Blog Archives

The Doctah Diaries: R. Kelly Is Apparently Holding Aspiring Female Musicians Hostage

Before we begin, let’s all hope Dave Chappelle is hard at work on a new R. Kelly scandal song. I’m thinking ‘I’ll Never Let You Fly (The Hostage Song)’ to the beat of ‘ I Believe I Can Fly.

And now, back to the drama.

It has been a longggggggggggggg while since we heard from R&B singer, R. Kelly, and I think I know why.

Kelly has been pleasantly, or unpleasantly, keeping women in a cult.

Couple of things on my mind here before we continue about Mr Kelly

  1. I didn’t know that cults provided food, shelter, and clothing. I thought they only provided Kool-Aid
  2. What’s stopping women from leaving Mr. Kelly if they live in Chicago and Atlanta?  It’s not like they are next door neighbors

But, that’s neither here nor there …

Here’s an excerpt from the article:

Three former members of Kelly’s inner circle—Cheryl Mack, Kitti Jones, and Asante McGee— provided details supporting the parents’ worst fears. They said six women live in properties rented by Kelly in Chicago and the Atlanta suburbs, and he controls every aspect of their lives: dictating what they eat, how they dress, when they bathe, when they sleep, and how they engage in sexual encounters that he records. – Vice

First of all, keywords here are RENT, PARENTS, SEXUAL.  I’ll explain why.

  1. Kelly is renting.  I guess “I Believe I Can Fly” didn’t make enough royalties to buy a home?  Can’t you leave rent agreements freely by calling the police?  What ever happened to that idea?  “Hi Officer, I’m being detained against my will because I won’t pay the rent, will you come arrest somebody.”  Try that.
  2. Parents normally fear for their children’s lives.  Understandable.  However, they don’t go to the press – they go to the cops.  This is why I believe this is just terrible PR management and R. Kelly is just trying to make a comeback, and his publicist was just like “hey Rob, let’s run with the sex thing, tell your [expletives] they each get 50k.”.
  3. Let’s see.  How about if he’s really being a dick, you can technically bite his tallywacker right off and claim temporary insanity, domestic abuse, and self defense all in one defense and BAM you’ll be that girl, but you’ll be … how do you say it … FREE

The truth is, this R. Kelly mess is just a big made up scam by his publicist in a desperate attempt to free R. Kelly’s soul.

On the other hand, let’s talk about the happy days when you didn’t know R. Kelly liked to perform golden showers and make females hang out with him against their will. Remember little Michael Jordan’s dad saying “And when you’re all done with that … I suppose … youre gonna fly, huh?” and Jordan dunking the ball? Oh the times, they have changed. But now you know where all that Space Jam money went, and obviously it’s not enough for Mr. Kelly because he can’t purchase a damn mansion and store his collective females there.

Oh, Lord, this has been one hell of a day.  I need a ZIMA.  Google it.

Stay Classy my Nobodies.  Until we meet again.

~The Doctah~

040 Game of Thrones S7 E1 – Dragon Stone

Talk to us on twitter – @AverageNobodies || Read our blog – || Leave us a voicemail – 401-285-8120

Ignition Square Off: Jimmy Fallon Ragtime vs. Dave Chappelle’s R. Kelly


Who are we kidding, Dave Chappelle’s wins by a country mile, but Jimmy Fallon is still el hombre. Once I saw the video of Fallon singing Ignition in ragtime I immediately thought of Chappelle’s spoof version. Haters gonna hate. Lovers gonna love. I don’t even want, none of the above I want to piss on you. I think I just found my wedding song.

– Ryan

R. Kelly is Going to Make a Christmas Album, Seduce Everyones Female Relatives and Probably Have Sex With Them

Source – If you’re planning to play one of R. Kelly’s recent albums to liven up your  holiday parties (and really, who isn’t?), make sure you check the album art  first.

That’s because his forthcoming Christmas album (due out in time for next  year’s holiday) would be a much more seasonally appropriate choice than his  lascivious new one, “Black Panties.”

Don’t mistake the Christmas record as being exactly wholesome, however, he  told Rap-Up Interview. “It’s gonna be a lot of lovemaking. … I come with  that bearing gifts.”

The mind reels at the sex-metaphor possibilities that the holiday season will  open up for Kelly.  Though we hope he’ll broaden his topicality to include  all sorts of cultural celebrations — from Hanukkah (eight nights of passion, etc.) to Diwali and  beyond.


I don’t care what this article says. In R. Kelly’s world, there are two things: wonderful, visceral sexy sex..and death. Horrible, boring death. R. Kelly could be making a Christian church album for small children. It wouldn’t matter. All he knows is sexy sex. If you buy this album, R. Kelly is going to have his way with you. And it’s probably going to be glorious.

– Ryan

Selena Gomez’s Performance Was Missing One Thing: R. Kelly in an Apron

I’ll give Selena a little credit here. Her performance was tolerable, but when I think of football on Thanksgiving day, Selena Gomez doesn’t come to my mind. I have a hard time believing any rabid football fan is also a huge Selena Gomez fan. Since she was already operating at a disadvantage, why not bring in the hottest thing in music today to spice up your performance?




R. Kelly is a musical triple threat. Sex, passion and unpredictability. Is he gonna show up on stage and hump Selena Gomez while wearing a beautiful white apron while millions of Americans are eating Thanksgiving dinner? I hope so, because that’s what people pay to see. If R. Kelly did every major halftime show until the end of the time I’d die a happy man. You just can’t teach his talent.

– Ryan

Here’s the Full Soft Core Performance of Lady Gaga & R. Kelly’s ‘Do What U Want’ From SNL

I’d love to say that R. Kelly is back, but you and I both know he never left. If apron sales don’t skyrocket by 1000% this week then I have no faith left in people. Yes this performance should’ve been on Cinemax and not NBC. And yes I loved every second of it.

– Ryan

Kells is Redefining the Apron Game