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Remind Me Never to Buy Marijuana in Florida

Fat Boy Deputies found marijuana nestled in the stomach chub of a 450-pound Florida man known as “Fat Boy.”

The drug-running suspect and his driver were pulled over near Osteen on Friday for not wearing a seat belt.

The big passenger, Christopher Mitchell, 42, told the Volusia County Sheriff’s Office deputy he was too fat to wear a seatbelt, arrest records show.

Mitchell goes by “Biggie” as well, according to the Florida Department of Corrections’ website.

But the two men appeared nervous and the deputy called in a drug-sniffing dog that immediately picked up on cocaine in the front seat and traces of marijuana.

The deputies searched Mitchell and fount 23 grams of marijuana hidden under his fat.

Police also found a handgun in the middle console and $7,000 in cash stuffed in a tube sock.


First things first: how heavy is this guy’s head? I’m gonna say 150 pounds. Secondly, of course. Of course Florida drug dealers hide their drugs in their stomach fat. I understand this guy was 450 pounds and was nicknamed “fat boy”, but 23 grams of marijuana is a decent amount of weed. It’s not like he had a gram or two under there. That is an excessive amount of fat storage. It also makes me question a lot of things. Do other drug dealers do this? Am I smoking belly fat weed? Because if I am then I’m going to be really depressed. Not even angry; just extremely upset. Florida is slowly killing everything I enjoy, and I’m powerless to stop it. Also, work on your nickname game, Florida. You don’t nickname a fat guy “fat boy”. It’s poor taste.

– Ryan

Gareth Edwards Just Put Japan on Notice for Calling Godzilla Fat

Screen Crush writer, Mike Sampson, had the chance to sit down with “Godzilla” director, Gareth Edwards. During the interview a question popped up about Godzilla’s weight, the answer was nothing short of fantastic.

Have you heard any of this “Fat Godzilla” stuff coming out of Japan?

“[Sighs] Yeah… I think it’s probably two people online. It’s comments like that that give giant monsters image complexes. Godzilla’s not fat, he’s big-boned. It’s comments like that that make monsters angry, so maybe Japan will be next.”


OH SHIT! I’m pretty sure Gareth just put the whole island of Japan on watch! How dare some Japanese bloggers call Godzilla fat! That is some hurtful shit. They better pray Gareth Edwards isn’t friends with the real Godzilla, because that would be bad for Japan.


Read More: ‘Godzilla’ Director Gareth Edwards on Fat Godzilla, the Iconic Roar and the Easter Egg You Definitely Missed |


Busta Rhymes is Apparently on the Ryan Diet

That video is kind of long because Pharrell decided to play every song he’s ever written last night, so for a good shot of the new and improved Busta Rhymes let’s go to our friends on Twitter:


Busta Rhymes has apparently adopted the Ryan diet. Eat calzones and meatballs for every meal and drink a 30 pack on the weekend. If it’s not a good look for me it’s definitely not a good look for Busta. The only other logical thing I can think of is Busta Rhymes exists in the Men in Black universe and this “new” Busta ate his former self and is now bent on world domination. That scenario actually sounds a lot better than my current diet.

– Ryan

P.S. Who’s that in the picture with Busta?? Drake, the man with the most friends in the entire fucking world

Jared “Hefty Lefty” Lorenzen is still at it!


It’s Shocking to me that Jared “Hefty Lefty” Lorenzen is still alive, never mind still playing Football. Jamarcus Russell should take notes on how to be 300+ pounds and still play football. Jared has it down to a science.


Not going to lie, he looks like how I would Imagine Rob Ford would look like if he had any coordination and played football.


With nicknames like: The Round Mound of Touchdown and The Pillsbury Throwboy, you have to play the game as long as you can. Awesome nicknames don’t grown on trees.


PS- His younger, more “fit” days.


How The Breaking Bad Violence vs. Hair Chart Relates To Fat George Zimmerman

The oatmeal created an awesome (and accurate) breaking bad chart that analyzes each character’s tendency for violence vs. how much hair they have. Since George Zimmerman can’t see to keep his fat head out of trouble, I decided to do a little analyzing of my own.

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Here’s George Zimmerman in 2005 after a domestic violence incident. Still not a choir boy, but the case was eventually thrown out. Also, notice Zimmerman has a full head of hair and he’s fat.

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Here’s George Zimmerman towards the end of the Trayvon Martin trial, and only a few months before his most recent domestic violence incident. He isn’t pure evil by any means, and he’s grown out his hair and somehow gotten fatter.

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Fresh off a murder George Zimmerman. That’s right, no hair, semi-skinny, and now he’s a murderer. Shot an unarmed kid. When George Zimmerman is fat with a full head of hair, he get’s into minor domestic disturbances. When George Zimmerman gets a buzz cut and loses weight, he turns into a murderer.

Moral of the story: whether you’re cooking meth to feed your family during a cancer battle or a member of the neighborhood watch, if you’re skinny with a shaved head and a goatee you’re a cold blooded murderer.

– Ryan

Is Your Favorite Football Team Making YOU Fat?


NFL fans hoping to keep slim and watch their figure might want to choose their loyalties carefully, because a recent study proclaims losing teams are making their fans fat.

Thanks, Browns.

The Chicago Tribune (h/t For the Win) spoke with Professor Pierre Chandon of theINSEAD business school on his recent study with doctoral student Yann Cornil that was published in the Psychological Science journal.

You may have heard of the freshman 15, which is the weight packed during a student’s first year in college. Well, Chandon would like you to meet the football 15.

Unfortunately, Chandon doesn’t quantify how much weight a fan might gain by following a losing team, merely that there is a very real propensity to eat horribly following losses during the season.

One day after a defeat, Americans eat 16 percent more saturated fat, and 10 percent more calories. But on the day after a victory of their favorite team, then it’s the opposite. They eat more healthily. They eat 9 percent less saturated fat, and 5 percent fewer calories. There was no effect in cities without a team or with a team that didn’t play.

When your team wins that big Sunday Night Football game, there is a skip in your step and a smile on your face. Sure, I’ll have a chicken salad for lunch!

Or so the theory goes.

When your team drops another game and the season inches toward the dumps, you drag your feet into work as a storm cloud hovers above your head. Looks like it’s a bacon double cheeseburger for lunch and chili fires. It’s not like any of this matters anyway. ~Bleacher Report

This literally explains EVERYTHING! Lets set the clocks back 12 years, The Buccaneers were in their prime and dominating the NFL.  In 2002 they won a Superbowl, and I was in the best shape of my life*. It was the greatest NFL years of my life (thus far). Then what happens? The Bucs trade Sapp and Lynch, a few years later they RELEASE Derrick Brooks, Mike Alstott retires, and I fall into a deep football depression. What came along with that?  Slowly getting out of shape. I totally get what this study is saying. When the Bucs win I feel like I could sprint a quarter-mile, when they loose, I feel like I could eat a Quarter-pounder. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not in the worst shape i’ve ever been in (The year Alstott retired was the worst) but for sure not the best. I feel a good season coming on for the Bucs and myself. I signed up at the gym and the Bucs signed Revis. (Coincidence? I don’t believe in such things) Who knows, by seasons end I could be dunking a basketball. (COULD)


* When i say “best shape of my life” I mean that I could walk up and down stairs without sweating and getting out of breath.

PS- I think fantasy football plays a huge roll in mental health. Which also explains a lot.

PSS- This past weekend I went up to beautiful Standish Maine. While there I did a little swimming and dock climbing. Here is a pic of me after up on the dock twice, and in my defense it was pretty tall**


**6 feet max

I’ve Found My New Favorite Website

This is literally the hardest choice I have to make on a daily basis. I’d love to just kick back and have a few beers every night, but I also don’t want to weigh 400 pounds. As far as working out goes, I’ll start and end with this: I have a free on site gym at work that’s been open for two months and I’ve gone there three times. Back to the greatest web site ever created. Get drunk not fat ranks every beer and liquor you can think of based on the amount of included alcohol versus calorie content.

ABV Alcohol % by Volume Calories Per Serving C.F.A. Calories From Alcohol Higher is better Carbs Per Serving Comments
Pure Ethanol Not a real drink, for comparison only 100% 238 calories per 1.5 oz Score: A+ 100.00% 0.00 7.1 Calories per gram ( Density = 0.789 g/cm3 Grams in one fluid oz = 28.3495 7.1 x 0.789 x 28.3495 = 158.81 cals per fl oz
Everclear 95% 226 calories per 1.5 oz Score: A+ 99.97% 0.00 Calorie info obtained directly from Luxco Spirits. 750ML for $12.99
Jose Cuervo Especial (Gold) 40% 96 calories per 1.5 oz Score: A+ 99.26% 0.00 Calorie info directly from a Jose Cuervo Consumer Representative $22.99 for 1.75L
Jose Cuervo Especial (Silver) 40% 96 calories per 1.5 oz Score: A+ 99.26% 0.00 Calorie info directly from a Jose Cuervo Consumer Representative $22.99 for 1.75L
Crown Royal – Special Reserve 40% 96 calories per 1.5 oz Score: A+ 99.26% 0.00 Obtained directly from $22.49 for 750ml
Gordons – Dry Gin 40% 96 calories per 1.5 oz Score: A+ 99.26% 0.00 Info directly from $14.99 per 1.75L at BevMo

Now my summer of Long Island Iced Tea’s seems like a bad idea. This is the ultimate borderline alcoholic lazy man’s dream website. Whoever made this, know you now have a new best friend.

To get the full tour, visit

– Ryan

Paula Deen Supporters Sending Angry Emails To The Wrong Channel Is Perfect

“Attention all those who love Paula Deen. We’ve been getting your emails. Your phone calls. We’re pretty sure the good old fashioned mail will soon follow. We get that you are mad about her contract not being renewed. The problem is, you are calling and writing the wrong people. Yes, we are The Food Channel. Have been since the 1980s, when we trademarked the name and used it for a newsletter, then a website. However, we are not The Food Network, the company that helped to make Paula Deen a household name. Nor are we The Cooking Channel. Both of those broadcast channels are owned by the Scripps Television Network. We are not owned by Scripps. We are independently owned. We do not have a full channel on TV, although we are experimenting with taking some of our shows to TV—but unless you live in select test markets, you aren’t seeing them just yet. We don’t carry programming created by Paula Deen, nor do we carry Rachael Ray, Bobby Flay, Robert Irvine, Tyler Florence, Ina Garten, Giada, or any of those celebrity chefs that everyone enjoys watching (including us!). So, the best we can do is point you to the Scripps Television Network snail mail address. And we can publish a few of your letters. You can find both at the bottom of this article. And, if Paula Deen is interested in helping to grow the real Food Channel into something that you all will watch, we are all ears. We want to take her apology seriously, and believe we can be part of helping her use this as a way to address such issues in the future, if she so desires. Tell her to contact us at” –


So this is who people are choosing to support. Gotta love racists. Just blindly spewing their beliefs if it means coming to the defense of a fellow racist. Not only are you publicly supporting a horrible human being, but you’re bashing a television network that doesn’t even carry Paula Deen’s programs. I just wish I could have been there when these people were typing up these emails. This is the moment you’re finally able to give corporate America a piece of your mind. Are you supporting an admitted racist? Sure, but its time THE MAN hears what you have to say. Oops, wrong network. Now you’re setting back our country 140 years both culturally and intellectually. If I had to pick one person to blindly support, it wouldn’t be a racist Southern belle who supports obesity in America. It would be Bill Paxton. Human stupidity is truly limitless.

– Ryan

P.S. I’m more upset that she’s a bad cook. That’s just how I roll.

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