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Update To The Update: Charles Manson & Star’s Wedding Is Still On!

Love is in the AirAfton Elaine Burton is engaged to America’s most infamous mass murderer and now, the woman who calls herself “Star,” is giving her first interview about her strange relationship with the man most consider a monster. She said, “Yes, I am going to marry Charlie Manson! I think he’s the most handsome man in the world.” Star became obsessed with Charles Manson when she was a teenager in Illinois working at McDonald’s, and for the past nine years she’s lived just outside the Central California prison so she can see him twice a week, but no conjugal visits are permitted. She is 27 and Manson is 80, not to mention the fact that he’s got virtually no chance of ever walking free. “I’m going to stick with him whether or not he’s in prison,” she declared. She recalled the first time they met, saying, “I just thought he was the cutest thing. He probably asked me ten times if I wanted to get married.”

In a recent phone call between Burton and Manson, he asked, “So, are we sure together?”

She replied, “Yeah.”

Manson asked, “Are we solid together?”

“Yes,” she replied.

He then asked, “Are you my wife?”

“Yes,” she answered.

Manson then asked, “Until death do us part?”

I can't wait to see how this turns out

Well it turns out love isn’t dead after all, although I’m a little suspicious of this interview. Manson was the one who originally called off the wedding because he found his bride to be only wanted to marry him so she could gain possession of his corpse after he died and make money off it by displaying it in public. Now Star is saying the wedding is still on, but I want to hear that from Manson before I get too invested again. Because this is the bizarre world we live in, Inside Edition decided they should interview Star about her relationship with Manson. Is there really nothing else going on in the world that they can report on? Do we really need to feed into this story anymore than we already have? Apparently we do, because according to Star, the marriage is still on, and we also get a fascinating look into their phone conversations. OF COURSE Charles Manson would ask his fiancé if she’ll be his wife until death do them part. Of course he would. For now, it looks like the wedding is back on, and I hope it stays that way. My heart can only be toyed with so much.

– Ryan

 

 

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In A Bizarre Update, The Charles Manson/’Star’ Wedding Is Off Because He Found Out She Only Wanted Possession Of His Corpse

OH GOODSerial killer Charles Manson’s supposed budding romance with a woman 53 years his junior has been allegedly exposed as a money-making scheme.

According to journalist Daniel Simone, 27-year old Afton Elaine Burton, now known as Star, was hoping that she would gain possession of Manson’s corpse through marriage so she and a couple of friends could put it on display in a glass case in LA.

They apparently thought the Lenin’s Tomb-esque attraction would draw a huge number of visitors and make them a lot of money. 

But Manson, 80, apparently got wind of the plan and now no longer wants to marry Burton. “He’s finally realized that he’s been played for a fool,” Simone told The NY Post. The tourist attraction was also something of a non-starter because Manson believes he is immortal.

“He feels he will never die,” Simone added. “Therefore, he feels it’s a stupid idea to begin with.” Manson and Burton’s marriage license expired on Thursday, though Burton apparently remains hopeful that it will be renewed.

What?

Well I guess love is dead. If Charles Manson and his 53 years younger lover can’t make it then nobody can. That’s the gist of it. Of course, there’s also a lot more to love about this story. Firstly, is it THAT surprising that a a 27 year old woman who wanted to marry Charles god damn Manson turned out be some kind of corpse preserving weirdo? I never thought it would end in a corpse tourist attraction but I can’t honestly say I’m surprised. Also, how about Charles Manson only calling off the wedding because he feels like the corpse tourist attraction is a stupid idea because he thinks he’s never going to die. OF COURSE Charles Manson think he’s immortal. That’s actually the one thing that makes sense about this entire thing. And you know what? He might be immortal. That might be the universe’s final FU to us. Make Charles Manson immortal so we can never pay $50 to see his corpse on display.

– Ryan

Monster Blog Wednesday – Home Run Derby Pitchers

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It’s MLB All Star week, so we decided to cater our monster blog to one of the more exciting competitions: Home Run Derby. A sometimes forgotten but key element in the Home Run Derby is the man assigned to pitch to each participant. Sometimes they’re the player’s dad, sometimes they’re the player’s coach; what the Average Nobodies might lack in baseball skill and overall strength we make up for in creativity. That’s why we pulled out the big guns for our Home Run Derby pitchers:

 

Mo Vaughn

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This one was kind of a no brainer for me. I see the ball better off of righties, and Mo Vaughn was the greatest hitter with a dirty man’s beard of all time. Chances are Mo won’t throw too many strikes, but I’m a bad ball hitter so it ain’t no thing. My overall fear of not knowing where Mo is going to throw the ball will help me hit the most home runs possible. Not because it will motivate me, but because I’ll be defending my body and face against insane wildness. Also, “The Hit Dog” is one of my favorite baseball nicknames of all time, and any time you can bring an old school Sox player with you to the All Star game you have to do it. If I had 10 choices for who my pitcher would be, I’d pick Mo Vaughn ten times.

-Ryan

Randy “The Big Unit” Johnson

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The guy feeding me the ball would have to be my favorite pitcher of all-time, Randy Johnson. Being a big guy with a strong left arm, Randy and I can relate. Even though he’s “big” in the fact that he’s tall and I’m “big” because I eat way too much Taco Bell; and the fact that he has a strong left arm because he’s was a MLB pitcher and I have a strong left arm because…well…other things. Even with those differences i’ve always had a connection with Randy. Even my nickname on my high school swim team was “The Big Unit”! Don’t ask me how I got it, because I actually still don’t get it.  Tell me for one second that staring down the barrel of that mustache and mullet wouldn’t give me the strength to blast 100 balls into the cheap seats.

-Matt

Busta Rhymes is Apparently on the Ryan Diet

That video is kind of long because Pharrell decided to play every song he’s ever written last night, so for a good shot of the new and improved Busta Rhymes let’s go to our friends on Twitter:

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Busta Rhymes has apparently adopted the Ryan diet. Eat calzones and meatballs for every meal and drink a 30 pack on the weekend. If it’s not a good look for me it’s definitely not a good look for Busta. The only other logical thing I can think of is Busta Rhymes exists in the Men in Black universe and this “new” Busta ate his former self and is now bent on world domination. That scenario actually sounds a lot better than my current diet.

– Ryan

P.S. Who’s that in the picture with Busta?? Drake, the man with the most friends in the entire fucking world

Meet ‘Star’, the 25 Year Old Woman Who Wants to Get Married to Charles Manson. Yes, THAT Charles Manson

(Source) Convicted murderer Charles Manson is marrying  a 25-year-old supporter, she has claimed.

Star, a name given to her by the 79-year-old  cult leader, moved next to California’s Corcoran State Prison when she was just  19 to be closer to him and has recently carved an X into her forehead to match  his swastika.

‘Yeah, well, people can think I’m crazy,’ she  told Rolling Stone magazine in a lengthy article  about her beau. ‘But they don’t know. This is what’s right for me. This is what  I was born for.’

Star, who runs multiple websites calling for  Manson’s release, said she knows she will be his wife.

‘I’ll tell you straight up, Charlie  and I  are going to get married,’ she said. ‘When that will be, we don’t  know. But I  take it very seriously. Charlie is my husband. Charlie told  me to tell you  this. We haven’t told anybody about that.’

But Manson sounded a little more apprehensive  when the interviewer asked him about his impending nuptials to Star.

‘Oh that,’ he said. ‘That’s a bunch of garbage.  You know that, man. That’s  trash. We’re just playing that for public  consumption.’

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This is frightening. Can’t Charles Manson just die already? Because now there’s a new generation who apparently think his writings are worth following. Is it too late to create a law where we just throw people in jail for no reason? Star would be the first person on that list. A 25 year old inspired by Charles Manson who carved an X into her head isn’t someone I feel comfortable with. If there are levels of crazy then Star is on top of the god damn mountain. Lock her in there with him and throw away the key. Problem solved.

– Ryan

Productivity Ruiner: R2-D2 Translator

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Visit www.r2d2translator.com and have your words or phrases translated by R2-D2!

 

-MattyV

 

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Meet Jonathan “Vader” Rice – He’s Insane…Completely Insane.

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Jonathan Banks must have grown up under power lines, either that or on the Death Star.  I’m hoping the latter.  Banks decided that he was going to run across Death Valley in a Darth Vader costume (ok, the Darth attire is a power move).  But don’t worry, it was only 129 degrees when he did it…..wait? what? Jonathan classifies himself as a “heat runner”. Now i’m no runner, nothing close, but i’m pretty sure this is a classification he made up himself.  That would be like me taking a bath with a toaster and calling myself an electrical swimmer. He has a death [Valley] wish and as shocking as the whole thing is he accomplished the feat in just shy of 7 minutes. I don’t know what the length of the run was, but at 129 degrees, I know i’m not lasting 45 seconds.  Even though I think he is insane for doing this, I have to applaud a man for doing what makes him happy.  May the force be with you, Jonathan Banks.

-MattyV

PS – This is his FOURTH time doing it. I bet if he goes for the unprecedented 5th time Denny’s will give him a free grandslam.

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