Blog Archives

Brandon “Butt Fumble” Moore Is Retiring

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“Brandon Moore has texted ESPN New York’s Rich Cimini to dispute the original report, saying that he is waiting for the right opportunity After testing the free agency waters and finding them unsuitable, former Jets offensive guard Brandon Moore is expected to retire after 10 seasons in the NFL, according to ESPN contributor Adam Caplan. Moore originally signed with the Jets in 2002 as an undrafted free agent and served as an anchor on the team’s offensive line for the next decade, starting 142 games, including a streak of 137 straight. Cap issues and the selection of guard Brian Winters in the 2013 draft prompted the Jets to part ways with Moore this offseason. Moore was pursued by and took visits to the Detroit Lions and Miami Dolphins, but did not reach an agreement with either. Reports suggested the 33-year-old was asking for starting player money and teams were unwilling to go that high. Despite his many accomplishments on the field over his 10 seasons, including a Pro Bowl selection in 2011, Moore is perhaps best known for his role in the 2012 Mark Sanchez “Buttfumble” incident. That’s him, No. 65, unintentionally demolishing his quarterback and creating a yet-unbroken streak on SportsCenter’s Worst of the Worst”. – sbnation.com

You were born Brandon Moore, but you’ll always be known as “butt fumble” to us. An ode to “butt fumble”:

You were a Jet, always on guard
Wearing green and white, battered and scarred
You protected Mark, as best as you could
Though your team was better off, with an old piece of wood
You wore number 65, a proud and strong man
Who was showered with love, from every Jets fan
Men ran behind you, coaches would cheer
As every D tackle, would cower in fear
Now it’s all over, retirement at last
We’ll never forget, that big beautiful ass.

Fly away sweet prince. Fly away and be free.

– Ryan

Fantasy Football Is Upon Us – 30 Days To The Draft

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Buy your magazines, print out your cheat sheets, select a clever team name, and batten down the hatches! Because that wonderful time of the year is upon us!  In less than a month I will be participating in, and running, my leagues fantasy draft.  The live draft is something I look forward to all year long.  We all get together, talk ungodly amounts of trash, select our teams, get drunk, and rosterbate over our teams.  It’s something I wouldn’t trade for anything on this Earth.  If you don’t play fantasy football, please do yourself a favor and join a league!

-MattyV

PS- I suggest ESPN for a fantasy football host.

9er’s Fan Al Needs To Pump His Brakes

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Guy likes to see homo’s naked. Nothing wrong with that. 9er’s fan Al just had to get this license plate. Good work Al. Maybe next time go with a bumper sticker.

– Ryan

P.S.

Thanks to Deadspin for the pic.

My Hockey Rant: An Objection to Berno’s “Completely Biased Opinion”

It’s the NHL playoffs, specifically the semi-finals in case you live under a rock. Every year around this time I have to constantly hear why hockey is the greatest sport, and the players are the toughest athletes, blah blah blah. My Facebook explodes with people who feel the need to defend hockey for whatever reason. If the players are so damn tough, let their play and their athletic ability speak for itself. By the way, the only people who chirp about hockey are ex-hockey players. It’s like playing the sport for so many years inflicts an intense inferiority complex that lasts a lifetime. Relax people, it’s a great sport, we get it! There are no other fans on Earth that bitch and moan about their sport not getting enough attention. If you think your sport isn’t getting enough attention place blame on the NHL execs; it’s not the sport, it’s the poor management of the league itself.
Before we start talking about who the toughest athletes in the world, let’s all just take a deep breath and say to ourselves, “What does it really matter?” I’m not going to sit here and take away from what Campbell did the other night. What he did was nothing short of incredible, through pain and agony he finished his shift. But let’s consider the circumstances. He broke his fibula, and important bone to say the least, but did it snap in half like Kevin Ware’s tibia, the weight bearing bone in the lower leg? I suppose he should’ve gotten up and limped around until the next whistle. All I’m saying is there’s instances of heroism in the face of injuries in every sport, but every hockey player in the world get’s a purple star if one player gets hurt, like they all endured it. Let’s give Campbell credit instead of everyone who’s ever picked up a hockey stick. Another question is “Was it a smart move?” What Campbell did was heroic, but if it were the middle of the season, we may be singing a different tune. I can hear the pundits, “He should’ve stayed down, he could’ve furthered his injury and missed more time of the season.” I’d like to refer to Exhibit A: RGIII playing with a torn up knee. As it is he’s only going to miss about 5 games (because the Bruins are going to sweep this and the next series).
If I had to choose the toughest athletes in sports I have to go with offensive and defensive linemen. The big guys, the trench men, they undergo anywhere from 45-60 snaps a game of head to head collisions that are equivalent to small car accidents every single time. Literally, the only stats that ever gets mentioned is snap count and starts, so if they endure less that 45 small car accidents a game, they’re considered below average.
And can we stop it with the whole “fighting is allowed” thing? It’s a penalty, you go to the box. That’s like saying tripping, slashing and high sticking is allowed. Fighting is allowed in football too, your team just gets a 15 yard penalty instead getting put in timeout. Now it’s smart to put your team a man down? Consider the potential for injury, punching someone in the face is a good way to get a boxer’s break, or a break in the fourth or fifth metacarpal, now you’ve just lowered your value to your team as well as your resign value. No wonder why hockey players get paid less, more chance of injury ; but hell, have your cake and eat it too! “Sean Lite, that’s why you have goons to go out there and pick fights with their best players.” To which I reply, “so your sacrificing on-ice talent in the hopes the other premier player loses his cool and swings back?” I don’t know, doesn’t seem like a sound strategy to me, not saying all hockey teams try to do this, but it’s the way it gets explained.
You must think I hate hockey, this is not the case, I thoroughly enjoy watching the sport. Personally it falls in third of my list of favorite spectator sports, just behind college basketball and just before Olympic curling (can’t wait). Yes, professional hockey players are tough while being very athletic and, let’s face it, graceful; as much as diehard hockey fans would hate that word. The sport doesn’t need saving, stop forcing athleticism and toughness down the casual fan’s throat; it’s not a good look.
End of Rant. Out of breath.

-Sean Lite-

P.S. Go Bruins.

Oh, What a Wonderful Time of the Year!

The sun’s out, birds are chirping, bears are murdering penguins, and we are 90 days away from the kickoff of the 2013 NFL season!  In case you use other units of measure: That’s 3 months, 2,160 hours, 129,600 minutes, 7,776,000 seconds, and 39.7392° N, 104.9842° W (Coordinates of Denver, CO, the opening game).  While i’m stoked (bringing back ‘Stoked’) for the all the teams to hit the field I am more excited for what that means for me and 9 of my friends; FANTASY FOOTBALL.  Now, while players are putting in their blood, sweat, and tears in OTA’s and mini camps, I, the commish of our league, am working tirelessly to get the league dusted off and firing on all cylinders.  Besides the beginning of head 2 head action, this is the most exciting time of fantasy football for these 3 reasons:

  1. Developing Team Names – Brainstorming fantasy team names is pretty much on my mind year-round.  It is the ultimate complement to a dominant team.  Lets face it, you’ve never seen “The Red Cucumbers” win fantasy gold; have you?  It’s the team names dripping in irony and double meanings that capture the hearts and jealousy of everyone in your league.  Some of my past names include: The California Cool Dollars, The Virginia Convicks, Corn on the Kolbs, and the Psychotic Penguins.  Some pretty awesome names, if i do say so myself (And I DO!).  But, this year, I have really outdone myself.  The team that will lead me to victory is……Attempted Murder!
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  2. Draft Strategies –  While, this is where the majority of my sleep deprivation comes from, I love cooking up a good draft strategy.  RB, RB, RB, QB? TE, RB, QB? K, K, K, D/ST? The possibilities are endless! While others will tell you your way is wrong, don’t listen, because you’re ALL wrong,’cept me.
  3. Trash Talking – Warm up those vocal cords and practice your typing, because this is the beginning of trash talking for fantasy football.  While the ASSHOLE (you know who you are) who won your league last year thinks his luck will carry over into this season, ada….HE…he is out of his mind.  It’s anyones game (even you John Lynch) and your smack talk should reflect that.

So log on, pick an name, and flaunt what the good lord gave you. It’s a beautiful time to be alive.

-MattyV

P.S. This is also sleeper season, keep those peepers open.

Is 60m Dollars for a High School Football Stadium Too Much?

The people of Allen, Texas have agreed to she’ll out 60 mil for a high school football stadium. Which begs the question, is 60 mil a reasonable amount of doll-hairs? The answer is absolutely not. In the words of Happy Gilmore “the price is wrong bitch!”

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The citizens are proud of their field because it is “the finest high school football facility in the country”. No shit, did you need 60 mil to accomplish that? My school’s field was a collection of lines in the dirt and some glorified benches to sit on. I guess there’s no denying it Allen, Texas has the best field in the country.

I just can’t stop thinking of everything a community could do with 60 mil. And none of them is build a ridiculous football stadium.

-Sean Lite-

P.S. What will the ticket prices be?

P.P.S. okay it’s kinda sweet…

Body slam touchdown! Football players to wrestlers

Don’t sleep on the WWE. Last week Hall of Famer Jim Ross met with the NFLPA concerning a potential deal that would see ex NFL players have the chance to join the sports entertainment company. This is a smart move for multiple reasons. The physical build of NFL athletes and WWE superstars are very similar. While I’m aware wrestling is fake, the mindset needed to excel in these fields are also very similar. Throw in the fact that many former football players, including The Rock, Ron Simmons and Bill Goldberg, have become household wrestling names, and you have a recipe for success. In case you didn’t know, the Average Nobodies are huge football and wrestling fans. Once we heard the news of a possible collaboration, we sprinted to the liquor store, grabbed personal 30s, and started to develop wrestling personas for former NFL greats. Imagine Barry Sanders as a high flying luchador, or Ryan Leaf as a former quarterback turned crackhead. The possibilites are endless! Without further ado, here are the 4 newest additions to the WWE roster:

Bill Romanowski Bill Romanowskia.k.a Cowboy Bill
a.k.a The Roman
a.k.a BillRo Baggins
This psychopath billed from outside of Dallas TX (really from CT) is an obvious heel. He’s been on numerous tag teams, all starting with success but ending when he unravels and explodes on his teammate, usually resulting in burying his partner by injury. He’s a former tag team champion, but now wants a go at singles championship gold. He takes aim at anyone in his sights, especially quarterbacks. The call him cowboy because of his outlaw ways, cheating to win and hurting people who get in his way. Watch out WWE there’s a new rebel in town and he wants everyone’s gold.
Style: Brawler/brute
Finishers:
Steroid Slam
Flying head stomp off the top turnbuckle
Texas Eye Gouge
Submission:
Crippler cross face
-Berno
Doug FlutieDoug Flutiea.k.a Dougie Flutes
a.k.a Flutie Pebbles
a.k.a Flutie Scrambles
a.k.a Underdog
a.k.a The Little Giant
a.k.a The Mist
Five foot- ten inches, weighing in at 180 bs. This retired QB is inch for inch, pound for pound the greatest arm to ever enter the WWE ring. An obvious face in the WWE universe, his biggest rival is Steve Young for the top spot as premier WWE QB as well as Kofi Kingston and of course autism and gun violoence.
Style:
Air it out/Aerial
Signature Moves:
The Beantown Beatdown
The Seven Step Drop
The Boston Massacre
Submission:
Drop Kick to Heisman Grapple

-Seanlite-

The Barber BrothersThe Barber Brothers

a.k.a The Billionaire Barber Brothers
a.k.a The Barbershop Duo
a.k.a The Brothers Grimm

Ronde and Tiki will hit the WWE tag team division by storm, taking out the likes of the Shield, Team Hell No, and the Wyatt Family. These brothers are no strangers to a fight, each specializing in offense (Tiki) and defense (Ronde). Not to mention they are filthy rich and now hold the million dollar belt. Which they renamed “The Billion Dollar Belt” after beating the shit out of Ted Dibiase Jr. One retiring from football extremely early, and the other staying in the game to steal roster spots from young hopefuls, shows that they are heels in every sense of the word.
Style: Tag Team
Finishers:
The Barber Beat Down
The 2B
The Barberline
Twins Tower Toss
Submissions: Double Arm Bar…ber -Matt

Steve Young
Steve Young
a.k.a. Johnny Utah
a.k.a. Lord Steven Young
a.k.a. The Brain Basher
I’m a lifelong 49er fan, so naturally I had to go with one of my favorite players, Steve Young. On the football field, Steve (yes we’re on a first name basis) was known primarily for his throwing accuracy as quarterback for one of the greatest sports dynasties in history. In the wrestling ring, the hard punching southpaw is going with a baby face (good guy) persona. As a wrestler, he re-adopts his given name and pays homage to his home state. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the world of Johnny Utah. Utah starts off as a fan favorite, living the Mormon lifestyle and defeating his opponents with a variety of movies, including the Salt Lake Splash and the Mormon Stretch. Just like Steve’s career, a concussion knocks him out of action, and the WWE Universe is left in stunned silence, not knowing if Johnny Utah will ever fight again. Unlike Steve’s career, Johnny Utah comes back as a sex crazed bad guy who blurs the line between scripted wrestling and reality. He is ultimately kicked out of the WWE for defaming America and having sex with every other wrestler’s mother. A sad end to a promising career.
Style: Technician Extraordinare
Finisher: The Salt Lake Splash
Submissions: The Mormon Stretch, The Figure Eight Leg-lock
Ryan
_The Average Nobodies_

Plaxico Buress has Been Planning to Take Over the Sock Business for Years!

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Look out Calvin Klein, the Plax is coming in hot with a line of socks that are going to absolutely burn the sock market to the ground! I’ve been wondering why Plax’s NFL production has been substantially lowered the last couple of years. Stupid me thought it was due to the self inflicted gunshot wound to the leg, or perhaps the sentence he served for carrying and discharging a weapon in a public place! How did I not see this coming?

“I’ve been planning my sock line from behind the scenes for a couple of years; nobody even knew I was doing it…So it’s a lot of hard work that got me to this point.”

He has spending years on this project, years! I bet you’re excited as I am, can’t wait to get my hands on the dozens of pairs of socks he’s spent the last few years working on. But, alas, we will be disappointed my friends. Plax has only designed four pairs. Just the four. Oh and here is the pair that Plax considers to be the “alpha dog”.

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“The Spot Runner” -oh I just got that…

Hot fire Plax! Bravo! Four years of straight ingenuity right there, would’ve taken me at least 5 and that’s if I had double,  DOUBLE the time to sew in a jail as Plaxy did.

His next victims will be the belt, cufflink and bowtie industries.  Fair warning.

-Sean Lite-