Blog Archives
Monster Blog Wednesday – Hypothetical Cooking Shows
We consider ourselves food connoisseurs so for this week’s Monster blog we will be doing a cooking show round up. Here are the names and types of shows that we would be broadcasting straight to your stomach via your TV. Watch out Food Network, the bad boys of food prep are in the house! That is, until everyone gets horrible food poisoning from our food and we are shut down.
Matt’s Mexican Munchies
Tacos, burritos, quesadillas, you name it, I make it. If you thought Mexican food was getting overplayed and boring then you haven’t seen my show. My show is here to make Mexican food fun again. Our motto? Every night is taco night. My live studio audience gets margaritas all during filming and so do I. Like really strong margs all around… I’ll be honest, I’m drunk for most of the show, which only makes my food better. So maybe the producers are going to have their work cut out for them editing out all the profanities that I use while cooking, but it will all be worth it. Critics will dub me “The Rob Ford of Food Network hosts”, and I will be honored.
-Matt
Ryan’s Hamburger Helper Hour
This isn’t your momma’s cooking show, partly because your mom never made Hamburger Helper and partly because I’M A MAN. A little known fact about myself is that I was a hamburger helper wizard back in college. Did it help that everyone I cooked for was heavily intoxicated? Probably, but that’s neither here nor there. My secret recipe includes everything you see on the back of the box, except for milk. Milk is horrible for you, and it has no place in my Hamburger Helper. I’ll also make classic sides like instant potatoes, Ryan’s special eggs, and every Hamburger Helper meal comes with a Parmesan goldfish appetizer. How is cooking Hamburger Helper going to take up an hour? You’ll have to tune in and find out.
– Ryan
Paula Deen Supporters Sending Angry Emails To The Wrong Channel Is Perfect
“Attention all those who love Paula Deen. We’ve been getting your emails. Your phone calls. We’re pretty sure the good old fashioned mail will soon follow. We get that you are mad about her contract not being renewed. The problem is, you are calling and writing the wrong people. Yes, we are The Food Channel. Have been since the 1980s, when we trademarked the name and used it for a newsletter, then a website. However, we are not The Food Network, the company that helped to make Paula Deen a household name. Nor are we The Cooking Channel. Both of those broadcast channels are owned by the Scripps Television Network. We are not owned by Scripps. We are independently owned. We do not have a full channel on TV, although we are experimenting with taking some of our shows to TV—but unless you live in select test markets, you aren’t seeing them just yet. We don’t carry programming created by Paula Deen, nor do we carry Rachael Ray, Bobby Flay, Robert Irvine, Tyler Florence, Ina Garten, Giada, or any of those celebrity chefs that everyone enjoys watching (including us!). So, the best we can do is point you to the Scripps Television Network snail mail address. And we can publish a few of your letters. You can find both at the bottom of this article. And, if Paula Deen is interested in helping to grow the real Food Channel into something that you all will watch, we are all ears. We want to take her apology seriously, and believe we can be part of helping her use this as a way to address such issues in the future, if she so desires. Tell her to contact us at editor@foodchannel.com.” – foodchannel.com
So this is who people are choosing to support. Gotta love racists. Just blindly spewing their beliefs if it means coming to the defense of a fellow racist. Not only are you publicly supporting a horrible human being, but you’re bashing a television network that doesn’t even carry Paula Deen’s programs. I just wish I could have been there when these people were typing up these emails. This is the moment you’re finally able to give corporate America a piece of your mind. Are you supporting an admitted racist? Sure, but its time THE MAN hears what you have to say. Oops, wrong network. Now you’re setting back our country 140 years both culturally and intellectually. If I had to pick one person to blindly support, it wouldn’t be a racist Southern belle who supports obesity in America. It would be Bill Paxton. Human stupidity is truly limitless.
– Ryan
P.S. I’m more upset that she’s a bad cook. That’s just how I roll.
