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Snake Massages Are Apparently a Thing People Get

(Source) “After a long, hard day what sounds better than a nice relaxing massage … from three 6-foot-long pythons?

In Indonesia, that’s exactly what one massage parlor is offering for the low price of only $43, according to Yahoo News. The 90-minute treatment involves allowing the three snakes to slither on a person’s body, which is probably the least-relaxing way to relax that I can possibly think of.

The snakes mouths are taped shut during the massage, and there are staff members present to prod them on and make sure they don’t strangle clients and slurp them down for lunch.

The parlor also offers other unusual services: a massage from a guy in a gorilla suit and a bath in a tub of beer, the latter of which must be a popular way to unwind after all the other traumatizing experiences people have at this place.”

Why. Why is this a real thing? Who would pay $43 to have three snakes slither all over you while some sick freak watches. I really don’t understand some people. So you’re gonna pass up a massage from a human who has hands in favor of a wild snake. I can’t imagine too many massuesse’s are also trained snake handlers. You want some tips on who might be the next serial killer? Follow whoever is getting a snake massage around. People who do this are probably into a lot weirder shit than snake massages. Maybe something along the lines of getting a massage by someone wearing a gorilla suit. Or sitting in a bath full of beer. Sick, sick puppies.

– Ryan

P.S. That beer bath does not sound fun. I like beer in my belly, not all over my body mixed with my own filth.

Erotic Cream Cheese Massage: Yay or Nay?

(Source) “Malaysian “spas” are dispensing with massage oil in favor of cream cheese in a kinky new offering in the country’s bustling erotic massage industry.

The weekend edition of the Malay-language Harian Metro said reporters from the tabloid discovered that some spas near the capital Kuala Lumpur were offering customers the option of being smeared with cream cheese.

The cheese is then licked from the customer’s body by their scantily-clad “masseuse,” usually a likely sex worker from China, Indonesia or Vietnam, the paper said on Sunday in what it billed as an investigative report on the sex industry.

Prostitution is illegal in predominantly Muslim Malaysia, where conservative attitudes toward sex prevail.

But the country’s media regularly portray a thriving sex industry involving prostitutes from China, Vietnam, Thailand and other less-developed countries in the region, and often disguised as massage operations.

In a follow-up report on Monday, Harian Metro quoted an official in the Kuala Lumpur suburb Subang Jaya, where a spa was reportedly offering the cheese treatment, as saying massage parlors would face stern action if found to be offering “irresponsible activities”.

“This activity is a serious disease in today’s society,” said Subang Jaya town council official Azfarizal Abdul Rashid.

Most Malaysians are relatively conservative Muslim ethnic Malays but the country also has sizable ethnic Chinese and Indian communities.

Police raids on prostitution operations are a staple of tabloids like Harian Metro, but authorities are widely viewed to generally turn a blind eye to the industry’s activities.”

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On the one hand the thought of chinese sex workers licking cream cheese off my body is kind of repulsing. On the other hand, if I’m going to one of these Malaysian massage parlors and someone offers me a cream cheese massage I’m going to have a hard time saying no. How do you say no to that? I’m not proud of a lot of things I’ve done but i don’t want to be known as the guy who turned down a cream cheese massage. I’d become the laughing stock of the entire nation. I wouldn’t want to be the initiator, but if it’s put on my plate I’m going to eat it. Hopefully the terrible diseases that I’d 100% get from the sex workers will be worth it.

– Ryan

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