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If You’ve Ever Wanted To See Lenny Kravitz’s Balls Fall Out Of His Pants Today Is Your Lucky Day

Glad Lenny Kravitz has joined team no underwear. As a proud member, I gotta say I’m surprised he went with the no underwear/jeans combo. That’s a recipe for disaster, and not even for something like this. I mean someone who wears jeans as tight as Lenny is going to have them rip once in awhile, and when you skip underwear that day your balls are free as a bird. Personally I only go no underwear when I’m wearing sweatpants or shorts without zippers, but Lenny Kravitz is a risk taker. A risk taker with a set of balls that everyone can literally see. On a side note, if this makes you horny there’s something wrong with you.

-Ryan

Justin Bieber Is Ruining My Life

Justin Bieber as Robin?!

There is a solid chance this is a hoax, but hoax or not, this is one of the worst pictures in the history of the world. I got my heart ripped out last night watching Breaking Bad but that’s nothing compared to how I felt when I saw this picture. This move has the potential to ruin movies for me. If I have to watch Justin Bieber be Robin, or any character in any movie ever, then we as a society have failed. He failed miserably as the host of SNL, and I can only imagine how many squinty faces he’d make if he was actually given a prominent role in a feature film. Way to make a rainy Monday worse than it already is, Bieber, and may God help you if this is real.

– Ryan

P.S. IF this is real, the transition from Joseph Gordon-Levitt to Justin Bieber as Robin would be the worst in movie history.

Apparently Rhode Island Is Stalker Central

“Taylor Swift has to deal with guys not loving her back pretty often, but this time around she’s got one guy who just won’t get out of her hair — and who’s straight up scary. The ‘Everything Has Changed’ singer reportedly has a full-blown stalker, and the perp was arrested after he tried passing her security guard a love letter while trespassing on her Rhode Island property. Swift, who’s dated men ranging from older (John Mayer) to barely legal (Conor Kennedy) has standards, and 55-year-old Joseph Bernatche didn’t meet them. The Portland, Maine man was arrested on July 27 for allegedly trespassing on Swift’s palatial property, something his lawyer denies. “We deny that Mr. Bernatche was ever on Ms. Swift’s property,” Bernatche’s attorney Michael J. Robinson told Radar Online. “The security guards have a job to do and I don’t blame them. They do what they think they have to do. In this case, I think they were just being overly zealous, overly cautious.” So what exactly happened? According to Robinson, not much. “Mr. Bernatche showed up and parked at the house next to Taylor Swift’s,” Robinson says. “He was carrying a note [with his phone number on it]. He signals to the security guard to come down and hands him the note. He says, ‘I’m not here to trespass, I’m just here to deliver this note. If you would kindly give this to Taylor Swift, that’s my sole purpose for being here.’” Right. Does that sound like any conversation you’ve ever heard? Robinson continued, “The security guard reads the note, gets the license plate, and my client walks away … [Bernatche] was driving away from Ms. Swift’s property when he was stopped and arrested by the Westerly Police.” Though Bernatche has a history of trespassing on Swift’s Rhode Island property, Robin asserts that proving such a case won’t be easy for the cops — so the likely disturbed man will may get off scott-free.” – Star Crush

This is why we can’t have nice things. Rhode Island’s beautiful beaches finally lure a celebrity in her prime and now every middle aged psychopath is trying to scare her away. I love how the lawyer is trying to play this off as a normal person move. Normal people don’t do this. They don’t get caught trespassing numerous times then park their car next door and try to deliver a note with their phone number on it. Also, normal people don’t look like this:

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Until recently I was off the T-Swift bandwagon, but now that all these crazies are trying to abduct her, I think she needs me back. Hey Tay, I’m driving the bus again baby. I can be casual yet fierce, as shown by this picture of me and my long toothed friend.

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Worry free times indeed.

– Ryan

P.S. If this song wasn’t playing as Joe was walking towards the security gate then I’ve lost all my faith in humanity

The Re-Rise of Justin Bieber

Justin Bieber is going to space.

God. Damnit. I was so full of hate. I felt alive for the first time in years. I despised Justin Bieber with the fire of a thousand subs. I even wrote a post about his demise a few weeks ago. The icing on the cake was his outfit at the Heat game on Monday. I was too full of joy to even write about it. I would have bet anything that he would fade into bolivian and we’d never have to hear that beautiful voice again. Wrong (Charlie Murphy voice). According to my super secret source (the internet) the Biebs is going to space. Not only is he going to space, but he’s going with one of the coolest people on the planet: Sir Richard Branson. While attempting to read the article, I learned that it will cost Bieber $250,000, a stiff price for 99% of the people who live on this planet. Then I continued to the read the article and learned that Justin Bieber made $55 million last year. If that doesn’t make you want to kill yourself then I don’t know what does. Moral of the story: Justin Bieber isn’t falling, he’s soaring. Stuffing any supermodel he wants, wiping his ass with $100 bills and flying to fucking outer space. Oh, and he’s 19. I will now go play in traffic.

– Ryan

P.S. If anything I’m scared for Justin Bieber. Once Matt finds out Bieb’s is going to space there won’t be a force in this world that will stop Matt from finding him and killing him.

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