December 31st. The day everyone says “tomorrow will be different”. Well we no better; tomorrow will be the same thing. The only difference between tonight and tomorrow is tonight we’ll be drinking beer and tomorrow we’ll be drinking mimosas. But for all you dreamers out there who really want to believe that the new year signifies bigger and better things, we’re not here to rain on your parade. Nobody likes a rainy parade, and we understand that. After all, we’re the Average Nobodies; we’re just like you. In the spirit of New Years Eve, we each came up with a New Years Resolution, something we hope to improve upon in 2015. Happy New Year!
Drink More Pickle Juice
Last weekend I had a pickle back shot: a shot of Jameson with a pickle juice chaser, and I think it changed my life. I’m not much of a whiskey drinker, but with a pickle juice chaser, the taste of Jameson was immediately out of my mouth and I was ready to roll. I sang a kick ass version of ‘Let’s Get It On’ on karaoke and the world was mine after that. Plus, according to Medical Daily, pickle juice is a hangover cure, it rebuilds electrolytes post workout, it’s a PMS remedy and it’s great for heartburn relief (3 out of 4 isn’t bad). In Ryan’s world, 2015 will be known as the year of the pickle.
Do More Cartwheels
Everyone talking about “LESS” this time of year; “I will eat less candy”, “I will swear less”, I will push less people out of moving cars”…etc. BUT, my new years resolution is to do MORE. More of what? More cartwheels. I have never been described as “agile” or “swift”, but once I get that first hand to the pavement you might think I’ve been doing gymnastics my whole life. Cartwheels have always been a passion of mine, but I have spent a lifetime hiding them from the world. Gender inequality, pure embarrassment, broken furniture? Call it how you see it, but the only person stopping me from cartwheeling is myself, but NO MORE! 2015 will be the year of the cartwheel.
Brandon Marshall Just Gained a New Fan And I Pledge Not to Draft Him in Fantasy So His Career Doesn’t End Horribly
3 year 30 million dollar extension. 1,000,000 million dollar pledge to The Mental health Community.… http://t.co/t5HFNZKIYl
— Machine Marshall (@BMarshall) May 19, 2014
Good for you, Brandon Marshall. Genuine good guy move right here, and I’m so impressed by this that I vow not to draft him in fantasy football this year. Two things happen to players I draft: they get hurt, or they suck so bad you kind of wished they were hurt. I won’t put that hex on you, Brandon. You’re welcome.
Way to make me feel like a complete ass Scott. Yesterday I read that Jamarcus Russel has dropped 50 lbs and is expecting a call from an NFL team because of it, today I find you on the internet pumping iron and dominating the gym all the while being diagnosed with cerebral palsy as a young child, officially completing my self-confidence meltdown. Now my excuses “it’s raining outside so I can’t go for a jog”, or “I didn’t get enough sleep last night so an early morning gym session is out of the question” just flew out the window, all because of you. Really appreciate it buddy. Single handedly destroying my self confidence and raising everyone’s expectations of me!
In all seriousness though, Mr. Belkner, you inspire the shit outta me. You make me want to bench until I get to sore to wipe my own ass. Keep doing you.