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-Matt

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Apparently Everyone in North Dakota is Insane

“A bacon-eating, beer-guzzling burglar is on the loose in North Dakota.

Last week, a 30-year-old Bismarck woman told police that someone broke into her home, then cooked some of her bacon in the microwave, The Bismarck Tribune reported. Three cans of Bud Light were also missing from the residence. The break-in took place sometime between 7 a.m. and 6 p.m. Monday, when the resident returned home and noticed the distinct scent of cooked bacon lingering in the air.

It is unclear whether the suspect, if caught, will face additional charges for the unforgivable crime of cooking bacon in a microwave.

The delectable salty breakfast food has lured others to criminal activity in the past.

Last year, a Missouri man was sentenced to seven years in prison after breaking into a stranger’s home and frying bacon in her kitchen, according to the St. Louis Post-Dispatch.

And in 2011, three teens broke into a store freezer in Indiana and made off with $90 worth of bacon.

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First we had the hero who’s writing fat kids letters for Halloween, and now we have the most laid back burglar of all time. Why even report this to the police? The guy was obviously craving bacon, and he must’ve ran out. The only crime I can think of would be to not enjoy a few bud lights while cooking said bacon. You’ve already went through the trouble or breaking and entering the house and cooking the bacon. Treat yo self with a few beers. I wonder if this was the first house he broke into, or did he need to break into numerous houses to find one with bacon? Either way, the clear motive was a bacon breakfast. The breaking and entering part was just collateral damage. Whether they find this mastermind or not, one thing has been made very clear: North Dakota news reporters are awful at getting people’s names for their stories.

– Ryan

I’ve Found My New Favorite Website

This is literally the hardest choice I have to make on a daily basis. I’d love to just kick back and have a few beers every night, but I also don’t want to weigh 400 pounds. As far as working out goes, I’ll start and end with this: I have a free on site gym at work that’s been open for two months and I’ve gone there three times. Back to the greatest web site ever created. Get drunk not fat ranks every beer and liquor you can think of based on the amount of included alcohol versus calorie content.

Brand
ABV Alcohol % by Volume Calories Per Serving C.F.A. Calories From Alcohol Higher is better Carbs Per Serving Comments
Pure Ethanol Not a real drink, for comparison only 100% 238 calories per 1.5 oz Score: A+ 100.00% 0.00 7.1 Calories per gram (http://annals.org/article.aspx?articleid=691502) Density = 0.789 g/cm3 Grams in one fluid oz = 28.3495 7.1 x 0.789 x 28.3495 = 158.81 cals per fl oz
Everclear 95% 226 calories per 1.5 oz Score: A+ 99.97% 0.00 Calorie info obtained directly from Luxco Spirits. 750ML for $12.99
Jose Cuervo Especial (Gold) 40% 96 calories per 1.5 oz Score: A+ 99.26% 0.00 Calorie info directly from a Jose Cuervo Consumer Representative $22.99 for 1.75L
Jose Cuervo Especial (Silver) 40% 96 calories per 1.5 oz Score: A+ 99.26% 0.00 Calorie info directly from a Jose Cuervo Consumer Representative $22.99 for 1.75L
Crown Royal – Special Reserve 40% 96 calories per 1.5 oz Score: A+ 99.26% 0.00 Obtained directly from http://www.knowyourdiageodrink.com $22.49 for 750ml
Gordons – Dry Gin 40% 96 calories per 1.5 oz Score: A+ 99.26% 0.00 Info directly from knowyourdiegodrink.com $14.99 per 1.75L at BevMo

Now my summer of Long Island Iced Tea’s seems like a bad idea. This is the ultimate borderline alcoholic lazy man’s dream website. Whoever made this, know you now have a new best friend.

To get the full tour, visit http://getdrunknotfat.com/

– Ryan

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