Advertisements

Blog Archives

Kate Upton Tearing Down The House as Usual

Kate just broke my computer screen. Keep being you, Kate. We all love it.

L1XedJF

-Matt

PS- Hey Kate, next time your in Rhode Island less get dinner. Verlander doesn’t need to know about it. You know where to find me. My apartment smells of rich mahogany.

Advertisements

Derek Jeter Dumped The DirectTV Genie? Rookie Move, Jetes

image

Just in time for me to swoop in. Hey Hannah, do you like AHL hockey games? Because you happen to be looking at a, proud, 10-game season ticket holder for the Providence Bruins. Looks like someones ear is in danger of having hair brushed over it.

-Matt

Mike Glennon Just Jumped 1,000 Spots in My Human Power Rankings

image

Hey Mikey, who’s your friend? Introduce me? …..oh she’s your GIRLFRIEND….

Mike Glennon is CLEANING UP in Tampa these days. Starting quarterback on the best team in the NFL, blazing hot lady friend, and I bet he even owns an exotic animal, or two! Mike Glennon I really hope I see you in the drivers seat next season! I want to see what you got with a full offseason under your belt!

-Matt

PS- She does have an Instagram account, but it is private. Damn shame.

Sarah Connor – Badass Hottie

sarah connor

AWH YEAH. Love me some Sarah Connor. She has to be the most badass chick in film, right? Cigarette in the mouth, loading up a M-16,and ready to kill some terminators. Revving up my engine as I blog this.  Michelle Rodriguez might be a close second, but you can’t beat Sarah Connor. No way, no how.

Sarah-Connor

-MattyV

If You Have a Problem with Sriracha Then You Have a Problem With Me

(Source) “A judge is set to decide Thursday whether to grant Irwindale’s request to stop production of Sriracha sauce while the company tries to limit odors wafting into the neighborhood. 

The decision could have serious ramifications for next years’ supplies of Huy Fong Food’s three hot sauces: Chili Garlic, Sambal Oelek, and the wildly popular Sriracha “rooster” sauce.

The city of Irwindale sued Huy Fong Foods on Monday, claiming the spicy scent of ground peppers is a public nuisance in violation of the municipal code. The lawsuit came after some nearby residents complained of burning eyes and throats. 

The city asked for a temporary restraining order that would stop all operations at the factory immediately as a judge decides whether a preliminary injunction is necessary.

If the restraining order is granted, a judge will then decide whether to grant a preliminary injunction during a later hearing. 

The city also asked for a permanent injunction which, if granted, would stop all operations at the plant until Huy Fong Foods can remedy the smell to both the court and city’s satisfaction.

Sriracha has emerged as the condiment of the moment. It was formulated in L.A.’s Chinatown by a Vietnamese Chinese immigrant decades ago and attracted a cult following.”

image

What’s that saying, “if you can’t stand the heat, then get out of the kitchen”? Well if you don’t like Sriracha you’re wrong and stupid and you should leave the country. The hot sauce is making your eyes water? You don’t say. It’s fucking hot sauce. You live with the side effects because it makes everything taste so much better. I love sriracha. I put on my eggs. I put it on my oysters. I put a dab in my hair when I’m having a rough day. Don’t you take this beautiful creation away from me because you have a sore throat. Gargle some salt water and stop being such a bitch. End scene.

– Ryan

The Summer, and Why I Hate It

Summertime is upon us. Hot weather, sand between your toes, sweat dripping down your brow, and sunburns; the whole bit. People love this time of year, but not this guy. Give me sweaters, snow, and frostbite any day. For me, this time of year is a constant struggle for comfort. The search for cool temperatures is my crusade, and air conditioners are my holy grail. “Why are you sitting inside”, people shout. Why? Because I’m not a lunatic who likes to sit in 95° weather with 99% humidity.

Is it winter yet? And how long till thanksgiving? I’m hungry.

-MattyV

Milk Was a Bad Choice

Image
That’s it, I’m throwing in the towel.  It’s way to hot for me to live any longer. If you don’t find me shriveled up under my desk I have moved to Northern Canada. Send along my cat and send a letter to my family. Tell Bill Paxton I love him, and for the love of god delete my browser history.

How many more days till winter, Seanlite?

-MattyV

Monsterblog Wednesday: Lord Stanley’s Smokes

Since the very first dawn shed it’s light upon the earliest of our ancestors there has been one question that has haunted mankind above any other. Before fire, before the wheel, even before language when grunts and fist-fighting were more than adequate for debating. One eternal discussion, one unsolvable mystery. Who’s the hottest of them all?

We here at Average Nobodies are not above such discussion. In fact we had this debate over the weekend. Except we wanted to add a little twist in the light of how fucking awesome the Bruins are playing at the moment. We decided to leave behind the top ten lists, forget about the top fives. Lets make a hockey line-up of who we think are the hottest celebs out there.

20130605-083820.jpg

The rules
1. One goalie two defenders and three forwards.
2. You have to explain why you picked them and why they’re at a certain position.
3. Fuck rules do whatever you want.
4. Bill Paxton and George Clooney are fair game.

Here goes nothing!

Team 1

F-Kate Beckinsale
F-Kate Upton
F-Kate Hudson
D-Alicia Keys
D-Norah Jones
G-Michelle Rodriguez

Let me first start with the heart and soul of my team: Kate Beckinsale
Kate Upton, and Kate Hudson; Kate Cubed, if you will. These lovely ladies are my ice melting goal scorers. With Upton in the middle and Beckinsale and Hudson on either side of you (Oh jesus..picture that for a minute) you cannot lose. Now lets move behind them to the defense. This hard hitting duo is sure to leave your ears ringing with sweet melodies. Norah Jones and Alicia Keys, concert pianists, song writers, and beautiful brawlers. If, for some insane reason, you are able to penetrate any of the pre-menitoned girls (See what i’m doing here?) then you have reached my goalie, the “tough girl” of the silver screen, Michelle Rodriguez. Michelle is used to dominating in a mans world and she will do no different here. Don’t mess with THIS goalie, she will for sure knock you out (I’m pretty positive that’s actually true)

P.S. Coach – Demi Moore-Willis-Kutcher (Scorpion Woman)

P.S.S. WOOOOOOOOOF

-MattyV

Team 2

F-Scarlett Johanson
F-Emma Watson
F-Salma Hayek
D-Eva Mendes
D- Olivia Munn
G-Jennifer Lawrence

Coach- Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge. A.k.a Kate Middleton.

This team needs little introduction, if any at all. You know em, you’ve seen em, you know what they’re capable of, and that’s greatness. The perfect mix of young upstarts and seasoned veterans. You have the ones who’ve been to the title game and brought home the trophy (Scarlett, Eva and Ms, Hayek) while at the same time benefiting from the hungry newcomers (Emma, Olivia, and J-Law).

Need I explain my choice at coach? The Duchess of Cambridge? Boss as hell, pregnant or not.

Three smokin’ forwards, two bombshell defenders and the maybe the most promising young talent of her draft class, J-Law, holding strong in net. Stanley Cup Lock of the Millenium.

-Sean Lite-

Team 3

F Rosie Jones
F Paulina Gretzky
F Maryse Ouellet
D Rachel McAdams
D Charlize Theron
G Olivia Wilde

Coach- Gwen Stefani

Offense: I got Rosie Jones, British supermodel, she’s got style, speed, and young, perfect left winger in my eyes. On the other side I have her compliment in the blonde bomber, ex WWE diva Maryse. She’s got champion written all over her and carries a few heavy shots. In the middle none other than the Great One’s daughter. The heir to the throne, Paulina Gretzky. The total package and unlike her father she ain’t afraid to throw down in a fight.

Defense: Ever seen Mean Girls? Rachel McAdams will straight up mind fuck you. When you’re charging down the ice and lock eyes with her you’re off your game and you don’t even know it.
Oh and there’s my enforcer, Charlize Theron. Not only can she get in your head, she’s got the size to back it up. She’s a big broad and I like it.

Goalie: Her name represents her style, Wilde. Olivia Wilde is my rock in the net. She’s been on a steady rise to the top and it’s only a matter of time before she stands alone at the top of the league.

Coach: I’ve always had a constant trust with Gwen Stefani. Smarts and looks, and she’s been so good for so long. She’s the perfect boss for my squad. She’s been to the top before, now it’s time to show the next generation the mountain.

I realize my team consists of hot chicks who are actual or pretend to be psychopaths, and that’s how I intended it.

+ Berno

Team 4

Forward – Stacey Keibler
Forward – Emmy Rossum
Forward – Nicky Whelan
Defense – Alice Greczyn
Defense – Miley Cyrus
Goalie/Coach – Jennifer Aniston

Stacey Keibler: 99% jealous she gets to skinny dip with Clooney, 1% ex WWE Diva. She stole my favorite man and my favorite passion and continually rubs it in my face. But she’s one of the hottest girls on the planet, and she’s got legs for days. Did I mention she dates Clooney?

Emmy Rossum: One of my three sleepers. If you don’t watch Shameless (you really should) then you might not know who Ms. Rossum is. She’s 5 feet and 8 inches of straight sex. Another absolute knockout who I know has a little freaky side. Also one hell of a talented actress. And she’s got great boobs. Between 5’8 Emmy and 5’11 Stacey I easily have the biggest forwards in the league. Game. Set. Match.

Nicky Whelan: My 2nd sleeper. She’s Australian. She’s gorgeous. She was in an episode of Workaholics and you get to see her boobs in Hall Pass. Talk about being four for four. If that’s enough, just remember that old French proverb: Australian girls make the best hockey players

Alice Greczyn: My 3rd sleeper. Just beyond words. Lights the screen on fire in Sex Drive, and I knew we had something special when I took the time to learn how to spell her last name right. A lot of people might ask why my forwards are monsters and I have little Alice on defense. Because this team has heart, and sweet angelic faces.

Miley Cyrus: The ultimate wildcard. 20 year old phenom. Already showing her freaky/dangerously insane side. Bleach blonde crew cut. Ass hanging out of every pair of shorts she’s ever worn. She’s gonna knock you down then spit in your mouth and possibly give you a venereal disease. If there’s one person I wouldn’t want to see coming at me on skates its Miley Fucking Cyrus.

Jennifer Aniston. The veteran. El Capitan. She’s been a boner machine since the mid 90s, and she hasn’t lost a step. Still smoking hot at the age of 44, still cool as hell. My most important piece to the puzzle. If I had to rank my 6 firecrackers JA would be numero uno. The young babes fight and claw for fame and glory, while she remains my rock in the net. She has made it to the mountaintop, and she likes the view. Just like in hockey, I’m riding the smoking hot goalie all the way to the championship. (I’m assuming this is a competition).

– Ryan

There ya have it! Let us know if you think we’re out of our minds, or if we’ve just constructed the first perfect squad of literal puck sluts!

20130605-083728.jpg