We’ve done a lot of hypothetical monster blogs, but this one might take the cake. If there is a demographic out there that would ever root for the Average Nobodies to become porn stars then I will have lost complete faith in humanity. There’s just certain things human eyes aren’t meant to see. That still didn’t stop us from coming us with stage names if we ever made the big time.
Is there a place and time that you wish you could live during, other than right now? Yes? Well The Average Nobodies agree with you. While we are blessed to live among a time of online cat pictures, “Two Girls One Cup” , and slim jims, we dream of life in other times. So here we go, Ryan and I’s eras we would love to live during, Start up your DeLorean and ramp up to 88 mph, because we are going back in time!
The medieval ages are built for a man of my skilled craftsmanship and hand-to-hand combat. I, a common farmer, am thrust into role as leader of the king’s guard after defending the King from a rogue soldier. So grateful, the King leaves me in his will as his heir to the throne. The following year the king comes down with a great sickness and dies in his bed. The following day I take over as king. I am a good king, a fair king… a handsome king. I am known across the land as Matt “The People’s King” Vieira, son of Thomas and elder brother of Sir Mitch of The White Smoke Mountains. I participate in, and win convincingly, many sword fighting and jousting tournaments to remind myself, and my people, that while I am fair, I am still a dangerous man. I live out my days drinking wine, laying with my 10 beautiful wives, and stuffing my face with exotic foods, until I die at the ripe old age (at that time) of 42. Upon my death a giant statue is erected in my likeness, and still stands in modern day New York. It was given to America as a gift from France…see where i’m going with this? Boom.
[As you can see, I am a natural king.]
I’m not an era guy. I’m all about decades, and I would thrive in the 1830s. With my boyish charm and rapist wit, I’d be an icon to people across the globe. I’d start off as a blacksmith. No doubt in my mind. Just like my daddy and his daddy before him. The twist: I’m no ordinary blacksmith. I’ve been studying the newly developed railroad system that’s being created in the United States. I move to Baltimore, the city where the first US Railroad System opens. At first I blend in as just another blacksmith. I start hanging around the tracks. After a few months I know every conductors route, and more importantly, on which cars they keep the money. I become known as the blacksmith bandit. The authorities know everything about me, except what i look like. Once I store up a decent amount of money after years of flawless robberies, I use my new found clout to my advantage, especially in the world of politics. During the 1837 presidential campaign, I run on the same card as my mentor, Martin Van Buren. We use the picture above as our campaign poster. We win. A low level blacksmith is now the Vice President of the United States, an American fairytale that has sprung to life. The 1830s will forever be known as the Fogarty Years.