Around the holidays, there’s nothing that brings people together quite like talking politics. On Wednesday night, the House of Representatives voted to impeach President Donald Trump. Because we’re all living in hell, everyone with a Facebook or Twitter account decided to post what their interpretation of that meant. The media gladly played along with headlines such as this:
While that’s technically true, there’s so much more to it than just saying he’s been impeached and moving on to the next cute dog video. Most people seem to think this infographic has been helpful:
That might be helpful for some people, but here’s what everyone is really thinking:
I’d be happy to. Since ‘President Trump’ tends to be a divisive term, I’ve replaced it with ‘Daddy’ moving forward.
What You Need To Know
Back in July, Daddy was on a call with the President of Ukraine discussing promised military aid. During the call, Daddy asked the President if he could announce an investigation into Joe Biden and his son Hunter, labeling it as a ‘favor’. The former just so happens to be one of the main Democratic candidates for President next year. Why would Daddy ask this?
If that call and request for an investigation into a political opponent were kept secret, we wouldn’t be having this discussion. Unfortunately for Daddy, there was a whistle blower who reacted to the call like:
Once the details of the call were whistle blown (?), Democrats and Republicans had different reactions. The Democrats, who have long been looking for a way to take down Daddy, were elated:
The Republicans, who hitched their wagon to Daddy, were not as happy:
Once impeachment talks started to heat up, Daddy went straight to Twitter to set the record straight. In other words:
To make things worse for Daddy, he allegedly tried to obstruct the ongoing investigation into the Ukraine call. I have to imagine staff and allies tried to persuade him to keep quiet, to which he responded:
Armed with two articles of impeachment, the Democrats were ready to bring the case to the House of Representatives. A debate regarding the legality of the articles would ensue with each side stating their points:
Nancy Pelosi made her argument. The Republicans reacted accordingly:
The Republicans made their argument, including an interesting comparison of the proceedings to Jesus’s treason trial and the reasonableness of Pontius Pilate. Only question remained:
After all the debating, the House voted to impeach Daddy and move the trial to the Senate. But wait, there’s more! The Democrats may hold off on bringing the articles to the Senate citing the Senate Majority Leader’s statement that he would coordinate the trial with the White House counsel. The Democrats had only one response:
Daddy, on the other hand, was very happy about McConnell’s statement:
The saga continues. While this entire process has us feeling like this:
I know we’ll all be happy when we can finally say:
Last year we debuted our new year resolutions blog and right now, in 2016, we are back with the second installment. Without further adieu, here is our update from last year’s resolutions and our new ones for 2016.
2015 Resolution: Do more cartwheels
2016 Resolution: Watch more movies starring Nick Cage
2015 was the year of the cartwheel. I did cartwheels wherever I could (including someplaces I shouldn’t have) and whenever I wanted (most of the time I was a wee bit [blackout] drunk). I feel good about my cartwheeling shenanigans from 2015 so much that I am ready to move on to an even more important resolution, watch more Nick Cage.
Why, you ask? It’s simple. Say you’re in the mood to watch a movie, but you’re not sure which genre you’re feeling. We’ve all been there, a Netflix library full of flicks and nothing to watch. Ah, but there’s a solution. That solution is Nick Cage’s IMDB page. There you can find the movie that you so crave. Feeling the need for speed? Check out Gone in Sixty Seconds. Is a RomCom more your speed? Check out The Family Man. Feeling up for an adventure? The National Treasure movies or The Rock is sure to calm that twitch in your neck.
2015 Resolution: Drink more pickle juice
2016 Resolution: Hold more babies
“Every different nation, Spanish, Hatian, Indian, Jamaican, Black, White, Cuban, and Asian.” Yes, those are the lyrics to ‘Miami’ by Will Smith and yes, that is my New Years Resolution. I don’t care what color or race a baby is, I want to hold it in 2016. I recently became an uncle, and the pure joy that babies bring to every environment is unrivaled. Unless you’re sitting next to a random crying one on a plane, babies kind of rule. They exhibit all the signs of adult drunkenness but don’t deal with any of the consequences. Stand up and immediately fall down? Cute baby. Throw shit around the house? Cute baby. Poop your pants. Cute. Baby. They’re living the dream, and I want a little bit of that sunshine in my life as much as possible this year. I believe my mentor Michael Scott put it best:
P.S. I wanted the Michael Scott clip where he talks about a baby being President but the internet is a cruel woman sometimes.
Here are my top 3 favorite Michael vs. Toby moments.
1.) Wanted Animal Rapist
3.) Toby Returns
And because I couldn’t fit all of my favorites in the top 3, here is a great compilation video of Toby Flenderson and Michael Scott.