The Average Nobodies aren’t your average (get it) one trick pony’s. We can do TWO tricks. Right now, we’re in the midst of re-releasing all of our old videos from our web series ‘Drinking with Class’, and we figured we might as well share some of these bad boys while we’re at it. In this episode, we explain what goes into making a classy evening. If you’re looking to take someone out on the town, maybe don’t use these tips.
Wade Boggs, hall of fame baseball player, American hero and Always Sunny guest star was interviewed by TMZ Sports about his legendary beer drinking habits. While he’s obviously joking around in this video, it did get me thinking: is it possible to drink 100 beers in a day? Say you wake up at 5am and drink for 18 hours ending at 11pm. You’d have to, on average, drink 5 and half beers an hour. For the first few hours that’s easy peezy. After that though, you’d probably die, which would hinder your ability to continue drinking. Although if Boggs’ theory of letting the beer flow into his hollow leg is correct, I bet Officer Bennett from OITNB would be a hell of a dodge beer player.
Technical difficulties is delaying Twitter News Weekly until early next week, so in lieu of that, we’ve got a very special treat for you. Before we became Average Nobodies, we had a weekly web series called Drinking with Class, and the episode below was our Memorial Day Special. Enjoy the video, and have a great weekend everybody.
– The Average Nobodies
Booo – “If you didn’t already know, Cinco de Mayo is a bigger deal in the United States than in Mexico. Here, this unofficial holiday is almost as popular as, oh, St. Patrick’s Day — which means it’s unfortunately become a drinking holiday. So much so that it’s been nicknamed, Cinco de Drinko and even Gringo de Mayo.
Actually today commemorates Mexico’s victory against the French during the Battle of Puebla in 1862, and according to research by UCLA professor David Hayes-Bautista, it isn’t a Mexican holiday at all but rather an American one created by Latinos in California during the Civil War.
In a perfect world, folks would use today as an opportunity to learn more about Mexican history and culture, but the sea of margarita and nacho specials might be too distracting for some. So, in the spirit of not completely raining on everyone’s parade, we’ve compiled a list of Cinco de Mayo faux pas to avoid so as not to offend others and/or embarrass yourself today.
1. ‘Happy Cinco de Mayo!’… said no Mexican ever
Today is not Mexico’s independence day (which is September 16) so you should refrain from treating it as such. You will rarely see a Mexican in the U.S. or in Mexico — outside of where the battle actually happened — acknowledge, let alone celebrate, the holiday. So simmer down.
2. Resist the urge to wear sombreros and fake mustaches because, well, stereotypes
While it may seem like all fun and games, these costumes essentially reduce cultural and traditional costumes to a caricature. Take it from the Penn State sorority sisters who learned the hard way after donning ponchos during one of their “Mexican-themed” parties. (Not to mention the offensive signs they made to accompany their costumes.)
3. Enjoy traditional Mexican libations, but don’t use Cinco de Mayo as an excuse to get brutally inebriated
There’s a thin line between enjoying a drink special with friends and running amok after taking 13 shots of tequila. Plus, blacking out drunk is sort of disrespectful given Cinco de Mayo is in remembrance of a battle, meaning lives were lost. In other words, keep it classy, folks.
4. Avoid using your high school level Spanish with native Spanish speakers today
Any attempts to awkwardly “connect” will likely come off as cheesy and empty. And, please don’t ask anyone to “speak Spanish” for your amusement because that’s just disrespectful. Plus, not all Latinos speak Spanish so you may be striking another nerve.
5. Don’t plan a trip to Mexico to celebrate a ‘real‘ Cinco de Mayo
Outside of the state of Puebla in Mexico, the holiday isn’t really celebrated at all. Even the celebrations in Puebla are much more tempered and family oriented. If you’re genuinely interested in Mexico, head to San Diego, San Antonio or even Mexico City on September 16 and indulge in an authentic experience in all things Mexican.”
CNN really making Americans look horrible with this post. They should’ve just titled it “Drunk American Assholes: Stop. Please Stop.” Well here’s a newsflash CNN: I don’t need a made up holiday to act like a drunken fool. Give me a bartender with a heavy hand and my debit card and I’ll show you how to get inebriated. “In a perfect world, folks would use today to learn more about Mexican history and culture.” Really? What world is it that you think you live in? Holidays like these are celebrated one way and one way only: we drink whatever it is we assocaite with that country. Cinco De Mayo is Corona and Tequila. Fourth of July is Budweiser. I don’t need a 5 point post about how I should or shouldn’t celebrate my Cinco De Mayo. Cue the music.
Unfortunately there is very little documentation of this because when someone challenges you to a good old fashioned choke out you don’t wait for someone to film it you just start choking each other. And that’s exactly what happened Sunday night in Austin. What I thought was going to be an innocent game of indoor shuffleboard turned into a championship showdown of who could incapacitate their opponent. My vision is a little cloudy so I don’t remember how we got on the subject but I do know I felt like I was talking to this kid for 12 hours. Before I knew it, he was showing me choking techniques and the rest of the night was pretty much a blur. Since this kid used to be a Marine he won in every facet of a competition a human being can win at. But after this experience I now know how to choke someone out as long as they’re not too tall. That’s the beauty of SXSW: you go in expecting to learn the in’s and outs of the film business and you leave a trained fighter. I can’t wait to see what I learn next year.
All this Olympic stuff on the TV has got The Average Nobodies thinking (and that can be dangerous). We were thinking why watch the same events over and over and over again? We want some variety with our world-wide winter sporting events. So here it goes, The Average Nobodies are creating two all-new Winter Olympics events we hope get picked up by the time the next time these games roll around.
Freestyle Snow Angels
Easy addition to the winter Olympics. What was the first thing I did when I saw fresh pow pow as a kid? Fall-ass first into it and start making snow angels like a madman of course. No snow day was complete until I made 1,000,000 Matt angels in my front lawn. Just pure ecstasy.
Now fast forward 20 years and i’m ready to take my talents to the big league. Snow angels will be scored on 3 facets: Entry, form, and exit.
Entry is exactly how it sounds; How gracefully can you get into snow angel position? Flopping Bron Bron style isn’t going to cut it. Put some showmanship in your routine. Form is how you flap them arms and legs. Judges are looking for 3 things: RHYTHM, RHYTHM, RHYTHM. Don’t just flap wildly. That’s not going to get you the gold. Lastly, judges will be judging you on your exit. How carefully can you get up so that you don’t screw up your masterpiece. This was always is hardest feat to complete and scoring will be weighted as such. Make the perfect snow angel and even YOU could be an Olympic hero.
Just don’t count on the gold; i’m taking that home at every Olympics until I die. Nobody makes a snow angel like Big Fudge.
I’ve been lobbying for this to become an Olympic event for years. It’s the greatest drinking game in history, and it deserves to take it’s rightful spot in the Olympic games. Beer drinkers have been ignored for centuries when it comes to Olympic events. Just because we enjoy a few beers here and there doesn’t mean we should be shunned from glory. Dodge beer is a simple game. 4 citizens from every country form a team. The game is played 4 via 4, with 4 beer cans each (8 total), a ping pong ball and a picnic table. The best beer drinkers win. Simple as that for your simple ass. Instead of gold, silver and bronze medals, winning countries get free beer for specific time periods.
Bronze – 1 year
Silver – 5 years
Gold – 4 lyfe
– via Celebuzz
This is how you reassert your dominance. Oh Katy Perry has more twitter followers? The Biebs is banging Brazilian whores? I’ll just casually drink my drank out of a stiletto heel like some type of monster. You don’t mess with Rihanna when it comes to doing crazy shit. She’ll twerk on your face then spit in your mouth. Just an absolute lunatic. Although drinking out of something where people put their sweaty feet is kind of disgusting. Either way, don’t fudge with Rihanna.