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Yay or Nay on ‘Teddy Goalsevelt’ Being the Face of US Soccer in Brazil?

First off the name is great. It’s not everyday you can incorporate a soccer term into the name of an American president from the early 20th century. Secondly, the outfit is great. Love the Jumanji aspect of it. Really anytime you have the chance to dress like a character from Jumanji you have to take it. That’s not a costume or soccer rule; that’s a life rule. Thirdly, this guy looks strikingly similar to Teddy Roosevelt. Have we ruled out that this guy is a Teddy Roosevelt impersonator who stumbled into the stadium and the internet just took over from there? Seems like an American internet-y thing to do: find a fan dressed like Teddy Roosevelt and turn him into an American soccer icon. My only reservation is that the US didn’t win last night. The whole point of being “the face” of something is that you’re a good luck charm. Good luck charms don’t let their team lose in the 94th minute of a World Cup game. If we beat/draw against Germany then I’m sold on Teddy Goalsevelt. If we lose I want his head on a Brazilian spike.

– Ryan

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Best of Luck in Your Future Endeavors: WWE Makes Some Big Time Roster Cuts

It’s a sad day for some WWE superstars, but roster cuts happen every year in the WWE and 2014 is no different. Some cuts were overdue, some were surprises; some were due to lack of a good “push” and some just didn’t work out. Hopefully losing these superstars gives new opportunities to the guys who are still there. No more 3MB, no more six man tags playa, and no more shooting star presses. The full list of WWE superstars released is below. May they rest in peace.

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– Ryan

Amazon Customer Reviews – HARIBO Teddy Bears

“Just don’t. Unless it’s a gift for someone you hate.”

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If these reviews are any indication, do not, I repeat DO NOT ever buy HARIBO teddy bears. Now, let’s get to the reviews.

Out of body experience….

I am writing this review of Haribo Gummy Bears as a form of closure, from the psychological and physical extremes these candies have caused me….
It all began innocently enough on a fateful day in June when I discovered this wonderful deal on amazon. I happily clicked away upon my mouse and keyboard as I surfed my way towards 5 pounds of sugar free goodness. The next few days were filled with as much anticipation as it was filled with an unfiltered sense of happiness. You can imagine the day I saw the package on my porch, a series of high pitched wood hatch like happy noises escaped my mouth as my heart raced with pure joy….I tore into the package with a ravenousness rarely seen outside of the wilds of the African Sarenghetti…. Like a kid on Christmas morning! I spent the entire day bathing my taste buds in gooey goodness that is the haribo gummy bear…. Then as I slept soundly that night, not a creature was stirring not even a mouse… When out of the depths of the 7th ring of hell rose such a guttural roar of evil, causing me to shoot straight up out of bed… I was disoriented … Hallucinating…. I was led from my bed chambers by a midget sized giraffe named Raymond….. Though Raymond was pleasant enough I was terrified from the demonic bellows escaping from somewhere near by…. Raymond and I entered to land of a thousand toilets…. He skipped away whistling a tune of repression and sadness…. As my body seemed to float towards a giant golden toilet….. I was watching myself through the toilet water in my bathroom of my home, as I starred on with a mixture of confusion, pain and terror… My body gave birth to a mass of evil resembling something from the depths of the Everglades swamps in Florida… My body wretched about like a stripper on bath salts…. I let out screams that would make a mountain lion cringe… The smell was that of a thousand rotting plates of Indian food…. Tears flew from my eyes… Sweat soaked my exhausted body…. I awoke the next morning lying next to my toilet surrounded by homeland security… As I write this review I ponder why I clicked away on amazon that day… Now spending the rest of my life in maximum security for release of a WMD on American soil…..

Rumors confirmed

I ate 10…..10 thats it. Hell was still unleashed upon me.
A little backstory. I purchased some from a grocery store as a joke on my friends that unfortunately never came to fruition. Ive had them a little over a month now and they’ve just kinda been sitting in my room. Well today I was desperate for some candy and I had absolutely none. Then I remembered the bears. I then also remembered all the reviews that had prompted me to buy them as a joke. So I left them alone. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore and I figured if I just ate a few i’d be fine. Everything in moderation right? Wrong. I literally ate 10. Two hours went by and I was feeling pretty good about myself, I had absolutely no symptoms. Then a massive rumble came from deep within me. I thought nothing of it, figuring that would be it. Again I was wrong. 5 minutes later i hauled my ass into that bathroom and unloaded. Im pretty sure I saw some birthday cake from my last birthday in there somewhere. It burned like all hell and it came out like it had a score to settle with the little pond below me. I was just thinking to myself, “Why did I ingest these satan bears”
They’re so misleading too, they taste delicious so they deceive you even if you know their story. My advice. Just walk away. You don’t want this. I probably won’t need to poop for the rest of May.

Hello from the grave

Well I read all the reveiws and bought a bag because thats who I am… Or should I say was. I decided to eat all of them and I am dead now. That is all.

Hells Candy Inducers

~~Eat a bowl of Haribo, scorch your guts, s*** out your soul~~ should be the new theme for the commercials relating to sugar free version

They are real….all of the reviews are real

Heed my title… im telling you these gummy bears unleashed the 7 seals of hell inside my intestines….. i stayed on the toilet so long there was literally nothing left except gaseous anal air forcefully rattling my sphincter

I thought all of these reviews were B.S…. a marketing ploy to get people to try them which would have worked cause Im stupid

I ate about three handfuls during a meeting… within about an hour my stomach was gurgling… in two hours i was burping gummy bears and heading to the bathroom… 2 hours and 1 min…. my anal orifice was exploding

I couldnt concentrate on anything except perhaps the gummy bear families i had consumed had somehow bound their gummy bodies together and begun constricting around my stomach… its 8am and my stomach still isnt right….

I feel like a war torn soldier with the 1000 yard stare…. my belly was raped by tiny colored delicious bears

Lesson here: find a different brand of gummy bears unless you want to shit out your soul. If you have any funny Amazon review suggestions comment below or tweet us @averagenobodies.

– Ryan

Kyle Love Has Everything but Love for the Pats. (See what I did there)

DT Kyle Love was recently cut from the New England Patriots presumably due to a test that confirmed he was diabetic. Almost directly afterwards, the Jacksonville Jaguars picked him up. And now he’s pissed. I guess I can understand that. That’s kind of like getting fired from Google to go work for McDonald’s and there is nothing you can do about it.

But he took it further. He’s quoted as saying “That’s how they [The Patriots] run their business up there; veteran guys who have been there for years and put in a lot of work get treated like rookies.”

He’s bitching that the Pats let him go for a non football related designation.

Also today in New England football news an all-time Patriots favorite was elected into the Pats hall of fame today. You may have heard of him, Teddy Bruschi.

Now I know what you’re thinking, “but, Sean Lite, why did you all the sudden switch to the Bruschi story.” Well, my friends, because Theodore also suffered from a non-football related designation*. A STROKE.

So Kyle Love, perhaps it wasn’t you’re newly discovered condition and simply because the team decided it was time for you to go. If the Patriots thought Teddy was okay after a god damn stroke I’m sure they would’ve given you a chance if you were worth it. Enjoy Jacksonville Mr. Love.

*A stroke could probably be considered a football related injury but fuck that because that kills my argument and Teddy B. is awesome.

-Sean Lite-

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