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Anything But Average Animals: Fiona The Baby Hippo

Ever since watching the 1993 classic, Free Willy, as a wee young tot, I have lived in a reality where any animal can become my pet if I just try hard enough. (P.S. Jesse, you did the right thing by letting him go, but that moment could still make me bawl my eyes out on cue…you’re a good guy, Jesse.) Fast forward to 1994 when I was making it a daily (more likely an hourly) point to convince my dad that our bathtub was indeed big enough to house a sea lion just like Andre. It was based on a true story, after all! (Parents are forever unreasonable, aren’t they?)

Fast forward yet again to present day where my father is thankful he is off the hook for denying my “can I please keep this duck I found” requests and that task instead falls on my sweet didn’t-realize-what-he-was-getting-into boyfriend, Ryan. “No, Holly, the fox you saw in our yard cannot come inside and be like a real life Fox and the Hound with our dog”. “Yes, you can get a cat. No it cannot be a Bobcat or a tiger or anything else that wants to kill us.” “No, I don’t believe that you can train it to not want to kill us.” (God, Ryan, LIVE A LITTLE.)

While I will never stop asking (and actively trying…) to befriend and adopt unusual animals, I have accepted that the reality I live in is not in fact a Disney movie and that I may never just stumble into a baby Wolf in the woods that is in desperate need of love. Instead, I spend a lot of my free time and sleepless nights thinking of these animals and scouring the depths of the internet for videos of these magical creatures.

Animals are the best things about this crazy world we live in and if you don’t agree with that statement then just go to hell right now. With that said, I bring you the first installment of Anything but Average Animals.

I’ve been on somewhat of a baby hippo kick lately, because let’s face it, who hasn’t?! After a long, taxing day at work the other day, I just needed some joy in my life. This led to my search for: “baby hippos doing amazing things”. My search did not disappoint.

I present to you ‘baby Fiona the hippo taking her first steps’. If you cry easily I suggest waiting until you are in a private place to watch this video and read her story.

H/T NPR

-Holly

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Good Luck Sleeping Ever: Thousands of Spiders Have Formed A Mega Web In Texas

MEGA WEB – If you’re an arachnophobe, a natural attraction at a Rowlett park may be the stuff nightmares are made of: A “communal” web.

How many?”I never knew spiders could do this,” a spider spectator named Pierson Clinger told us as he inspected the mega-web, spun by an army of spiders.

“Too many to my liking,” said Pierson’s sister, Mackenna.

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Oh God why. That is seriously one of the most haunting pictures I’ve ever seen. Also how about Mackenna with the understatement of the century at the end of this article. “Too many to my liking.” YOU DON’T SAY. Spiders just aren’t meant to be messed up, especially when they work together like finely tuned machines. An ‘army of spiders’ are literally the most frightening words you could ever string together in a sentence. I’d rather see the words an ‘army of gun wielding fanatics’ than an ‘army of spiders’. If this is the first step in the spider takeover, I’m moving to the ocean.

-Ryan

In Heartbreaking News, E.T. The Geriatric Walrus Has Died

WHYE.T., the 33-year-old walrus at Point Defiance Zoo & Aquarium, died Thursday after he contracted a serious infection.

Head veterinarian Dr. Karen Wolf conducted a two-hour operation with a team of surgeons to open and drain an abscess in the Pacific walrus’ pharyngeal pouch. He did not recover.

“At age 33, he was a geriatric walrus with multiple medical issues,” said Dr. Wolf. “He had been ill for many weeks with a serious bacterial infection. He had not eaten for 17 days, and he suffered from painful arthritis that made it difficult for him to haul out of the water.”

This one hurts. E.T. the walrus (remarkable name) has passed on, and now my weekend is pretty much ruined. I don’t care if the weather is beautiful and the beer is flowing like wine, a geriatric walrus died god damnit! With that said, the walrus kind of seemed like he was suffering. Not eating for 17 days? Maybe after a few days you should get in there and help him out. 17 days is a long time. Plus the arthritis. Just a tough way to go out. But 33 years is a long time, and who knows how long that is in walrus years. While you’re having fun with your human arms and human legs this weekend, remember E.T. Hit the music.

– Ryan

Remind Me Never to Go Near the Water In Vancouver, British Columbia

JESUS The recent catch of an enormous bullfrog in a remote Vancouver Island pond has fueled concern that the voracious amphibians are spreading unchecked across the British Columbia island’s landscape.

Russ Schut, who was fishing in tiny Sproat Lake with a worm and bobber, hauled in the 2-foot-long American bullfrog and released it—after posing for a photograph—without knowing that it belonged to an invasive species that threatens native critters.

Because they’re not native to the Canadian southwest and have few natural predators, such as alligators, water snakes, and kingfishers in their native American southeast, some of the bullfrogs are growing to abnormally large sizes.

(American bullfrogs are the largest North American frogs and typically grow to about 7 inches, and weigh up to 1.5 pounds.)

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Holy moly that’s a gigantic frog. Frogs aren’t usually the first thing that come to my mind when I think of animals that scare the shit out of me, but this picture changes everything. I wasn’t aware frogs got this big and frankly I’m kind of upset I saw this picture. I never thought of frogs as cute animals, but they just kind of existed without much thought. Now I have no choice to classify them as my natural born enemy. In hindsight, I should have saw this coming. You never trust anything that survives solely on flies. That’s day one shit right there.

– Ryan

I’m Officially A Lake Person

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Again, I don’t know what this means but I am now officially a lake person. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Give Ryan and his friends a few 30 racks of Busch Light and a lake view house and they’re the happiest sons of bitches on planet Earth. If I can somehow watch a polo match at a lake house then I will have finally found my Utopia. A man can dream.

– Ryan

Life Lessons From Yoko Ono

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It’s Friday. Let’s get Yoked.

“@yokoono: This is an invisible tree safe from somebody trying to cut it down.”

– Starting it off white hot. If there’s a type of person I hate in this world, it’s the large population of people trying to cut down invisible trees. Where do you get off trying to destroy these invisible trees? Don’t you know invisible animals rely on the shelter these invisible trees provide? Yoko always looking out for those in need, especially if they’re invisible. (The scariest part of this tweet: 400 RTs. Dangerously insane people)

“@yokoono: All of us will very soon be able to grow back every part of our body.”

– I can’t blame Yoko on this one. I mix up lizards and humans all the time. And who’s to say that some lizard man living  in the Amazon isn’t already running around naked regenerating limbs like some kind of sorcerer. I wouldn’t be surprised if Clooney could already do it. Oh my sweet Clooney

“@yokoono: I had a dream in which beautiful, pure stars, millions of them, were sparkling and filling a large, large space.”

– You don’t have to dream anymore Yoko! There is a sky, and millions of stars too! I have dreams about taking Jennifer Lawrence to nice seafood dinners, meanwhile Yoko over here is dreaming about stars in the sky. You tell me who the crazy one is.

Stay frosty.

– Ryan

I Have A New Worst Nightmare, and it’s Name is The Peregrine Falcon

I hate birds. Let me rephrase that: I’m deathly afraid of birds. It’s a trait I inherited from my mother, who inherited it from her mother before her. To be honest I’m not quite sure why more people don’t fear them. Have you ever seen a hawk up close? No thanks. I’ll be a stay at home dad who makes sure the floor is washed and the clothes are folded. I was enjoying my day off like any other red blooded American does on a Tuesday (watching Maury) until I stumbled upon this gem of a video. I’ve literally never been more afraid of something in my life. Some fun facts about the peregrine falcon: it’s a raptor, or bird of prey, and it’s one of the most widely distributed species of bird in the world, found in every continent except Antarctica. Looks like I’m buying snow shoes and getting the fuck out of here.

– Ryan

P.S. This just proves those Red Bull athletes are the most insane people on Earth. “Hey Jimmy ride your bike down this mountain, oh and I’m gonna let a raptor chase after you and peck your dick off.”

Yoko Ono Continues to be Insane

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It’s Friday, and the Yokester continues to tweet her sweet little ass off. Lets explore the world of Twitter through the words of Yoko Ono.

@yokoono: All my life, I have been in love with the sky. Even when everything was falling apart around me, the sky was always there for me.

– nothing like a good sky tweet to start off your day. I really wanted to dissect this tweet and find some sort of hidden meaning, but I think some things just aren’t meant to be understood. Some people have family. Some people have friends. Yoko has the sky.

@yokoono: All of us will soon be able to stay alive for as long as we want to.

– oh Yoko. The ultimate optimist. She’s starting to sound like Ricky Bobby from Talladega Nights. Although I can’t say I’ll be surprised if she ends living to be 200 years old. Maybe having the sky as your only friend is some type of weird secret to longevity. All I know is she’s healthier at 80 than I am at 24.

P.S. @WeirdosTV: @yokoono I agree. I plan to live for 999 years. Like John, the number 9 has great significance for me.

– the insanity never stops when Yoko is involved. My question is how pissed would you be if you died at 999? If I’m sticking around that long I need to live to be 1,000. Need it more than anything I’ve accomplished in my 999 years on this and any other planet that I’m naturally king of. In my eyes I have to be king. I’m immortal. Unless I die at 999 and then I’m a failure. Holy shit did I digress. Anyway Yoko, WeirdosTV: keep bringing the crazy. And remember, the sky in need is a friend indeed. Have a great weekend.

-Ryan

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