Hell in a Cell is Sunday in Dallas. You can watch it on the WWE Network for a previously agreed upon undisclosed sum of money. Let’s get to the predictions.

Paige vs. AJ Lee (C) – WWE Divas Championship Match

               if an AJ match is on the card, this GIF is being used. DEAL WITH IT

I was really excited for this feud when it first started, because it matched up two evenly athletic and skilled performers with a basic storyline: they each want to be champion. Over the past few weeks (and maybe longer) it’s developed into a weird three way feud with Alicia Fox that culminated in a terrible match on Raw where Paige hit Alicia Fox then distracted AJ to help Fox win. I still think they’ll have a good match Sunday, but I don’t’ think it’s too much to ask to have a decent build so the viewers are already invested in both wrestlers before the match starts.

Winner: this could go either way, because neither has any momentum. I’m picking Paige to dethrone the champ mostly because I love her finisher.

Nikki Bella vs. Brie Bella – Loser has to be the winner’s assistant for a month

Remembering better times

This match might be a stinker. I hope it’s not, but I also don’t have a ton of faith in the Bella Twins carrying a match that only involves the Bella Twins. Nikki looked great at Night of Champions, but I have to imagine some of that had to do with sharing the ring with AJ and Paige. If there’s one indicator of how poorly this feud has been built up, it has to be the fact that no one knew of this stipulation until WWE formally announced it.

Winner: Nikki Bella. John Cena never loses.

Big Show vs. Rusev – Grudge Match

You were warned, Big Show. Rusev is becoming one of my favorite characters, and he’s doing it in the best way possible. He is a heel in every sense of the word, but he’s so good at it, that it’s becoming tough to root against him. You still have the USA/Russia aspect in all his feuds, so for now he’ll never be cheered, but people will pay to see him get beat up. He’s also making logical and important progressions. When he was first introduced we never heard from him. His intentions were solely translated through Lana. Then he would speak briefly, but only in Russian. Now, he’s mixing in the Russian with what seems like the only English words he knows: groin, kill, crush you. It’s fantastic. His in ring style has progressed, too. He’s utilizing dropkicks more than ever, and his super kick is a great setup for The Accolade. The Big Show, on the other hand, will have to die for his country.

Winner: Rusev. He gets a big win over a giant, and not only does he continue to prove himself to be a great talent, but no one questions if he’s a racist after only beating the black wrestlers.

Sheamus (C) vs. The Miz – US Championship Match

I have a fever, and the only prescription is more DAMIEN MIZDOW. It’s impossible not to love what Damien Sandow is doing with what was a throwaway character. Miz is doing some of the best weasel heel work of his career, but he looks like an amateur compared to Sandow. It’s only of matter of time before WWE realizes what they have in Sandow and give him his Alex Riley on a larger scale moment with The Miz. Add in the fact that no one is more stale and in need of a heel turn right now than Sheamus, and I think you have the perfect recipe for a title change.

Winner: The Miz, with the help of Mizdow, which eventually leads to a Mizdow/Miz US title feud that I’m already extremely excited about.

Gold/Stardust vs. The Uso’s – Tag Team Championship Match

This should not be my reaction when Cody Rhodes and Goldust are in the same match together. Look what you’ve done to me, WWE! WWE has so much talent, yet they insist on giving us the same feuds over and over and over again. I was sick of the Uso’s after the Wyatt’s feud, which they definitely should have lost. I’m doubly sick of them now that they finally lost their tag titles yet continue to get title shots. If you like the Uso’s and think I’m crazy, watch the match Sunday and count how many moves they don’t do that include them A. slapping their leg for a kick or B. jumping over the top rope. It’s the same song and dance every time, and nowadays that’s not going to get it done. Meanwhile, Gold and Stardust are on another level with their character work. A fresh feud for these two would blow people away.

Winner: Gold/Stardust. Which leads to a feud with literally any other tag team. I’m not picky. Give me anyone.

Dolph Ziggler (C) vs. Cesaro – 2 out of 3 Falls Match for the IC Title

This is how one of the falls should end. Ziggler goes for his big DDT, and Cesaro says NOPE and uppercuts him to death and Neutralizes his lifeless body. This is the match I’m looking forward to the most for two reasons: I love both guys, and won’t be disappointed with the outcome either way. 2. Ziggler and Cesaro’s styles mesh perfectly. Cesaro is a monster and never has a bad match, but his best matches are against the guys who aren’t afraid to let him work a little stiff and really sell his moves. Did you see that uppercut he beat Ziggler with on Raw? That’s 50% Cesaro executing the move perfectly and 50% Ziggler selling like a badass. WWE hasn’t really built this match up that well, which goes for pretty much every match on the card, but there’s no doubt this will be the match of the night. I expect it to go all three falls…

Winner: Ziggler. As much as I love Cesaro, WWE still doesn’t know what to do with him. Why give him the IC title unless you plan on having him to do something with it?

Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins – Hell in a Cell

I like this feud a lot, even though Ambrose has gone a little bonkers lately, and not in a good way. Their previous matches have been great, and this should be no different. Another plus is that neither of these guys have been in a Hell in a Cell match, and with their creativity, they should develop some interesting spots. I believe this match will be a transitional match, as both guys should move on to a different feud. Rollins planted the seeds of his beef with Orton on Raw after he Curb Stomped him, and there’s only one reason for Dean Ambrose to move on from his feud with Rollins: because someone else gets in his way. Which leads me to…

Winner: Seth Rollins, with the help of Bray Wyatt. No, Wyatt will not align himself with The Authority of Rollins. He’s simply set his sites on Dean Ambrose. I think Wyatt comes back Sunday after weeks and weeks of video packages hyping his return, and he gets inside the cell a la Kane during the inaugural Cell match and destroys Ambrose. Has anyone else noticed Ambrose has become a little John Cena-eque lately? There’s been less vicious crazy Ambrose and more stupid crazy Ambrose, and that’s something the Bray Wyatt character does not agree with.  I hope that WWE reintroduces Wyatt into a main event feud, and not one centered around a mid card title. His character is too complicated and unique to have his actions justified only by wins and losses for a title. This should be a great match with an even greater ending.

John Cena vs. Randy Orton – Hell in a Cell – Winner is the #1 Contender For the World Title

All jokes aside, I would love for Randy Orton to win this match. As the wonderful people at With Spandex pointed out, if Orton wins, this sets up two equally great scenarios. Scenario 1 see’s Lesnar come back for Survivor Series and fight Orton in his hometown of St. Louis. Orton will clearly be the crowd favorite, and this match could be the start of a baby face turn for him. While he probably loses to Lesnar, at least it’s a fresh matchup for Brock, and they can easily have Orton outsmart Brock throughout the match and have both guys look strong by the end of the night. Scenario 2, which would be my favorite scenario, has Orton win but Brock doesn’t show up until the Rumble to defend his title. In the meantime, with Reigns and Bryan on the shelf, and Ambrose entangled in a Bray Wyatt feud, Orton becomes the baby face challenger to Lesnar by feuding with uber heel Seth Rollins. They have a series of great matches at Survivor Series and TLC, and Orton finally leaves The Authority and becomes an anti establishment good guy, which sets up the matchup of The Authority’s current champion versus their former face of the company. Tell me you wouldn’t watch Orton being the cool good guy who RKO’s people from OUTTA NOWHERE. I sure would. The opposite end of this spectrum? John Cena wins, and fights Brock Lesnar. Again.

Winner: Randall Keith Orton. Bet the house on it.

– Ryan