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Your Average 2017 Oscar Predictions
The 89th Academy Awards are a little over four weeks away, and the nominees are now set for the golden statue award ceremony. After winning six Golden Globes, La La Land is the favorite to win Best Picture, with Moonlight and Manchester by the Sea not far behind. It wouldn’t be an award ceremony without our share of snubs and surprises, but we’ll save that debate for another time (hint: never). Since we’re officially licensed movie connoisseurs, we thought we’d skip that debate and instead give our iron clad predictions on the Best Picture race, as well as who we think will walk away winners in some of the other major categories. Will Hacksaw Ridge pull off the monumental upset and win Best Picture? Will Casey Affleck cruise through awards season with a Golden Globe and an Oscar for Best Actor? Let’s get to our predictions and find out! (And follow along at home with our 2017 Oscar Ballot!)
[Spoilers Limited]
ARRIVAL
Synopsis: Linguistics professor Louise Banks (Amy Adams) leads an elite team of investigators when gigantic spaceships touch down in 12 locations around the world. As nations teeter on the verge of global war, Banks and her crew must race against time to find a way to communicate with the extraterrestrial visitors. Hoping to unravel the mystery, she takes a chance that could threaten her life and quite possibly all of mankind.
Arrival is the kind of movie where you leave the theater having seen a totally different movie than you expected. It’s so much more than a SciFi movie, and the message can still resonate even if you swap out the aliens. Also, it was delightful to see Jeremy Renner in something where he wasn’t toting a bow and arrow; he really shines in this flick, even though he wasn’t put up for consideration. I think Arrival not only walks away, handily, with the Best Adapted Screenplay Oscar, but also has a real good shot at Film Editing and Production Design. This is a GORGEOUS film. -Matt
FENCES
Synopsis: A working-class African-American father tries to raise his family in the 1950s, while coming to terms with the events of his life.
Viola Davis, all-around Hollywood superstar, and Rhode Island native, gets her third Oscar nomination (Most of any black woman in history) for her role in Fences. She plays opposite Denzel in a film that seems to hit deep at your inner-most emotions (The academy loves those types of movies this year apparently). If I know Denzel and Viola they are sure to put on a painfully honest performance that will stay with you beyond the theater. Along with Denzel and Viola both getting nods, Fences is also up for Best Picture and Best Adapted Screenplay. While I can’t speak for the actors performances specifically, I could see a tight race with Arrival for adapted screenplay (since this is derived from a critically acclaimed play by August Wilson). -Matt
HACKSAW RIDGE
Synopsis: WWII American Army Medic Desmond T. Doss, who served during the Battle of Okinawa, refuses to kill people, and becomes the first man in American history to receive the Medal of Honor without firing a shot.
Hacksaw Ridge is the tale of two movies. The first half of the movie follows Desmond T. Doss from childhood up to his enrollment in the Army, and lays out why he was a pacifist and a conscientious objector to the war. There’s a specific moment in his childhood that not only turns him into a pacifist, but alters the direction of his life. The first hour or so moves along slowly, but as soon as Desmond and his unit are deployed to Hacksaw Ridge, all hell breaks loose. This is where Garfield and director Mel Gibson really shine, and anyone who’s seen Braveheart knows that Gibson is at his best when depicting the brutality of war. The fact that this is based on a true story (there’s a quick interview with the real Desmond after the movie that is incredibly moving) only enhances the emotion of this film. Hacksaw Ridge is also nominated for five other awards, including best actor, director, film editing, sound editing and sound mixing. It’s a long shot to win any of the three major awards, but regardless of whether it wins or loses, it’s a must see film. –Ryan
Hey Science: You Suck [The Doctah Is In]
– Scientists have designed a machine that they say can help women achieve orgasm at the push of a button.
The device, which is a little smaller than a pack of cigarettes, uses electrodes attached to the patient’s spine to trigger an orgasm via remote control. Doctors think it could help women who are unable to achieve orgasm by other means.
it is TRULY OVER.
That’s a sad face above if you didn’t see. Yes, a sad face. Why?.
They took it away. The power. Science is trying to take the power away. What power am I speaking of? In the words of Huey Lewis, I’m talking about the power of love. Science is essentially trying to reprogram love.
Love is intimacy, and passion. If females can zap themselves to orgasm quicker than the speed of light, what truly is left to life? That removes the intimacy part. Leaving just passion? I don’t know if life could thrive without passion. Is this the females way of getting back at us? They basically said “oh yeah, well if you can do it in a minute, we can do it in a second, ASSHOLE.” Well I’ll just say it, because well, I’m that much of an asshole.
Our true reason to exist would not be to chase and procreate, but only to solely procreate. This could cause massive porn addictions, inadvertent auto asphyxiation suicides, or reluctant sexual experiences with the same sex to release yourself. These actions may cause loneliness, death, or regret.
Just an aside, if your going to have a massive porn addiction, please visit SmilefortheCum.com, for all your pornographic viewing needs.
Carry on with your day.
– The Doctah
So Armpits4August Is A Thing
(Source) And now, the female answer to Movember: British women are growing out their pit hair to support Armpits4August, a new initiative to raise money and awareness for those suffering from Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS), a condition so little known that spell-checker wants me to fix its name. According to the Mayo Clinic, symptoms of PCOS include weight gain as well as excess hair on the face and body (hence the gesture of growing out one’s body hair to support PCOS sufferers — although a monthlong weight-gain initiative could be interesting too). Armpits4August’s website says that up to 10 percent of women are affected by the disease — which is a lot, considering how little is known about it.
Armpits4August was founded in 2012, so it’s still quite small and still restricted mainly to the U.K. Although its participants only number in the hundreds so far, the Telegraph is already billing it as the ladies’ version of Movember, an initiative in which men grow mustaches during the month of November to raise awareness of men’s health issues. Global awareness of Movember has exploded since its 2003 inception, raising nearly $118 million last year with well over a million mustachioed participants.
There has to be a better way to raise awareness for this disease. HAS TO. I understand one of the symptoms is “excess hair on the face and body”, but is growing out your armpit hair really the look to combat that? That picture of the woman with the hairy pits is haunting. Can’t we just set up a telethon or a website to spread the word. Basically do anything but grow out your armpit hair. And let’s stop with the comparisons to guys with mustaches. Yes they were cool in the 70s but some guys can still pull them off. I can’t think of one woman who I’d want to see with a barrel of hair under her arm.
– Ryan
Beyonce Debuts Short Hair. In Other News, I Want To Bang Beyonce
Beyonce, this hair cut does it for me in all the right places. Short hair on a woman is a thin line (or hair) that needs to be straddled carefully, but Beyonce, you did it! Looking like an absolute smoke show.
Now lets take a look at other women that pull of the short hair look.
Lady Brienne
Natalie Portman
Saxby Chambliss, The Wordsmith
Saxby Chambliss has done it again. The senior U.S. Senator from Georgia who so eloquently bashed gay marriage back in March by stating “I’m not gay. So I’m not going to marry one” is back in the news, this time for comments he made during a Senate Armed Forces Committee. While addressing the committee, Chambliss stated “The young folks who are coming into each of your services are anywhere from 17 to 22 or 23. Gee whiz, the hormone level created by nature sets in place the possibility for these types of things to occur. So we’ve got to be very careful how we address it on our side”. In Mr. Chambliss’s defense, he did reprimand the militarys lack of action on this issue which has clearly spiraled out of control. When the man in charge of the Air Force’s sexual assaualt prevention program is ARRESTED FOR SEXUAL ASSAULT, I think its time for a change. I hate to talk politics, mainly because its a never ending argument that ends up with both sides sticking their feet in the mud, but the fact that a senior United States Senator is making these kind of statements is alarming. I support gay marrriage, but I absolutely understand that some people feel differently. However, “I’m not gay. So I’m not going to marry one” is not an acceptable argument to debuke gay marriage. While most of his 6 minute speech at the committee hearing was positive, even the inclusion of the word hormones in a sexual assualt hearing is ridiculous. If these comments were overheard at a bar or a baseball game, we could chalk it up to ignorance. Saxby Chambliss has served two terms as Senator of Georgia. His stance on issues affect this country, and thats scary to me.
America is great. It provides its people rare freedoms that arent afforded to the majority of this world. With that said, America is rotten, and it starts at the top, with both parties to blame. If the top of the tree is poisoned, it will eventually trickle down and poison the entire tree, and the entire tree in this analogy is our society. Saxby Chambliss is retiring after his current term. If only the resolution were that easy.
– Ryan
Monsterblog Wednesday: Lord Stanley’s Smokes
Since the very first dawn shed it’s light upon the earliest of our ancestors there has been one question that has haunted mankind above any other. Before fire, before the wheel, even before language when grunts and fist-fighting were more than adequate for debating. One eternal discussion, one unsolvable mystery. Who’s the hottest of them all?
We here at Average Nobodies are not above such discussion. In fact we had this debate over the weekend. Except we wanted to add a little twist in the light of how fucking awesome the Bruins are playing at the moment. We decided to leave behind the top ten lists, forget about the top fives. Lets make a hockey line-up of who we think are the hottest celebs out there.
The rules
1. One goalie two defenders and three forwards.
2. You have to explain why you picked them and why they’re at a certain position.
3. Fuck rules do whatever you want.
4. Bill Paxton and George Clooney are fair game.
Here goes nothing!
Team 1
F-Kate Beckinsale
F-Kate Upton
F-Kate Hudson
D-Alicia Keys
D-Norah Jones
G-Michelle Rodriguez
Let me first start with the heart and soul of my team: Kate Beckinsale
Kate Upton, and Kate Hudson; Kate Cubed, if you will. These lovely ladies are my ice melting goal scorers. With Upton in the middle and Beckinsale and Hudson on either side of you (Oh jesus..picture that for a minute) you cannot lose. Now lets move behind them to the defense. This hard hitting duo is sure to leave your ears ringing with sweet melodies. Norah Jones and Alicia Keys, concert pianists, song writers, and beautiful brawlers. If, for some insane reason, you are able to penetrate any of the pre-menitoned girls (See what i’m doing here?) then you have reached my goalie, the “tough girl” of the silver screen, Michelle Rodriguez. Michelle is used to dominating in a mans world and she will do no different here. Don’t mess with THIS goalie, she will for sure knock you out (I’m pretty positive that’s actually true)
P.S. Coach – Demi Moore-Willis-Kutcher (Scorpion Woman)
P.S.S. WOOOOOOOOOF
-MattyV
Team 2
F-Scarlett Johanson
F-Emma Watson
F-Salma Hayek
D-Eva Mendes
D- Olivia Munn
G-Jennifer Lawrence
Coach- Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge. A.k.a Kate Middleton.
This team needs little introduction, if any at all. You know em, you’ve seen em, you know what they’re capable of, and that’s greatness. The perfect mix of young upstarts and seasoned veterans. You have the ones who’ve been to the title game and brought home the trophy (Scarlett, Eva and Ms, Hayek) while at the same time benefiting from the hungry newcomers (Emma, Olivia, and J-Law).
Need I explain my choice at coach? The Duchess of Cambridge? Boss as hell, pregnant or not.
Three smokin’ forwards, two bombshell defenders and the maybe the most promising young talent of her draft class, J-Law, holding strong in net. Stanley Cup Lock of the Millenium.
-Sean Lite-
Team 3
F Rosie Jones
F Paulina Gretzky
F Maryse Ouellet
D Rachel McAdams
D Charlize Theron
G Olivia Wilde
Coach- Gwen Stefani
Offense: I got Rosie Jones, British supermodel, she’s got style, speed, and young, perfect left winger in my eyes. On the other side I have her compliment in the blonde bomber, ex WWE diva Maryse. She’s got champion written all over her and carries a few heavy shots. In the middle none other than the Great One’s daughter. The heir to the throne, Paulina Gretzky. The total package and unlike her father she ain’t afraid to throw down in a fight.
Defense: Ever seen Mean Girls? Rachel McAdams will straight up mind fuck you. When you’re charging down the ice and lock eyes with her you’re off your game and you don’t even know it.
Oh and there’s my enforcer, Charlize Theron. Not only can she get in your head, she’s got the size to back it up. She’s a big broad and I like it.
Goalie: Her name represents her style, Wilde. Olivia Wilde is my rock in the net. She’s been on a steady rise to the top and it’s only a matter of time before she stands alone at the top of the league.
Coach: I’ve always had a constant trust with Gwen Stefani. Smarts and looks, and she’s been so good for so long. She’s the perfect boss for my squad. She’s been to the top before, now it’s time to show the next generation the mountain.
I realize my team consists of hot chicks who are actual or pretend to be psychopaths, and that’s how I intended it.
+ Berno
Team 4
Forward – Stacey Keibler
Forward – Emmy Rossum
Forward – Nicky Whelan
Defense – Alice Greczyn
Defense – Miley Cyrus
Goalie/Coach – Jennifer Aniston
Stacey Keibler: 99% jealous she gets to skinny dip with Clooney, 1% ex WWE Diva. She stole my favorite man and my favorite passion and continually rubs it in my face. But she’s one of the hottest girls on the planet, and she’s got legs for days. Did I mention she dates Clooney?
Emmy Rossum: One of my three sleepers. If you don’t watch Shameless (you really should) then you might not know who Ms. Rossum is. She’s 5 feet and 8 inches of straight sex. Another absolute knockout who I know has a little freaky side. Also one hell of a talented actress. And she’s got great boobs. Between 5’8 Emmy and 5’11 Stacey I easily have the biggest forwards in the league. Game. Set. Match.
Nicky Whelan: My 2nd sleeper. She’s Australian. She’s gorgeous. She was in an episode of Workaholics and you get to see her boobs in Hall Pass. Talk about being four for four. If that’s enough, just remember that old French proverb: Australian girls make the best hockey players
Alice Greczyn: My 3rd sleeper. Just beyond words. Lights the screen on fire in Sex Drive, and I knew we had something special when I took the time to learn how to spell her last name right. A lot of people might ask why my forwards are monsters and I have little Alice on defense. Because this team has heart, and sweet angelic faces.
Miley Cyrus: The ultimate wildcard. 20 year old phenom. Already showing her freaky/dangerously insane side. Bleach blonde crew cut. Ass hanging out of every pair of shorts she’s ever worn. She’s gonna knock you down then spit in your mouth and possibly give you a venereal disease. If there’s one person I wouldn’t want to see coming at me on skates its Miley Fucking Cyrus.
Jennifer Aniston. The veteran. El Capitan. She’s been a boner machine since the mid 90s, and she hasn’t lost a step. Still smoking hot at the age of 44, still cool as hell. My most important piece to the puzzle. If I had to rank my 6 firecrackers JA would be numero uno. The young babes fight and claw for fame and glory, while she remains my rock in the net. She has made it to the mountaintop, and she likes the view. Just like in hockey, I’m riding the smoking hot goalie all the way to the championship. (I’m assuming this is a competition).
– Ryan
There ya have it! Let us know if you think we’re out of our minds, or if we’ve just constructed the first perfect squad of literal puck sluts!
