For those of you who don’t know, Olivia Culpo is Rhode Island native (hey now!), current model, actress, restaurateur and former 2012 miss USA winner. She’s also currently dating New England Patriot Danny Amendola, because beautiful people need to stick together. Olivia recently reached 2 million followers, and celebrated how anyone would: with a lot of balloons.
View this post on Instagram
THANK YOU TO THE TWO MILLION OF ALL OF YOU! I love getting to share so much with you, you make me smile every single day. Nothing makes me happier than interacting with you all whether it's through posts, pictures, comments, or even in person (when we're lucky 😉) Also thank you to my amazing team for ACTUALLY blowing up each of these 10000000 helium balloons. You guys make everything so much more fun ❤️❤️❤️❤️ @nikkibohannon @zoewrubs @carolinecarter8
Isn’t that lovely. Kind of sucks for her team because blowing up 10,000,000 balloons sounds awful. Beyond awful. While most of her fans were also in the celebratory mood, one creature from the depths of Instagram hell emerged to spoil the party:
I didn’t just include @me81093418470’s comment in that picture, but if you can’t distinguish the insane from the not insane we have bigger problems here. I’m always tempted to dissect these comments, but I know that’s a losing battle. I really can’t figure this one out though. “Look at me while you take your bra off” is insane on it’s own, but when you add all those extra exclamation points it enters into the danger zone. It’s so oddly specific too. The eye contact request is what really worries me, although if I’m being honest, this person existing on planet Earth is the most worrying thing of all.
Hey Olivia, if you’re reading, I apologize on behalf of the human race.
The best (or worst) thing about this is how casual it all seems. James Franco is advertising t-shirts with his name on it and then BAM, a ‘can I s your d’ comment just coming right out of left field. I don’t hate it, it was just unexpected, and it just seems like it was done so calmly. No exclamation point, no question mark, which means it was more of a statement than a question. This person wasn’t really asking, they were letting James Franco know what’s going to happen later whether he likes it or not. As a normal person, you don’t have people commenting on your pictures telling you that they’re going to suck your dick, so I don’t know how I’d feel about this. At first I’m sure it’s flattering, but after awhile I’m sure the people telling you that aren’t the kind of people you want near your dick.
This isn’t insane as much as it’s hysterical. Yesterday Beyoncé took over Instagram and started posting pictures of her U.N. mission/visit to Haiti. Beyoncé and Jay-Z do a lot of humanitarian work all over the world, and for the most part use their celebrity to help and promote good causes. While that’s a general known fact, one Instagram commenter still had to be reassured that her good deeds were actual good deeds. @Tiffany_leeann7 might know something we don’t, or she could be a few cards short of a full deck. While I doubt Beyoncé flew all the way to Haiti just to take pictures, I guess you never know. We live in a cynical society, and Tiffany Leeann just wants to make sure our beloved celebrities aren’t fronting on Instagram. If it comes out that Beyoncé is just an evil picture taker, we know who to thank for it.
The Rock goes out of his way, more so than any other celebrity I can think of, to be nice and accommodating to his fans. He’s always mentioning his fans on Instagram or taking pictures with people who idolize him at the gym, but I think even The Rock would have a hard time answering @bae_unknown_. It seems like this Instagram commenter had more to say but decided to just end his thought mid sentence. This isn’t the most outrageous comment we’ve seen by a long shot, but it is kind of insane. If you’re going to take the time comment on someone’s Instagram, at least have it make a little sense. The Rock is such a genuine guy he’d probably take you out for steak and tequila if you could form a coherent sentence. Until then, keep asking questions without question marks.
Porn stars are probably the easiest targets on Instagram, since most of the people who follow them are bloodthirsty horn dogs. So even when they post a picture as innocent as a couple takeout containers full of burgers and fries, the comment section is locked and loaded with some depraved comments. The only silver lining here is that porn stars HAVE to hear and see some really disturbing comments, so this is probably a welcome request to Abella Anderson. In the grand scheme of things, getting asked to have someone eat fast food off your ass really isn’t that bad. If you’ve ever scrolled through the comments on PornHub videos or any porn stars Twitter/Instagram you’ll realize that this request is as normal as apple pie, which is probably another thing @gooodlivin would like to eat off of Abella’s ass. Just another day in the life of a porn star.
McKayla Maroney coming in white hot with a hat selfie and just like that everything is ruined. I think I could’ve accepted some complimentary ass comments. She’s young but hey you post pictures on Instagram you open yourself up to the wrath of the comments section. What I can’t take, however, are peeing and pooping references. I dont know if this approach has worked in the past for gheatley, but I can’t imagine telling girls that “his face is their toilet” has worked out for him so far. Just seems like an extreme stance to take. Also, the heart eyes smiley just makes it creepier. Maybe go buy a horse and live in the woods for awhile and think about what you say.
Nothing like a subtle penis joke to end 2014 on a high note. _losing_control seems like an appropriate name for this guy, because he’s clearly losing control of his own mind. Look, I like a solid penis joke as much as the next guy, but I think subtlety is the key here. Also, once you cross the penis threshold and land in boner territory, all bets are off. Nobody on the internet needs to know that staring at Renee Young’s kneecap and boot gives _losing_control a boner. No one on Earth needs to know that. I’m just glad we got to feature one of my favorite people on Instagram before 2014 came to a close. Renee Young, welcome to the party.
P.S. Honorable mention to cwilkins91210 for playing the “also she’s pretty” card. You dog, you.