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Richard Branson, Please Revoke Bieber’s Space Ticket!

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Does this look the the type of person you want to fly in your spaceship? NO. The answer, Mr. Branson, is NO. This kid has been all over the news lately. Banging Brazilian whores, punching DJ’s in the face, and even having his security detail carry him around the Great Wall. Is this the type of person you want representing your company on Virgin Galactic? Consider me for the spot on the shuttle and I will make you proud. Here’s a quick recap of my credentials.

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  • Bay saver
  • Class president
  • Blogger
  • Amateur comedian
  • Black belt
  • Professional fake wrestler
  • Movie quoter
  • Well-dressed (not in this picture, but i do own a suit)
  • I can shotgun a beer in <2 seconds

If that doesn’t scream “get this kid into space”, then I don’t know what does.

-MattyV

Great Place to Meet Your Soul Mate – Westboro Mingle

From what I see this is far and away the best online dating site. Log on and find some psychopath to spend the rest of your life with, sounds amazing.

-MattyV

The Spinning Beach Ball of Death

When I see this…

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…I feel like this

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-MattyV

Dentist Appointments are Hell on Earth

I had a dentist appointment this morning. It’s something that I have dreaded since my last appointment 6 months ago. First thing I did today was brush my teeth like a madman, trying to make up for nearly a half-year of semi-poor oral hygiene.  Listen, i’m not saying that I don’t brush my teeth regularly, all i’m saying is sometimes I rinse out with Listerine and call it a brush job.

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You walk into the waiting room at 7am, because apparently “ass crack of dawn” is the only appointments they take, and it looks like a holding tank at a Charlie Daniels concert.

beetlejuice-waiting-roomaka the waiting room from BeetleJuice

Everyone looks as miserable as you are to be there. You sit and wait for an hour, because why? Because fuck having an appointment, thats why. They are better off implementing a deli counter system for the dentist office. Take a number, take a seat, and rot away reading 2 year-old Highlights Magazines.

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Finally, you get in to have your teeth cleaned. Actually, i’m not even sure you can call it a “cleaning”, it’s more like torture for your gums. The hygienist uses these primitive tools that look like something Dr. Frankenstein would use to create his next monster.  Just jagged-ass metal spikes that get shoved around your mouth all willy-nilly.  Then she has the nerve to lecture you on how “I don’t floss enough”.  Listen lady, I pay my dental insurance for this torture twice-a-year, you and me both know i’m not going to start flossing at 24. So save your breath and get back to tearing up my mouth.

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If leaving the dentist battered and bruised isn’t shitty enough I just remembered I will be back in 6 months to do it again.

-MattyV

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