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The Doctah Weighs In: Science Says The Broken Heart Can Be Mended…By The Placebo Effect

Researchers at the University of Colorado Boulder found that simply believing you’re doing something positive to get over your ex can influence brain regions associated with emotional regulation and lessen the pain you’re feeling. In other words, remaining open to the possibility that what you’re doing could potentially make you feel better works like a placebo effect.The participants were asked to bring in two photos: one of their ex and one of a close friend. Inside a functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) machine, the heartbroken parties were shown images of their exes and asked to reflect on the breakup.

Then they saw the images of their friend (the control variable).They were also given a jolt of physical pain (a hot stimulus on their left forearm).As these stimuli were alternately repeated, the participants were asked how they felt on a scale of 1 (very bad) to 5 (very good). Meanwhile, the fMRI machine tracked activity in the brain. The machine showed similar areas of the brain lit up during both emotional pain (reminiscing and looking at the ex pic) and physical pain — suggesting that the heartache you feel after a breakup is very real and not just in your head. – Huff Post

Holy Shit!  First of all, now science has decided to inflict pain on humans to distinguish heartbreak.  Does anybody not find this alarming?  Let’s look quick:  electronic pain to determine how heartbroken you are?

Ok.  Now that we are over the woes of humanity.  They also found a solution:  Fake it until you make it.  Now, I may not technically be a doctor, but some say I may be a doctor of “LOVE”, so I could technically give you some unofficial breakup advice for men by a/the MAN.

You love your girlfriend, you buy her a gift, she breaks up with you.  Let’s keep the synopsis’s general and short.  Best way to handle this is, according to science, do not attempt to gain her back.

Instead, go to the mall, and tell every girl you see that you need to take a picture of them kissing your cheek to make your ex girlfriend jealous.  Two things will happen:  You will get a lot of kisses which will make you feel more loved which will slowly decrease the heartbreak (there are reasons why I am considered a Doctah, rather than a Doctor).  You will also post them on Facebook and Instagram, and this will bring more females into your life, as well as bring her back.

Whala!  Eureka!  No one gives break up advice for MEN, so I’m going to do it.

Stay Classy My Friends.

~The Doctah~

 

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Good Luck Sleeping Ever: Thousands of Spiders Have Formed A Mega Web In Texas

MEGA WEB – If you’re an arachnophobe, a natural attraction at a Rowlett park may be the stuff nightmares are made of: A “communal” web.

How many?”I never knew spiders could do this,” a spider spectator named Pierson Clinger told us as he inspected the mega-web, spun by an army of spiders.

“Too many to my liking,” said Pierson’s sister, Mackenna.

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Oh God why. That is seriously one of the most haunting pictures I’ve ever seen. Also how about Mackenna with the understatement of the century at the end of this article. “Too many to my liking.” YOU DON’T SAY. Spiders just aren’t meant to be messed up, especially when they work together like finely tuned machines. An ‘army of spiders’ are literally the most frightening words you could ever string together in a sentence. I’d rather see the words an ‘army of gun wielding fanatics’ than an ‘army of spiders’. If this is the first step in the spider takeover, I’m moving to the ocean.

-Ryan

It’ll All Be Over Soon: Scientists Have Found Sharks Living In An Underground Volcano Lair

Oh GoodOver four days, Brennan Phillips’ expedition team boated closer and closer to Kavachi, an underwater volcano off the Solomon Islands.

Even without such theatrics it’s a dangerous place though. “Divers who have gotten close to the outer edge of the volcano have had to back away because of how hot it is or because they were getting mild skin burns from the acid water.”

So the team strategically deployed their instruments—including disposable robots, underwater cameras, and National Geographic’s deep-sea Drop Cam—to get a broad look at the whole volcano, including what the bottom looks like. Their biggest surprise was that hammerheads and silky sharks showed up on their deep-sea Drop Cam footage—in numbers.

Nope Octopus

Well this is frightening. Sharks are kind of frightening in general. Granted we’re stupid for being surprised when we get eaten by them since they live in the water and we don’t, but this is some next level shit. Sharks living in an underground volcano lair like some kind of Dr. Evil/Jaws hybrid is truly terrifying. And you know they’re plotting in there. Breathing in the carbon dioxide and methane gas, thinking of ways they can adapt to survive on land and eliminate the human race. While these scientists are busy trying to study the sharks, I’m going to imitate my little buddy above and say NOPE and get the hell out of here.

– Ryan

Our Long National Nightmare Is Over: The Brontosaurus Is A Dinosaur Again

DinomiteRemember Pluto? Tiny lonely rock orbiting the sun at the edge of the solar system? And then, in 2006, researchers summarily defrocked the little world of its status as a planet. Poof! Gone.

This kind of thing has happened before. Many decades ago, paleontologists similarly decided that there wasn’t enough evidence to support the existence of the beloved Brontosaurus. Instead, they said that the noble thunder lizard was just an Apatosaurus. Poof.

But mourn the Brontosaurus no longer! A team of heroes may have rescued it from paleontological purgatory. By cross-referencing the digitized bones from hundreds of long-necked cousins, a team of European scientists now says that they’ve identified enough unique anatomical details to reinstate the Brontosaurus at the head of its own genus. That’s not all. “The real importance of this paper is this is the first time that this group of sauropods have been analyzed in a big fashion,” says Mark Norell, the top paleontologist at the American Museum of Natural History in New York.

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In the interest of full disclosure, I did not know the Brontosaurus wasn’t considered a dinosaur, and I didn’t understand most of the Wired article cited above, but you know what? This is a big win. I don’t want to live in world where a Brontosaurus is considered an Apatosaurus and not a dinosaur. That’s just some kind of bullshit I’m unwilling to put up with. I’ll let a lot of things slide, but dissing a Brontosaurus is not one of them. NOT TODAY! Honestly, the stuff paleontologists do is unreal. Some of the words they use to describe their job sound fake, and maybe they’re making up words, but either way it’s fascinating shit. Cross referencing digitized bones, identifying anatomical details, analyzing sauropods; I don’t know what any of it means but the Brontosaurus is a dinosaur again so today’s a big win for the world.

– Ryan

Hey Science: You Suck [The Doctah Is In]

 – Scientists have designed a machine that they say can help women achieve orgasm at the push of a button.

The device, which is a little smaller than a pack of cigarettes, uses electrodes attached to the patient’s spine to trigger an orgasm via remote control. Doctors think it could help women who are unable to achieve orgasm by other means.

it is TRULY OVER.

That’s a sad face above if you didn’t see.  Yes, a sad face.  Why?.

They took it away.  The power.  Science is trying to take the power away. What power am I speaking of? In the words of Huey Lewis, I’m talking about the power of love. Science is essentially trying to reprogram love.

Love is intimacy, and passion.  If females can zap themselves to orgasm quicker than the speed of light, what truly is left to life? That removes the intimacy part.  Leaving just passion?  I don’t know if life could thrive without passion. Is this the females way of getting back at us?  They basically said “oh yeah, well if you can do it in a minute, we can do it in a second, ASSHOLE.” Well I’ll just say it, because well, I’m that much of an asshole.

Our true reason to exist would not be to chase and procreate, but only to solely procreate. This could cause massive porn addictions, inadvertent auto asphyxiation suicides, or reluctant sexual experiences with the same sex to release yourself.  These actions may cause loneliness, death, or regret.

Just an aside, if your going to have a massive porn addiction, please visit SmilefortheCum.com, for all your pornographic viewing needs.

Carry on with your day.

– The Doctah

Bill Nye The Dancing Guy

Guess who is starring in season 17 of Dancing With The Stars?! The one, the only, Bill Nye The Science Guy.

Best news iv’e heard all week!

-MattyV

PS- Now lets talk about how hot his dance partner is.

[on ze left] WOOF

Singularity: Friend or Foe?

I read this article about scientists theorizing humans will achieve singularity by the year 2045. Singularity occurs when technology surpasses the capabilities of the human brain,creating a superintelligence. Imagine being able to download the human brain to a computer? Digital
Immortality, would the download be able to learn? What’s the need for a body at that point? Incredible and a bit disconcerting at the same time.

Imagine machines being able to take over bodily functions? BCI’s are already being implemented. The first brain computer interface is an implant that electronically stimulate the cochlear nerve allowing sound to be heard for the first time by people born without hearing.

By the year 2045, I’ll be 57, I totally expect aging to be a thing of the past. Little microchips implanted to resume the duties of failing areas of the nervous system.

The other side of superintelligence is of course SkyNet….

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-Sean Lite-

Conrad Farnsworth is a Cocky Bastard

Conrad Farnsworth is the cockiest high school nerd I’ve ever seen.

Just get a load of this guy.

Conrad Farnsworth

So Conrad here, makes a nuclear reactor at home and submits it into his science fair (impressive) and then proceeds to be kicked out of the fair entirely. This arrogant piece of crap has been in too many science fairs! So I don’t care if you’ve built a homemade atomic collider under your entire neighborhood, you’re too greedy Conrad! Let the kid with the vinegar volcano or the poorly crafted model of the solar system have a chance. You’re winning too much.

Also you’re attending the South Dakota School of Mines next year. What the fuck? Why aren’t you going to MIT or something. This stinks to high heaven of plagiarism.

Sean Lite

P.S. it could be plagiarism because he’s one of 15 high schoolers to accomplish this feat. I’m sorry what? How has this happened 15 times? All
15 of these kids better be on an FBI watch list…

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