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Hey Science: You Suck [The Doctah Is In]

 – Scientists have designed a machine that they say can help women achieve orgasm at the push of a button.

The device, which is a little smaller than a pack of cigarettes, uses electrodes attached to the patient’s spine to trigger an orgasm via remote control. Doctors think it could help women who are unable to achieve orgasm by other means.

it is TRULY OVER.

That’s a sad face above if you didn’t see.  Yes, a sad face.  Why?.

They took it away.  The power.  Science is trying to take the power away. What power am I speaking of? In the words of Huey Lewis, I’m talking about the power of love. Science is essentially trying to reprogram love.

Love is intimacy, and passion.  If females can zap themselves to orgasm quicker than the speed of light, what truly is left to life? That removes the intimacy part.  Leaving just passion?  I don’t know if life could thrive without passion. Is this the females way of getting back at us?  They basically said “oh yeah, well if you can do it in a minute, we can do it in a second, ASSHOLE.” Well I’ll just say it, because well, I’m that much of an asshole.

Our true reason to exist would not be to chase and procreate, but only to solely procreate. This could cause massive porn addictions, inadvertent auto asphyxiation suicides, or reluctant sexual experiences with the same sex to release yourself.  These actions may cause loneliness, death, or regret.

Just an aside, if your going to have a massive porn addiction, please visit SmilefortheCum.com, for all your pornographic viewing needs.

Carry on with your day.

– The Doctah

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Robbing Banks 101: Don’t Search “What Happens If You Rob a Bank”

(Source) “If you’re going to use the Internet as a bank-robbing how-to guide, it’s probably a good idea to delete your search history.

That may be the nail in the coffin for one accused bank robber, who police said looked for tips by searching, “What happens if you rob a bank” and “If you’re going to rob a bank,” prior to the robbery. (We’re going to assume “clear browsing data” was not one of those tips.)

Authorities in Massachusetts recently made three arrests following a robbery at the Weymouth Bank in South Weymouth Friday morning. Shortly before 11 a.m., a woman, who did not furnish a weapon, reportedly entered the bank and demanded money. She made off with an unspecified amount of cash after instructing the bank teller to not give her a dye pack (an exploding device that leaves a permanent mark on cash).

According to The Patriot Ledger, the suspect was identified from bank security footage after officers in the narcotics division recognized her as the subject of an ongoing heroin distribution investigation. Witnesses also told police the female suspect was with a male prior to the robbery.

Officers arrived at the property that was under investigation in the drug distribution case and took 27-year-old Sarah J. McLoud and Robert W. Owens, 28, into custody Friday afternoon. During a search of the Torrey Street residence, police said they found clothing worn during the bank robbery, cash stolen during the theft and a suspicious search history.

“A computer in the room showed recent searches including: What happens if you rob a bank, What happens if you rob a house, What happens if you rob a drug dealer, and If you’re going to rob a bank,” the Weymouth Police Department wrote in a statement on its Facebook page along with a photo of the three suspects.”

bank robber

The saying “not the brightest bulbs” gives these three way too much credit. If your first step in the process of robbing a bank is to Google “if you’re robbing a bank…” you should probably find another hobby. Google is a wonderful thing, especially for movie quotes and song lyrics, but I wouldn’t rely on it to help me rob a bank. Also, if you’re ever a suspect in an ongoing heroin distribution case, maybe lay low for awhile. It’s probably best to stay out off security cameras that are used primarily when a bank is robbed. Last but no least, if you rob a house, bank or drug dealer, you’re probably going to jail. Didn’t really need Google for that one.

– Ryan

 

Martell Davis Makes Pimpin’ Look Easy

“Martell Davis faces sex trafficking charges. He makes catchin’ pimps look easy. Martell Davis, 34, was clad in a t-shirt that read “I make pimpin’ look easy” when he was arrested in late July and charged with sex trafficking, according to federal court filings published this week by The Smoking Gun. Davis’ arrest was the result of an undercover operation by San Diego vice cops. A detective responded to an online prostitution ad and set up an $80 “date” for July 26 at a Best Western hotel. According to the report, a 17-year-old girl was waiting and officers promptly arrested her for prostitution. They then confiscated her phone and used it to text Davis, who they believed was her pimp. Posing as the girl, an officer asked how much to charge for anal sex, and Davis allegedly responded, “Oh sh*t make him break the bank babe,” and suggested at least $200. They texted back and forth for a while, and Davis agreed to pick the teen up later that night. When he showed up, cops arrested him and charged him with sex trafficking of a minor. Cops say Davis told them he did not know the prostitute was a minor, claiming just “just helping [her] out” and that he acted as “protection” for her.” – Huff Post

Martell Davis

Maybe not the brightest move. But Martell Davis needs to let the good people of San Diego how good he is at his job. In this case, that job happens to be illegal. Would we be ridiculing a librarian who walked around with a shirt that said “I Make Renting Books Look Easy”, or a firefighter with a shirt that said “I Make Spraying My Hose Look Easy”? I guess the latter suggestion is kind of inappropriate, but you get my point. Don’t hate Martell Davis, hate the pimp game for making it so damn easy for him.

– Ryan

 

I’m Gonna Need These Picnic Pants ASAP

image

Are you shitting me? This is pure brilliance. No more towels. No more stupid blankets. Granted I don’t go on many picnics, but if you’re only using these pants on picnics you’re wasting it’s potential. Going to the movies? Let me put on my picnic pants and go to town on some popcorn. Spontaneous snack time? Picnic pants turning friends into jealous zealots. I need these.picnic pants and I will have these picnic pants. End of story.

– Ryan

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