Blog Archives

Music Monday: Sam Smith – How Will I Know (Whitney Houston Cover)

Sam Smith hopped onto my radar earlier this year when he was the musical guest for Louis C.K.’s second stint as host of SNL, especially with his live version of ‘Stay With Me’. Now he’s crossing over into the cover song game, and if this version of ‘How Will I Know’ is any indication, he’ll be fantastic.

– Ryan

I’m Not Entirely Sure Steve Smith Knows How Twitter Works

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Steve Smith you rascal. Everyone knows Steve Smith is good at two things: talking trash and impregnating women. Notice how I didn’t put “using Twitter” on that short list? That’s because Steve Smith apparently has no idea how it works. Either that or he’s oddly obsessed with himself, which now that I think about is a plausible explanation. Only true ballers @ themselves and hash tag their own name all while humble bragging our faces off. Steve Smith is having sex, guys, and he wants the world to know.

JR Smith is a Horrible Human Being

A lot of people are laughing this off as a prank. Ask anyone whose ever played basketball at any level if they thought this was funny. 1 million out of 1 million people will tell you it’s not. Ever rolled, sprained or broke your ankle? Not much humor about that. Running up and down the court in the NBA with your shoelaces untied is probably the easiest way to sprain your ankle. I don’t think you should fine or suspend Smith, though. He should be banned from the league FOR LIFE. Only reasonable thing I can think of. He should thank his lucky stars that he didn’t do that to Dirk. I’d be on the first flight to New York to kick his tattooed ass.

– Ryan

P.S. In retrospect, I shouldn’t be surprised someone with such a wholesome look did this..

Dennis Smith Has Camera’s in His Restaurant Bathrooms and You’re Gonna Have to Deal With It

Source – Despite customer complaints and an ongoing criminal investigation, the owner of a Mechanicsville restaurant with a surveillance camera in the men’s bathroom claims he’s within his rights.

Dennis Smith, the owner of Calabash Seafood Restaurant and Club Midway, said he installed the camera after years of vandalism to the bathroom, including $1,000 in recent damage. The camera — hanging from the ceiling just above a toilet stall — is situated to capture patrons as they enter without revealing those using bathroom facilities, he said.

Smith said most of his customers seemed OK with it during the two weeks that it was active earlier this year, though some have accused him of bad intentions or illegal behavior. His stock response, he said, is “if you don’t like it, you don’t have to eat here.”

The Hanover County Sheriff’s Office used a search warrant to confiscate the surveillance equipment in September, and the camera was disabled. After reviewing footage, the sheriff’s office and Hanover Commonwealth Attorney’s Office are considering whether to charge Smith with a misdemeanor for unlawful filming.

“We can’t ignore this type of stuff,” said Lt. Chris R. Whitley of the Hanover Sheriff’s Office.

For his part, Smith seemed unconcerned about the investigation.

“Well, whoopee,” he said. “It’s a misdemeanor. Are you kidding me? That would be a joke.”

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Dennis Smith will not quit, even if it means violating his customers civil rights. The many have to suffer due to the actions of the few. Because Dennis Smith will be damned if he lets one more person vandalize his bathroom. The camera’s not showing anyone taking a shit is such an insignificant detail. You still have camera’s in the bathroom Denny. I appreciate you taking toilet vandalism seriously but there’s got to be another way. Maybe hire a bathroom attendant. You’re preserving the quality of your bathroom and classing the place up at the same time. Basically any other plan but bathroom cameras. That’s a battle you lose every time.

– Ryan

Edward Smith Has a Fever, and the Only Prescription is Having Sex with Cars

(Source) “Edward Smith’s love life has been in overdrive for the last 48 years.

By his count, he’s had more than 1,000 sex partners — but only one of those was actually human.

Smith, 63, is a “mechaphile,” the term for someone sexually attracted to planes, trains and automobiles.

Oh, and helicopters too. He once had a quickie with a copter used in the TV series “Airwolf.”

“Some guys look at boobs and bums on beautiful women. I look at the front and rear on beautiful cars,” he said, according to the Mirror.

But Smith is no longer driven to have sex with just any car. He says his joyriding days are over and that he is committed to “Vanilla,” a Volkswagen Beetle he purchased 30 years ago.

“When I hold Vanilla in my arms there’s a powerful energy that comes from her in response to that,” he said in an interview with Barcroft TV. “If anything was to happen to her I would be more than heartbroken.”

Smith isn’t completely shifting into monogamy. He says he also has flings with a 1973 Opel GT named “Cinnamon,” and an 1993 Ford Ranger by the name of “Splash,” according to OddityCentral.

“Mechaphilia” is a unique fetish, but Smith claims he’s not alone in his intense love of machinery. He estimates there are at least 500 guys in the world also keyed into sex with cars, according to Time.com.

“When I turned 13 and the famous Corvette Stingray came about, that car was pure sex and just an incredible machine. I wanted it,” he told the Telegraph. “I didn’t fully understand it myself except that I know I’m not hurting anyone and I do not intend to.”

So Edward Smith not only exists, but he’s free to roam the Earth, having sex with every car he lays his eyes on. There’s disturbing news then there’s this. I really don’t understand why this guy isn’t in a mental institution, because if there’s one guy who’s potentially a danger to society it’s the guy who fucks cars. I guess this technically isn’t a crime but can’t we just build a bubble around this guy with a bunch of cars so he can just go to town? I’d say we could helicopter food in but apparently he has sex with those too. Maybe shoot food down a long tube so he doesn’t starve. Pretty much do anything but interview this guy who “hasn’t hurt anyone and doesn’t intend to”. If that doesn’t keep you up at night then I don’t know what will.

– Ryan

P.S. Are we supposed to be okay with this because he’s finally settled down and is only going to have sex with one car now? That actually makes me more nervous.

So Jaden Smith is Doing Well

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Jaden Smith has derailed. I know it must be tough when your father is Will Smith and you have all this pressure to succeed but Yoko Ono is starting to make more sense than Jaden Smith. Apples, the number 3, trees and eye mirrors. Those sound like entries from Creed Bratton’s manifesto, not the tweets of a sane 15 year old. Pretty soon he’ll be smashing toy trucks during a sales meeting for Callahan brakes.

– Ryan

Will Smith is a BUM

According to an interview with New York Daily News, director Roland Emmerich explained that Will Smith would not be returning for the Independence Day sequel (due out in 2015) because he simply costs too much. “Will Smith can not come back because he’s too expensive, but he’d also be too much of a marquee name,” the filmmaker said. -Film School Rejects

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Hey Will Smith, Fuck you and the overpriced horse you rode in on.  Independence Day, the movie that is about as “Red, White and Blue” as you can get, is getting a sequel.  Thank the good lord! I thought for a minute that there would never be another movie where America saves the world from an alien invasion…….. All kidding aside, I loved Independence Day.  Nothing gives me a stars and stripes boner more than listening to Bill Pullman give his “Independence” speech out of the back of a pickup truck.  That’s all-star American hero stuff.  The hiccup in the production of the new one is that Will Smith is “too expensive” to get for the sequel.  Really Will? You’re gonna do us like that?  I think after having to suffer through your last few movies you would throw us a freakin’ bone here.  Reunite with Goldblum and save America again. Actually, on second though, I’m glad that he won’t be back, this gives Paxton a chance at saving the sequel from a possible flop at the box office. Listen up, Emmerich, this is how we transition.  Movie opens, Goldblum and Paxton find Will using and beating his wife…again.  Goldblum pulls out a .45 and blows his head off.  Kill off Will, problem solved.

God Dammit, i’m good.

-MattyV

P.S. I imagine this is the producers reaction when he got Will Smith’s price for the second movie.
2oOiGpe

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