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It’s Officially Impossible To Parody The US Government

When Donald Trump was elected President, I knew there were going to be a lot of changes. Before Trump, even if you didn't like or agree with the President, you respected the office and the fact that he was the most powerful man in the free world. That is no longer the case. When Trump goes to Twitter before notifying his Secretary of Defense or the Pentagon about his new ban on transgender people serving in the military, it sparks reactions like that of the Governor of Nevada, who said he won't make changes to the National Guard unless instructed to do so by the Secretary of Defense. In other words, what the President says doesn't matter.

To people like me and you, the President's words haven't mattered since January. But for other elected officials to basically say "this guy is nuts, I'll wait to hear from a sane voice" is pretty crazy when you're talking about the POTUS.

Because we now live in a dystopian, idiotic world, the President's transgender tweet barely stayed in the news cycle for 48 hours. A lot of that has to do with healthcare, which as of early this morning, is still unchanged. But what I'm choosing to focus on is the White House's new communication director, Anthony 'The Mooch' Scaramucci. The New Yorker ran a piece yesterday on him where he talked ON THE RECORD about a whole host of things, and it's beyond parody. Here are some excerpts:

 Scaramucci, who initiated the call, did not ask for the conversation to be off the record or on background.

Always a good sign when the communications director doesn't know how to speak to the press off the record.

“They’ll all be fired by me,” he said. “I fired one guy the other day. I have three to four people I’ll fire tomorrow. I’ll get to the person who leaked that to you. Reince Priebus—if you want to leak something—he’ll be asked to resign very shortly.” The issue, he said, was that he believed Priebus had been worried about the dinner because he hadn’t been invited. “Reince is a fucking paranoid schizophrenic, a paranoiac,” Scaramucci said. He channeled Priebus as he spoke: “ ‘Oh, Bill Shine is coming in. Let me leak the fucking thing and see if I can cock-block these people the way I cock-blocked Scaramucci for six months.’ ” (Priebus did not respond to a request for comment.)

If those aren't the words of a level headed guy then I don't know what is. Always an uplifting sign when the new guy in the White House threatens to fire literally everyone over something he can't prove. This is also foreshadowing the rest of the conversation, as we see The Mooch has an affinity to saying the word 'cock'.

Scaramucci also told me that, unlike other senior officials, he had no interest in media attention. “I’m not Steve Bannon, I’m not trying to suck my own cock,” he said, speaking of Trump’s chief strategist. “I’m not trying to build my own brand off the fucking strength of the President. I’m here to serve the country.” (Bannon declined to comment.)

BINGO! So much to dissect in that statement. Comparing wanting media attention to sucking your own cock, inferring that since he doesn't suck his own cock, he's here to serve the country, and my personal favorite 'Bannon declined to comment'. Oh you don't say? He didn't want to comment on the statement from the White House communications director that says he sucks his own cock? Shocking! This is all extremely disheartening, but at least we'll always have this tweet:

https://twitter.com/wyatt_privilege/status/890702212858511361

The article goes on and on and on, and while Scaramucci might not like to suck his own cock, he sure likes to hear himself talk. This is the world we live in, folks, and these are the people in charge of our country. Happy Friday?

-Ryan

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Donald Trump Believes He Coined The Phrase ‘Prime The Pump’

My favorite part about this story is that I truly believe Trump thinks he created this phrase. He definitely heard it on TV or possibly overheard a conversation between smart people and decided that he’ll tell everyone it was an original phrase. The only problem with that is almost everyone who has or will interview/write about Trump is going to be smarter than him, so he’s immediately corrected. Don’t want to take my word for it?

That is cold as ice. Not even mentioning Trump by name yet everyone knows what they’re referencing. And while I’ll be the first to admit I’ve never heard of the phrase, I’m also not the POTUS trying to sneak it into conversation about tax plans. Merriam-Webster 1 Trump 0.

-Ryan

4 Reasons Why Ron Swanson is the Best Mentor We’ve Ever Had

1. The Ron Swanson Pyramid of Greatness

– Every great man needs a pyramid of greatness. Unwritten rule of life. This is how boys become men, and men become heroes. Ever heard of a hero drinking skim milk? Neither have I.

2. Eat Like a Champion, Live Like a Champion

– Steaks, eggs, bacon. If you can’t succeed on that diet, maybe you’re not cut out for life in the fast lane. I know for a fact that if I only ate steak, bacon and eggs during my childhood I’d be a professional athlete. Or dead. Either way, Ron Swanson is right.

3. The Power of the Mustache

– Behind every mediocre man, you’ll find a great man with a mustache. Teddy Roosevelt, Martin Luther King, Jr, Tom Selleck, Freddie Mercury, Ron Swanson. All American heroes. All hall of fame mustaches.

4. The Best Government is No Government At All

– I’m not saying the government shutdown wouldn’t have happened if Ron Swanson was in charge, but there’s a good chance it wouldn’t have happened. That’s the beauty of the pyramid of greatness: it’s useful in ever facet of life, including the government. Combine that with his eating habits and panty dropping mustache, and you have the greatest mentor in the history of the world.

– Ryan

Shit Just Got Real: Government Shutdown Means No New Craft Beer

(Source) “The federal government shutdown could leave America’s craft brewers with a serious hangover.

Stores will still offer plenty of suds. But the shutdown has closed an obscure agency that quietly approves new breweries, recipes and labels, which could create huge delays throughout the rapidly growing craft industry, whose customers expect a constant supply of inventive and seasonal beers.

Mike Brenner is trying to open a craft brewery in Milwaukee by December. His application to include a tasting room is now on hold, as are his plans to file paperwork for four labels over the next few weeks. He expects to lose about $8,000 for every month his opening is delayed.”

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You see that quote above me? That’s a quote from one of the founding fathers of these here United States. Now if politicians want to make everyone angry and depressed and shut down the government that’s fine. How do Americans cope with anger and depression? We drink beer. Now you’re trying to tell me these same politicians are trying to take away our beer? Now you’ve gone and messed around with the wrong portion of the population. Shutting down the national parks? Fine, most national parks employees are 100 years old. Shutting down the chemical safety and hazard investigation board? Kind of disturbing but fine, we’ll deal with it. But when you mess with beer, you’re dealing with a lot of unstable people, including myself. Drinking beer keeps our dreams alive. Maybe we didn’t become professional athletes, or race car drivers or astronauts. But we wake up everyday and go to work, then we come home, buy some beer and keep the economy moving forward. You take people like me and Matt out of the equation and society itself will crumble. Shut down the government. Shut up the government. I could care less. Just keep your greasy paws off my beer.

– Ryan

In Defense of American Adults

WASHINGTON (AP) – It’s long been known that America’s school kids haven’t measured well compared with international peers. Now, there’s a new twist: Adults don’t either.

In math, reading and problem-solving using technology – all skills considered critical for global competitiveness and economic strength – American adults scored below the international average on a global test, according to results released Tuesday.

Adults in Japan, Canada, Australia, Finland and multiple other countries scored significantly higher than the United States in all three areas on the test. Beyond basic reading and math, respondents were tested on activities such as calculating mileage reimbursement due to a salesman, sorting email and comparing food expiration dates on grocery store tags.

Not only did Americans score poorly compared to many international competitors, the findings reinforced just how large the gap is between the nation’s high- and low-skilled workers and how hard it is to move ahead when your parents haven’t.

In both reading and math, for example, those with college-educated parents did better than those whose parents did not complete high school.

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Well suck me sideways. So calculating mileage reimbursements due to a salesman, sorting email and comparing food expiration dates on grocery store tags are all strong indicators of how smart a country’s citizens are? Count me as mentally retarded then. I mean I can sort email with the best of them, but in my 25 years on this Earth I don’t think I’ve ever compared expiration dates on grocery store tags. If I’m being completely honest, I’m not even sure what that means. If the day your in the supermarket is after the date the product expires, you don’t buy it. Seems pretty simple. Didn’t know we had to have a standardized test about it to see who was better at reading a date on a plastic bag. I went to school for 17 years. I have a bachelors degree. Did I have trouble helping my cousin in high school with her homework at Easter this year? Yes, yes I did. The point is once your done with school and get that full time job, basic stuff like addition and who won World War 2 just float out of your memory. Give us Americans a break. Our economy sucks, our government shut down and most if not all of our pets heads are falling off. The only test I’m interested in taking is how much beer can Ryan drink before he falls over.

– Ryan

The Government Knows What You Had For Dinner? And You’re Mad?

You don’t Fucking say?

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To start off, this post isn’t directed at everyone. You know who you are.

The hot button issue over that last month has been the fact that the government snoops into your hard drive.  Now everyone has gotten there collective panties in a bunch over that fact that the government is looking at pictures of your dog.  Me personally? I couldn’t care less.  Oh what…is Obama looking at my search history full of porn and Hubble telescope pictures? Go for it dude, you look like you would enjoy both.  If you are on the internet you are giving up your “privacy” to anybody on the other end; including, SHOCKINGLY, the government.  I don’t care if you have all your privacy settings on and you keep your password locked in a box at the bottom of Lake Tahoe, someone is looking at your check-ins to Pink Berry. (You love frozen yogurt, admit it already.  No one is buying your “too cool” attitude.) Listen, you might think you’re hot shit, but if you believe for one minute the oval office is passing around your twitter feeds for pics of you in your bikini, you are a bigger idiot than I thought.  Clearly all this BS that is leaking is for protection, and for anyone who thinks different I can show you a boat to the North Pole.  There is no internet there so no one will spy on you…except for polar bears, those guys will tear your ass UP!  Me? I am going to continue to post: pictures of food, song lyrics, motivational quotes, dumb pictures of my dumb friends, and occasionally good blog posts. I have nothing to hide!  Obama, I know your reading right now so I am putting out a challenge to you, 1v1 only submissions and pinfalls.

Your move Pres.

-MattyV

P.S.  Don’t lie, you love that the government knows what you’re doing, you pervs!

P.S.S. If I die, someone please take a bat to my iMac.  My browser history would be too confusing to explain.

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