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Masturbating at the DMV Has to be an All Time Low For Humanity

(Source) “Just when you thought the DMV couldn’t get any worse.

Edward Michael Alvin, 34, was arrested last week after an off-duty cop caught the man allegedly masturbating at the Department of Highway Safety and Motor Vehicles office in West Palm Beach, Fla.

The Sun-Sentinel reported that Alvin began masturbating in the lobby of the DMV on Friday.

An off-duty officer told Alvin to stop, but the suspect ignored him and was placed under arrest. He was charged with indecent exposure, and released later that evening.

In July, Alvin was arrested after allegedly stealing his former boss’ car, then crashing it while intoxicated, according to court records.

Public masturbation might be how some people get off, but that doesn’t get them off the hook with police.

Kevin Bishop, a 44-year-old man with 64 arrests already on his record, was allegedly caught masturbating on a New York subway in 2009. He was charged with public lewdness, but pleaded not guilty. Bishop told police that his “private parts fell out.”

“I looked down and it was out,” Bishop said. “It just popped out! I was trying to put it back.”

In September, Nathan Harrington allegedly gave his mailman a different kind of package when he was caught masturbating outside his home in front of the witness. He was charged with indecent conduct.

The mailman said this was the second time he had caught Harrington masturbating.”

This is disturbing on a few fronts. Obviously seeing anyone masturbating in public is pretty scarring. Tough to have a positive outlook on life when some guy is jerking off in plain sight. But of all places to masturbate in, why pick the DMV? The DMV is hell on earth. Everyone is miserable, nobody wants to be there, and you’re always there way longer than you want/need to be. If this is Edwin’s fetish then this is the sickest fetish in the history of the world. You really couldn’t wait until you got home, or in your car, or basically anywhere else on Earth? Just had to jerk off in the lobby. My only question is why did the officer ask him to stop before arresting him? So if he stopped you let him go and jerk off wherever he pleases? Lock it up. And please lock this guy up. You just can’t trust a guy who masturbates at the DMV.

– Ryan

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ICYMI: Saturday Night Live Review – Edward Norton & Janelle Monae

Edward Norton and Bobby Monyihan prepare for "Saturday Night Live"

Edward Norton is your host this week, with the lovely Janelle Monae as the musical guest. Let’s take a look at some of the highlights..

Wes Anderson New Horror Movie Trailer

I’m not one to brag, but I did call a Wes Anderson sketch earlier this week. As someone who has had the pleasure of watching one of Mr. Anderson’s film, this sketch was a joy to watch. The SNL team obviously did their homework, as this trailer looks like it was constructed by Wes himself. The sketch was headline by Norton, who put in a spot on Owen Wilson impression. All the tiny quirks that make Anderson’s movies so enjoyable were on display in this mock trailer. Alec Baldwin narrating the sketch didn’t hurt, either.

Weekend Update featuring Anthony Crispino

Weekend Update is now officially Bobby Moynihan’s playground. Drunk Uncle is usually the one to steal show, but the secondhand news correspondent Anthony Crispino is pretty incredible as well. Moynihan, with a mustache, in a strong New York/Italian accent, falsely reporting the news. I could watch it all day. Seth Myers and Cecily Strong are getting better week by week.

Critter Control

Brooks Wheelan and Edward Norton play cousins who love them some critters. A funny scenario that was executed well, thanks in large to part to Wheelan who really carried this sketch. Norton’s impression were great all night, and this sketch is no exception.

School Visit

Nasim Pedrad lives! Another funny scenario, this time with a more ensemble cast effort. Norton was great as the cop, and he’s been the best host so far this season. Pedrad is easily the star of this sketch, though, as the bratty ring leader of the scatterbrained school kids. Here’s hoping they start featuring her more.

Steve Harvey Halloween Special

This is clearly not the best Steve Harvey sketch SNL has done, but anytime we get to see Kenan play Steve it’s a joy to watch. 5 seconds of Kenan’s bug eyes are worth it for me.

Trick or Treat: Halloween Candy

This sketch was kind of bizarre, but I dug it. Again, Norton played the part to a T, and Bobby Moynihan and Aidy Bryant played a good second fiddle. Norton is definitely someone I would never want to get candy from, especially after that razor blade joke.

Another week of SNL in the books, and Edward Norton was fantastic as the host. I’d have to say he was the best host so far this season, getting the edge over Tina Fey based on the number of sketches he was in and the range of characters he played. I could’ve used a little more Taran Killam and Kate McKinnon, but Nasim Padrad and Brooks Wheelan looked strong tonight, and the rest of the cast steered the course. Next week: Kerry Washington and musical guest Eminem. Happy watching.

– Ryan

Edward Smith Has a Fever, and the Only Prescription is Having Sex with Cars

(Source) “Edward Smith’s love life has been in overdrive for the last 48 years.

By his count, he’s had more than 1,000 sex partners — but only one of those was actually human.

Smith, 63, is a “mechaphile,” the term for someone sexually attracted to planes, trains and automobiles.

Oh, and helicopters too. He once had a quickie with a copter used in the TV series “Airwolf.”

“Some guys look at boobs and bums on beautiful women. I look at the front and rear on beautiful cars,” he said, according to the Mirror.

But Smith is no longer driven to have sex with just any car. He says his joyriding days are over and that he is committed to “Vanilla,” a Volkswagen Beetle he purchased 30 years ago.

“When I hold Vanilla in my arms there’s a powerful energy that comes from her in response to that,” he said in an interview with Barcroft TV. “If anything was to happen to her I would be more than heartbroken.”

Smith isn’t completely shifting into monogamy. He says he also has flings with a 1973 Opel GT named “Cinnamon,” and an 1993 Ford Ranger by the name of “Splash,” according to OddityCentral.

“Mechaphilia” is a unique fetish, but Smith claims he’s not alone in his intense love of machinery. He estimates there are at least 500 guys in the world also keyed into sex with cars, according to Time.com.

“When I turned 13 and the famous Corvette Stingray came about, that car was pure sex and just an incredible machine. I wanted it,” he told the Telegraph. “I didn’t fully understand it myself except that I know I’m not hurting anyone and I do not intend to.”

So Edward Smith not only exists, but he’s free to roam the Earth, having sex with every car he lays his eyes on. There’s disturbing news then there’s this. I really don’t understand why this guy isn’t in a mental institution, because if there’s one guy who’s potentially a danger to society it’s the guy who fucks cars. I guess this technically isn’t a crime but can’t we just build a bubble around this guy with a bunch of cars so he can just go to town? I’d say we could helicopter food in but apparently he has sex with those too. Maybe shoot food down a long tube so he doesn’t starve. Pretty much do anything but interview this guy who “hasn’t hurt anyone and doesn’t intend to”. If that doesn’t keep you up at night then I don’t know what will.

– Ryan

P.S. Are we supposed to be okay with this because he’s finally settled down and is only going to have sex with one car now? That actually makes me more nervous.

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