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I Just Signed Up For a Mini Triathlon – Time To Get Training

double-treadmill-fail

 

I’m not sure what I just got myself into. I just registered for a .5 mile swim, 10 mile bike, and 4 mile run, triathlon. To start off let me tell you that I am in no kind of shape to even WATCH a event like this. Last weekend when I was walking about NYC I needed to take a half hour break so I didn’t die.  I hope to change that over the course of the next few months and by august dominate* this event! I have experience biking and swimming so those pieces of the event will require the least amount of training for me. However, the running, even a meek 4 miles, is going to be a beast.

Here is how I see my run training going

Wish me some luck.

-Matt

Stay tuned for a before weigh-in/fit test.  That should be interesting.

*Finish without collapsing.

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Your Body is 90% Water [The Doctah Is In]

popeye

Popeye ate his spinach.  The Doctah ate his spirulina.

Green.

The color of money. The color of trees. The color of magic.

Well, yeah, I don’t know about the magic part, but let The Doctah edumacate ya.

In 1940, Popeye ate his spinach.  It had amazing effects.  Protein, yum.  Big muscles, plenty of ladies.  Olive oil, yes, Olive oil, stole his heart.

Do you understand the lingo?  The oil was the bread to his butter.  (Yes he owned both).

But.

That’s was in the 1940s.

There’s been a lot of informacion back then that tells us that green is still the way, but spinach, eh … its okay. (The Doctah can rhyme too)

Now, there are newer foods out there: spirulina and chlorella to be exact.

So what are spirulina and chlorella? Well they are sea algae.

Your next question should be, “Why the F*ck” would I eat sea algae?

Well that’s simple, young jedi.  Your body is made up of 90% water or 95% or some very high number like that.  So that means stuff from water, especially from the sea, will have a beneficial effect on your body.

The spirulina contains high quality protein as well as other high quality sources of variable nutrients for your body to consume.

Nutrients = Good.  Just in case you didn’t know.

The chlorella contains chloryphyl.  Chloryphyll is essential for plants to grow.  People do not generally think of themselves as plants, BUT, i’ll give it to you simply:  what does a plant do?  It grows.  What do people do?  Generally they grow.  Hmmm… molto interesante.

Now go on Amazon, and grab some hawaiin pacifica spirulina and some 1000mg chlorella.  If you got the cash, grab a 3 month supply.  Come see the Doctah in 3 months, and I dare ya to tell the Doctah you don’t feel better.

Disclaimer:  The Doctah does not try to cure you, you cure you.  He just shows you the way.

Stay sexy my Nobodies.

-The Doctah

The Rock’s Ex Wife/Business Manager is Frightening

Here’s a picture of Dany Garcia, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s ex-wife/business manager, during their marriage.

Pretty good looking lady. Not a knockout, but a solid 7 in my book. Here is Dany Garcia now

 

That photo is frightening. I don’t know why someone would undergo a transformation like this and I don’t care. Every inch of that photo gives me the sceevys. Does life honestly get any better for The Rock? He goes from being one of the best wrestlers of all-time to being a legit movie star, and apparently all those decisions pale in comparison to divorcing the woman beast known as Dany Garcia. I’ve wanted to be a wrestler my whole life, but if you made me choose between divorcing Dany and being a wrestler I’d divorce Dany every day of the week. I’m forever unclean for looking at this photo.

– Ryan

P.S. I thought it was a little weird that The Rock’s ex wife is now his business manager, and apparently she got re married to his strength and condition coach. Then I saw this picture. I’d let her do whatever she wants too.

I’m Ready For The Badwater Ultramarathon

“AdventureCORPS, Inc., an event production firm specializing in ultra-endurance and extreme sports events, hosts BADWATER® 135 annually in July of each year. Recognized globally as “the world’s toughest foot race,” this legendary event pits up to 100 of the world’s toughest athletes—runners, triathletes, adventure racers, and mountaineers—against one another and the elements. Covering 135 miles (217km) non-stop from Death Valley to Mt. Whitney, CA in temperatures up to 130F (55c), it is the most demanding and extreme running race offered anywhere on the planet. The 36th anniversary edition is July 15-17, 2013.” – badwater.com

Not bad. Little 135 mile race through Death Valley to get the blood flowing. Here’s the route these psychopath’s take:
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I got tired just trying to figure out where the beginning and end of the route was. Anytime you see the words “Death Valley” in the middle of your running route I think you should just pack up your things, go home and count it as a loss. According to the official website, one of the main symptoms participants experience is chronic back fatigue. You don’t say. You mean running 135 miles over 48 hours in 130 degree heat isn’t good for the back?

Here’s an example of the beautiful landscape the runner’s get to experience:
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Gorgeous right? Except the fact that you’re basically trying to complete a death march. You could project a velvet painting of a whale and a dolphin getting it on in the sky for the entire race and that still wouldn’t change the fact that I’m making the worst decision of my life.

To the legitimately insane people who complete, or even attempt this race: bravo. Give me a 48 hour heads up before you snap and start trying to rob liquor stores with rubber duckies.Because it’s going to happen.

– Ryan

P.S. This guy finished the ultramarathon with a prosthetic leg. Enjoy your hour of cardio on the treadmill this weekend you two legged freaks.

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If The Flo Doesn’t Whip My Ass Into Shape Then Nothing Will

Talk about the ultimate workout. Forget about P90X and Insanity. I think it’s time the world is reintroduced to The Flo. Literally the most grueling workout I’ve ever witnessed. I’m actually surprised YouTube even allows this video to exist, because it should be illegal to be allowed to get into this good of shape. The best thing about The Flo workout is that it also doubles as a do it yourself exercise. Just find any object that is able to hold water and swing it around your head continuously for hours. On a scale of 1-12 how insane are the people in this workout in real life? I say 104. No one in their right mind is volunteering for this video and actually believing that The Flo is going to work. Either way, I’m trying it out. As the saying goes, if The Flo can’t get you into shape, then you’re just a lazy piece of shit.

– Ryan

P.S. We shouldn’t wonder why so many people are obese when this and prancercising were actual workouts in the 90’s.

Scott Belkner is My Newest Arch Nemesis

Way to make me feel like a complete ass Scott. Yesterday I read that Jamarcus Russel has dropped 50 lbs and is expecting a call from an NFL team because of it, today I find you on the internet pumping iron and dominating the gym all the while being diagnosed with cerebral palsy as a young child, officially completing my self-confidence meltdown. Now my excuses “it’s raining outside so I can’t go for a jog”, or “I didn’t get enough sleep last night so an early morning gym session is out of the question” just flew out the window, all because of you. Really appreciate it buddy. Single handedly destroying my self confidence and raising everyone’s expectations of me!

In all seriousness though, Mr. Belkner, you inspire the shit outta me. You make me want to bench until I get to sore to wipe my own ass. Keep doing you.

-Sean Lite-

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