan Mendez is Apparently a Big Fan of Hamburgers

(Source) “State police arrested a 33-year-old man who allegedly walked up to a Long Island McDonald’s drive-thru window and threatened to shoot employees unless the worker at the window gave him some hamburgers. 

 Juan Mendez-DePaz allegedly told the worker he had two guns in his vest when he went to the fast-food restaurant in Riverside early Sunday. 

The worker closed the window and called 911.

State troopers responded and confronted Mendez-DePaz in the parking lot. He was still wearing the cowboy hat and black vest described in the McDonald’s worker’s 911 call, police said. 

The suspect displayed a large knife on his hip, and was taken into custody after a brief struggle, state police said. 

Mendez-DePaz was charged with criminal possession of a weapon and first-degree robbery. 

Information on an attorney for him wasn’t immediately available.”

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Juan, Juan, Juan. First day of robbery school you go over robbing a McDonalds drive thru on foot. If you’re actually going to try and execute this robbery, a swift plan B should definitely include fleeing the scene in some capacity once they inevitably close the drive thru window and call the police. You’re not winning any humanitarian awards standing in the parking lot with what I have to believe was a beautiful black vest and an enormous knife. Get your shit together, Juan, and next time you’re going to rob a burger joint, pick a respectable establishment that doesn’t put onions on their burgers.

– Ryan

P.S. Information on an attorney for him wasn’t immediately available. You don’t say? You mean to tell me attorney’s aren’t chomping at the bit to represent this guy? Shocking.

Joel Donaldson Sucks At Robbing People

(Source) A Brooklyn cellphone crook’s poor wardrobe choices led to his arrest when his saggy jeans tripped him up during his getaway attempt and allowed cops to chase him down, police said. Joel Donaldson, 21, allegedly punched his victim in the face before snatching her phone at around 2:30 p.m. at Court and Remsen streets, just steps from Borough Hall. He then tried to get away on foot, but didn’t get far. His droopy blue jeans — which left his boxer shorts exposed — kept slipping down as he ran. A cop who was directing traffic nearby spotted the bungling bad guy’s sorry sartorial situation and hurried after him. Donaldson made it only about a block before his pants were completely around his ankles, allowing the officer to tackle him near Joralemon Street. “He was zigzagging all over the place, but he couldn’t run because his pants was falling down,” witness Arlene Williams said. “This cop saw it, and he went right after him.’’ Donaldson was arrested two blocks from Brooklyn Criminal Court and charged with robbery, cops said.

Belt-less. I really don’t understand some people. If you’re going to go through all the trouble of punching some poor lady in the face and stealing her cell phone, you’d think you’d invest in some comfortable clothes. Maybe gym shorts? Running shoes? Basically anything but baggy jeans. You rob some lady’s cell phone in baggy jeans you’re getting caught every time. The most important part of a robbery is getting away. I could go up to some lady on the street and knock her lights out, but I get winded running to first base in beer league softball so the chances of me getting away are very slim. Joel has all the gifts you want in a thief, yet he let his pride and baggy pants get in the way. Get some new clothes Joel, or invest in a belt

– Ryan

Jaime Neil Robbing Gas Stations Like It Ain’t No Thing

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Meet Jaime Neil. The man who robbed a UK gas station wearing a clear plastic bag. I’m no master thief, but you learn in robbery 101 to hide your identity. Its 2013 Jaime, there are literally camera’s anywhere. Disguising yourself with a plastic bag is literally the worst way to hide your identity. To add insult to injury, Jaime used his cell phone as a fake gun, only to have it start ringing during the holdup. Whoever taught Jaime how to rob must be shaking their head in disgust. Just a poor excuse for a thief. Maybe try your hand at another illegal activity, like selling drugs or smuggling guns. You’re embarassing those who take robbery seriously.

– Ryan

P.S. I’m glad this guy isn’t from Florida. They were starting to max out on their crazy.

Florida Man Gains Potato Chips, Loses His Mind.

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“Wonder if the flavor was ‘Assault and Vinegar.’ After being arrested for stealing potato chips from a Naples, Fla. drug store, Jacky Rogers told the deputy he would find, rape and kill his family, according to an arrest report obtained by Naples News. Rogers, 28, allegedly told the drug store manager, “I am hungry, man, I need to eat,” Fox 4 Now reported. He also allegedly told the Collier County deputies handcuffing him that he would “whip” their “a–es.” Rogers is charged with petty theft, according to the Collier County Sheriff’s Office. Arrest records show this is the sixth time he’s been jailed over the past two years, on charges including theft and battery.” – HuffPost

A man’s gotta eat. I can’t blame Jacky Rogers. In college I stole eggs and bags of chips from convenience stores when having beer money was an absolute necessity, although judging by his mugshot it looks like he might need heroin money. I think there are two very important questions that need to be asked here. What kind of chips was Jacky so obsessed with? If they were Cool Ranch Doritos then the cops owe Jacky an apology. You can’t expect a man to act rational when CRD’s are involved. He probably just saw blue and went for the kill. Give the guy a break. The second question is how does the same guy who steals a bag of chips threaten to murder and rape a cops family? I feel like chip thieves don’t dabble in the rape/murder game. All I know is I need that “assault and vinegar” line in my repertoire immediately. Game changing creativity.

– Ryan

P.S. If it turns out he stole Sun Chips they should give him the death penalty.