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The Re-Rise of Justin Bieber
Justin Bieber is going to space.
God. Damnit. I was so full of hate. I felt alive for the first time in years. I despised Justin Bieber with the fire of a thousand subs. I even wrote a post about his demise a few weeks ago. The icing on the cake was his outfit at the Heat game on Monday. I was too full of joy to even write about it. I would have bet anything that he would fade into bolivian and we’d never have to hear that beautiful voice again. Wrong (Charlie Murphy voice). According to my super secret source (the internet) the Biebs is going to space. Not only is he going to space, but he’s going with one of the coolest people on the planet: Sir Richard Branson. While attempting to read the article, I learned that it will cost Bieber $250,000, a stiff price for 99% of the people who live on this planet. Then I continued to the read the article and learned that Justin Bieber made $55 million last year. If that doesn’t make you want to kill yourself then I don’t know what does. Moral of the story: Justin Bieber isn’t falling, he’s soaring. Stuffing any supermodel he wants, wiping his ass with $100 bills and flying to fucking outer space. Oh, and he’s 19. I will now go play in traffic.
– Ryan
P.S. If anything I’m scared for Justin Bieber. Once Matt finds out Bieb’s is going to space there won’t be a force in this world that will stop Matt from finding him and killing him.
Matt Vieira, Supreme Ruler of The Planet Mars
Mars One is a non profit organization whose mission is to expand human life to other planets. Their CEO and President’s name is Bas Lansdorp and he is insane as the day is long, but I would follow him to the ends of the universe…literally.
The Mars One initiative aims to send humans to Mars…forever. A one-way ticket that will cement you in the history books and forever change your life. The mission will send two males and two females to mars in 2023. The project is an estimated 6 billion dollar undertaking, 3.5 more billions than Curiosity. If you ask me, thats a bargain. Spend the little extra and send some people, that won’t get stuck on rocks or run out of battery, up there. “But Matt!”, you scream from outside my window. “How will they ever pay for this!?” Application fees of course! You silly geese. Applications cost $38 dollars a piece, so that means they only need 157,894,737 people to file applications. Uh…What?? However, Bas Lansdorp does not seem concerned. In a recent interview with Bas (Can I call you Bas?) he said “We have gotten 10,000+ emails already.” Way to see the glass half full, Bas.
Speaking of Mr. optimistic, Bas also said in the same interview “There will be emergencies and deaths. We need to make sure that crew members can continue without those people….it is up to the people on Mars to decide what to do with their dead.” Nothing like putting a little faith and confidence in your crew. I can see the pep talk now……(dream sequence)….”So what we got here is a rocket, not sure if its going to launch or blow up on the pad. Oh, and also, people will die up there so you figure out what to do with the bodies. As far as medicine goes, we have none, we didn’t quite reach our fundraising goal. In a couple years, if this hasn’t folded, we might send more people, but don’t count on it. Oh yea and go fuck yourself.” Just a complete “shits gonna happen” type locker room speech. But like I said, this wouldn’t stop me. The only thing that would make me want to go more is if Bruce Willis was the captain of shuttle.
Personally, I am ready to send in my application and video. And If I do get selected, here is my plan. I get up there on the red rock and. I. Go. Rogue. Just causing a ruckus and claiming Mars for myself. Have you ever been King of an entire planet? No you haven’t, but I will. SUCKERS.
-MattyV
Here is the welcome video on their site. If this doesn’t get you hard for exploring the universe then I feel bad for you.
P.S. When asked if Bas would like to join this mission to Mars he responded, “I have a really nice girlfriend, and she doesn’t want to come with me, so I’m staying right here.” Strong move, Bas, chivalry isn’t dead after all.
As Far as the Future is Concerned, Color Me Ecstatic!
NASA is now leasing out its shuttle launch pad to commercial operators. I absolutely cannot wait until I make my millions, rent this bad boy for a night and have an absolute rager. Just dancing the night away on a piece of American history that has supported 90 space missions since 1967. And when NASA is wondering what exactly I’ll be launching off of this pad, my answer will be my brand new 2015 flying car that is currently promised to be on the market in less than two years. The future is here people and damn is it exciting.
These cars/jets are said to be able to take off vertically, you know what that means? Fuck traffic and, more importantly, road blocks. “Oh traffic ahead? No worries”. I’ll just push this button and boom I’m 200 feet up flipping off the conventional motorists with their puny land-dwelling Ferraris and Porches heading to my birthday party/rager at Cape Canaveral!
Leave your keys at the door people, because if driving drunk is a bad idea, I have to imagine flying drunk is about a million times worse.
-Sean Lite-
P.S. With one of these bad boys in my garage, I’ll be afraid of lobsters when they sprout wings.
