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Hey Science: You Suck [The Doctah Is In]

 – Scientists have designed a machine that they say can help women achieve orgasm at the push of a button.

The device, which is a little smaller than a pack of cigarettes, uses electrodes attached to the patient’s spine to trigger an orgasm via remote control. Doctors think it could help women who are unable to achieve orgasm by other means.

it is TRULY OVER.

That’s a sad face above if you didn’t see.  Yes, a sad face.  Why?.

They took it away.  The power.  Science is trying to take the power away. What power am I speaking of? In the words of Huey Lewis, I’m talking about the power of love. Science is essentially trying to reprogram love.

Love is intimacy, and passion.  If females can zap themselves to orgasm quicker than the speed of light, what truly is left to life? That removes the intimacy part.  Leaving just passion?  I don’t know if life could thrive without passion. Is this the females way of getting back at us?  They basically said “oh yeah, well if you can do it in a minute, we can do it in a second, ASSHOLE.” Well I’ll just say it, because well, I’m that much of an asshole.

Our true reason to exist would not be to chase and procreate, but only to solely procreate. This could cause massive porn addictions, inadvertent auto asphyxiation suicides, or reluctant sexual experiences with the same sex to release yourself.  These actions may cause loneliness, death, or regret.

Just an aside, if your going to have a massive porn addiction, please visit SmilefortheCum.com, for all your pornographic viewing needs.

Carry on with your day.

– The Doctah

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Richard Sherman is Now Public Enemy Number One

Boy, that escalated quickly. I could’ve swore the Seahawks won the game and were going to the Superbowl. Here’s my only problem with this: Sherman went after Crabtree and the 49ers postgame, to a sideline reporter. There is no doubt in my mind Crabtree and every other 49er were talking trash all game. It’s football; nowadays, it’s just another part of the game. If Sherman had a problem with Crabtree, or anyone else for that matter, he should’ve handled it on the field. Instead, he made the play of the game, then walked over to Crabtree and mockingly stuck his hand out, got flagged and ran off the field. Again, I don’t care about the trash talk. But calling someone out when he’s already left the field, especially when you had the chance to say your peace 5 minutes earlier, doesn’t sit right with me. Good luck in Jersey, Mr. Sherman. I hope Peyton eats you alive.

– A bitter 49ers fan

Post-Christmas Food Coma

fat-mac-tired

 

Excuse me while I hide under my desk and hibernate until spring.

-Matt

You Guys, Bill O’Reilly Is Upset the Denver Post is Promoting the Use of Pot

Bill O’Reilly is like a combination of the mother and father (RIP Jerry) from Dirty Dancing. No dancing, no drinking and definitely no smoking that reefer. It’s 2013, Bill. Pot is LEGAL in Colorado. Why wouldn’t the states biggest newspaper have someone writing about it? How else are coloradites going to know when the newest strain of Alaskan Ice is at their local dispensary? Honestly, the only reason Bill O’Reilly is still on the air is for stories like this. O’Reilly freaks out and throws a hissy fit, then he goes on Jon Stewart or Stephen Colbert, gets put in his place, then cowers back to Fox until he finds something else to moan about. Go back to your shanty, O’Reilly. America is tired of you.

– Ryan

Erotic Cream Cheese Massage: Yay or Nay?

(Source) “Malaysian “spas” are dispensing with massage oil in favor of cream cheese in a kinky new offering in the country’s bustling erotic massage industry.

The weekend edition of the Malay-language Harian Metro said reporters from the tabloid discovered that some spas near the capital Kuala Lumpur were offering customers the option of being smeared with cream cheese.

The cheese is then licked from the customer’s body by their scantily-clad “masseuse,” usually a likely sex worker from China, Indonesia or Vietnam, the paper said on Sunday in what it billed as an investigative report on the sex industry.

Prostitution is illegal in predominantly Muslim Malaysia, where conservative attitudes toward sex prevail.

But the country’s media regularly portray a thriving sex industry involving prostitutes from China, Vietnam, Thailand and other less-developed countries in the region, and often disguised as massage operations.

In a follow-up report on Monday, Harian Metro quoted an official in the Kuala Lumpur suburb Subang Jaya, where a spa was reportedly offering the cheese treatment, as saying massage parlors would face stern action if found to be offering “irresponsible activities”.

“This activity is a serious disease in today’s society,” said Subang Jaya town council official Azfarizal Abdul Rashid.

Most Malaysians are relatively conservative Muslim ethnic Malays but the country also has sizable ethnic Chinese and Indian communities.

Police raids on prostitution operations are a staple of tabloids like Harian Metro, but authorities are widely viewed to generally turn a blind eye to the industry’s activities.”

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On the one hand the thought of chinese sex workers licking cream cheese off my body is kind of repulsing. On the other hand, if I’m going to one of these Malaysian massage parlors and someone offers me a cream cheese massage I’m going to have a hard time saying no. How do you say no to that? I’m not proud of a lot of things I’ve done but i don’t want to be known as the guy who turned down a cream cheese massage. I’d become the laughing stock of the entire nation. I wouldn’t want to be the initiator, but if it’s put on my plate I’m going to eat it. Hopefully the terrible diseases that I’d 100% get from the sex workers will be worth it.

– Ryan

Robbing Banks 101: Don’t Search “What Happens If You Rob a Bank”

(Source) “If you’re going to use the Internet as a bank-robbing how-to guide, it’s probably a good idea to delete your search history.

That may be the nail in the coffin for one accused bank robber, who police said looked for tips by searching, “What happens if you rob a bank” and “If you’re going to rob a bank,” prior to the robbery. (We’re going to assume “clear browsing data” was not one of those tips.)

Authorities in Massachusetts recently made three arrests following a robbery at the Weymouth Bank in South Weymouth Friday morning. Shortly before 11 a.m., a woman, who did not furnish a weapon, reportedly entered the bank and demanded money. She made off with an unspecified amount of cash after instructing the bank teller to not give her a dye pack (an exploding device that leaves a permanent mark on cash).

According to The Patriot Ledger, the suspect was identified from bank security footage after officers in the narcotics division recognized her as the subject of an ongoing heroin distribution investigation. Witnesses also told police the female suspect was with a male prior to the robbery.

Officers arrived at the property that was under investigation in the drug distribution case and took 27-year-old Sarah J. McLoud and Robert W. Owens, 28, into custody Friday afternoon. During a search of the Torrey Street residence, police said they found clothing worn during the bank robbery, cash stolen during the theft and a suspicious search history.

“A computer in the room showed recent searches including: What happens if you rob a bank, What happens if you rob a house, What happens if you rob a drug dealer, and If you’re going to rob a bank,” the Weymouth Police Department wrote in a statement on its Facebook page along with a photo of the three suspects.”

bank robber

The saying “not the brightest bulbs” gives these three way too much credit. If your first step in the process of robbing a bank is to Google “if you’re robbing a bank…” you should probably find another hobby. Google is a wonderful thing, especially for movie quotes and song lyrics, but I wouldn’t rely on it to help me rob a bank. Also, if you’re ever a suspect in an ongoing heroin distribution case, maybe lay low for awhile. It’s probably best to stay out off security cameras that are used primarily when a bank is robbed. Last but no least, if you rob a house, bank or drug dealer, you’re probably going to jail. Didn’t really need Google for that one.

– Ryan

 

Florida Might Honestly Be The Worst Place On Earth

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(Source) “Beware of the monkeys!

Hundreds of rare wild monkeys — some carrying herpes — are on the loose in Florida after a tour guide brought the spunky critters to the state long ago.

Wildlife officials said that three pairs of Rhesus monkeys were transported to a park near Ocala in the 1930s by tour operator Colonel Tooey after a “Tarzan” flick sparked a fascination with the creature.

But the breed has since boomed and more than 1,000 of the monkeys now live in the state, wildlife officials say.

State officials have caught more than 700 of the monkeys in the past decade — most of which tested positive for the herpes-B virus.

Wildlife officials now consider the monkeys a public health hazard.

Current Silver River tour operator Captain Tom O’Lenick, 65, defended transporting the animals, claiming people love them.

“Everybody who comes on the river for a tour wants to see the monkeys,” O’Lenick said.

“From my point of view, as a naturalist, I think the planet changes naturally and species do move around, whether that is by man or other means,” he said.

The monkeys were first marooned on a small island near the Silver River. But the creatures learned to swim.

They have since been spotted hundreds of miles away, near Jacksonville, officials said.

“Just like any other wild animal you need to give them space,” said British wildlife photographer Graham McGeorge, 42.

The monkeys eat dirt and spiders and live near rivers.”

Florida is just falling apart at the seams. If you told me herpes monkeys were invading a state Florida would be my first guess. The same state that has people who stab their brothers over mac n’ cheese have herpes infested monkeys? Shocker. Florida used to be known for sunshine and the elderly. Now it’s known for psychos and herpes monkeys. Not the ideal transition.

– Ryan

Nobody Does Sex Diaries Like The Kennedy’s

(Source) Robert F. Kennedy Jr. grappled with what he called his biggest defect — “my lust demons” — while keeping a scorecard of more than two dozen conquests, according to his secret diary.

The thick, red journal was found in their home by his wife, Mary Richardson Kennedy, who, distraught over their impending divorce and Kennedy’s serial philandering, committed suicide last year.

A copy of the 398 pages, reviewed by The Post, details RFK Jr.’s daily activities, speeches, political activism and the lives of his six children in the year 2001. But they also record the names of women — with numbers from 1 to 10 next to each entry.

The codes corresponded to sexual acts, with 10 meaning intercourse, Mary told a confidant. There are 37 women named in the ledger, 16 of whom get 10s.

On Nov. 13, 2001, RFK Jr. records a triple play. The separate encounters — coded 10, 3 and 2 — occur the same day he attended a black-tie fund-raiser at the Waldorf-Astoria for Christopher Reeve’s charity, where he sat next to the paralyzed “Superman” star, magician David Blaine and comic Richard Belzer.

It was a hectic month for Kennedy, who traveled to ­Toronto, Louisiana and Washington, DC — and listed at least one woman’s name on 22 different dates, including 13 consecutive days.

Most women are identified only by first name in the ledger. They include a lawyer, an environmental activist, a doctor and at least one woman married to a famous actor.

A Post reporter who questioned Kennedy Friday about the diary was first met with six seconds of stunned silence.”

Spotlight_Robert-F.-Kennedy,-Jr.

JFK banged Marilyn Monroe. RFK also banged Marilyn Monroe. And now RFK Jr. has quite possibly the most intricate sex diary in the history of the world. Number system? Yes. Bible references? Double yes. Spending a month in a Puerto Rican prison so he doesn’t cheat on his wife? Sure, why not. They may have ran the country for most of the 20th century, but this solidfies the fact that the Kennedys are sex crazed maniacs. The black tie event that Kennedy details in his sex diary sounded like one hell of a crazy night. He received a 10, 3 and a 2. My question is if 10 = sex, what the hell are a 2 and a 3? I was under the impression we counted hand jobs, blow jobs and then sex. Are you telling me there are 7 more things I’m missing out on? Enlighten me Bobby Jr. And then get yourself some help.

– Ryan

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