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We’re Doomed: Taking A Selfie Has Claimed More Lives Than Shark Attacks This Year

OH – The Great White shark used to be one of the most effective killing machines on the planet — or so we thought. Nowadays, the act of taking a selfie is proving far deadlier.

Just a year after the word was added to the dictionary, the selfie is claiming more lives than shark attacks, according to a report by Condé Nast Traveler.

There have been dozens of deaths related to tourists taking selfies, according to Condé Nast research, compared with just eight confirmed shark-related deaths this year through August. And that’s just the widely reported cases involving tourism — there are likely far more non-tourist-specific cases, such as people taking selfies and Snapchat videos while behind the wheel of a car.

shaking head

You know what’s not a good sign for the future of the human race? Finding out that more people dies taking selfies than getting eaten by sharks. I still think getting eaten by a shark is dumb. Sharks live in the water, humans don’t. You’re going to lose that battle every time. With that said, getting eaten by a shark makes a lot more sense than dying while taking a selfie. What happened to just taking a picture of something? I know it’s cooler if you’re in the picture, but what’s cooler: dying or not dying? I’m going to go with not dying. How about we start taking pictures of things and stop stuffing our fat faces into pictures and risking death. Either that or we need to start throwing people who can’t swim into shark infested water so we can flip flop this statistic and it starts making sense.

-Ryan

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I Discovered Baby Goats Screaming Videos on YouTube and Now I Don’t Ever Want to Do Anything Else But Watch Them

Are other people aware that baby goats scream like humans? I have to think they’re not because I would hope someone would have brought this to my attention if they were aware of this phenomenon. I was shown this video last night and now all I want to do is watch videos of baby goats scream like human beings. I was 99% of the way to calling out of work and just eating sunflower seeds all day and watching these videos. That’s my new life goal: be a baby goat aficionado. Dream big, Ryan. Dream big.

– Ryan

Grab Your Pitch Forks and Melt Your Butter: When Humans Fall, Lobsters Will Inherit The Earth

“As best scientists can tell, lobsters age so gracefully they show no measurable signs of aging: no loss of appetite, no change in metabolism, no loss of reproductive urge or ability, no decline in strength or health. Lobsters, when they die, seem to die from external causes.” – NPR

Here is what I know to be true: The sky is blue, grass is green, Norah Jones is an American treasure, and Lobsters will take over planet Earth.  I was recently scanning NPR, as I do almost never, and I came across an article that caught my eye.  It was a interview between, NPR reporter, Robert Krulwich and Boston University Professor and Biologist, Jelle Atema.  Listen to the whole interview here.  The gist of the article, and the major point I took from it, is that Lobsters CANNOT DIE.  They show no measurable signs of aging, loss of appetite, and most importantly…reproducing.  These lobsters are fuckin’ well into there 200’s.  Professor Atema suggests that the only times we see lobsters die are external causes*.

I don’t know about you but this worries me, this worries me a lot.  Imagine what thousands of years of being hunted and eaten will do to you? They have to be pissed.  What if for all the time they’ve been on this Earth they have developing breathing apparatus’s to help them survive on land?  What if they want to be caught and they sacrifice millions of their own kind a year to lobster pots and Legal Seafoods in the name of lobster science!  This frightens me, and it should frighten you too.

Here is my plan and I urge all of you to follow.

2969902958_96b0cd1068_z We must dress as the lobster.  Then, and only then, will we avoid what is coming to us. -Mattyv

P.S. For all those people on the cockroach bandwagon, I will take my 22 pound lobster against an army of roaches any day of the week and twice on Thursday.

*When I am  mercilessly stuffing my face with these tasty critters

UPDATE: I just received a BBC article from Seanlite highlighting how “A strain of cockroaches in Europe has evolved to outsmart the sugar traps used to eradicate them.” Wonderful…we are all fucked.

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