Blog Archives

The Patriots Brought In Actual Goats For Tom Brady’s 40th Birthday Practice

Tom Brady turns 40 today (and shares a birthday with my mother, the REAL G.O.AT.) and the Patriots celebrated the man who is almost always referred to as the G.O.A.T with some actual goats at practice today. After last year’s come from behind Super Bowl victory, it’s getting tougher and tougher to argue that Brady isn’t the G.O.A.T., and it’s getting to the point where if you rank him anywhere outside of the top 1 or 2 your opinion shouldn’t be trusted. Happy birthday to Tom Terrific, and if you’re looking for a great article to read about him on his birthday, check out this fantastic ESPN piece.

-Ryan

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A Kenyan Lawyer Wants To Marry Malia Obama & He’s Willing To Pay A Fortune (Not A Fortune)

OhA city lawyer has a special request for President Barack Obama. His dream is to marry one of Obama’s daughters, Malia, and is ready to pay 50 cows, 70 sheep and 30 goats as bride price. Speaking to The Nairobian, Kiprono, who hit the headlines when he moved to court seeking to have William Ruto sworn in as president when Uhuru travelled to The Hague for his ICC case, said he is ready to meet Obama to discuss the matter when the US president visits in July.

“I got interested in her in 2008. As a matter of fact, I haven’t dated anyone since and promise to be faithful to her. I have shared this with my family and they are willing to help me raise the bride price,” he said.  The young lawyer claims his love for Malia is real and not infatuation He claims Malia has Kenyan blood since his father Obama has Kenyan roots.

If you’re the President of the United States, you might have to consider this offer. I don’t know what Obama would do with this much livestock, but you still have to consider it. 50 cows, 70 sheep and 30 goats? This lawyer is going out of his way to impress the President and I hope Barack notices. I don’t know if this is how people pay for stuff in Nairobi, but sign me up. Want to buy a flat screen TV? 300 chickens. Want to buy a new car? 10 cheetahs and half a turtle. The people of Nairobi might be onto something, because as it stands America is pretty much printing money with nothing backing it. Why not get into the animal currency business? Seems lucrative. If cows, sheep and goats are a lawyers salary, I think I’d fit in pretty well there. Just no birds. Never any birds.

– Ryan

 

I Discovered Baby Goats Screaming Videos on YouTube and Now I Don’t Ever Want to Do Anything Else But Watch Them

Are other people aware that baby goats scream like humans? I have to think they’re not because I would hope someone would have brought this to my attention if they were aware of this phenomenon. I was shown this video last night and now all I want to do is watch videos of baby goats scream like human beings. I was 99% of the way to calling out of work and just eating sunflower seeds all day and watching these videos. That’s my new life goal: be a baby goat aficionado. Dream big, Ryan. Dream big.

– Ryan

Jose Canseco, Maybe The Answer is the Simplest of All.

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Classic. What’s the best way to avoid drowning? Don’t get in the fucking water. Hey Jose, i’m not sure what the hell is happening at your place, but is this really a question to pose on twitter? Like you’re ever going to get back a serious answer.

-MattyV

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