Red Sox lose 10 straight without the stache, then start a winning streak once the stache arrives. Coincidence? I don’t know, I’m not a doctor. All I know is if Ryan Lavarnway shaves that mustache he should be exiled to the Chicago Cubs, where baseball players go to die.
If this is going to be the after effects of Movember then I vote we shut it down right now. Growing mustaches is one thing. Turning that mustache into a weird mustache chest hair cat sculpture is another. I think this sassy lady speaks for all of us when she says…
I judge a mustache on three criteria: upkeep, style and the overall charisma the mustache exudes.
I’m willing to admit Harold has me beat in the charisma department. The guy just looks like a star. Plus someone else took his picture while I took a picture of myself in my office cubicle. I’m willing to admit when I’m outmatched, and when it comes to natural charisma, Harold has IT.
Style: we both went with the traditional mustache. I’m not one to brag but the human face is a much better fit for a mustache. The lack of a neck really throws off the dimensions needed for a good stache. I’d have to give the style round to myself.
Upkeep: I’m the clear winner in the upkeep category, but the lack of trimming devices/hands and fingers is a disadvantage for the walrus that can’t be ignored. Those whiskers are mighty long, but it seems as if Harold has no control over how long they grow.
After a lot of soul searching, I’d have to rule this contest a draw. Only fair way to call it. On the bright side, at least Harold doesn’t look like a porn star.
1. The Ron Swanson Pyramid of Greatness
– Every great man needs a pyramid of greatness. Unwritten rule of life. This is how boys become men, and men become heroes. Ever heard of a hero drinking skim milk? Neither have I.
2. Eat Like a Champion, Live Like a Champion
– Steaks, eggs, bacon. If you can’t succeed on that diet, maybe you’re not cut out for life in the fast lane. I know for a fact that if I only ate steak, bacon and eggs during my childhood I’d be a professional athlete. Or dead. Either way, Ron Swanson is right.
3. The Power of the Mustache
– Behind every mediocre man, you’ll find a great man with a mustache. Teddy Roosevelt, Martin Luther King, Jr, Tom Selleck, Freddie Mercury, Ron Swanson. All American heroes. All hall of fame mustaches.
4. The Best Government is No Government At All
– I’m not saying the government shutdown wouldn’t have happened if Ron Swanson was in charge, but there’s a good chance it wouldn’t have happened. That’s the beauty of the pyramid of greatness: it’s useful in ever facet of life, including the government. Combine that with his eating habits and panty dropping mustache, and you have the greatest mentor in the history of the world.