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Monster Blog Wednesday: Our Ideal Dancing With The Stars Partners

The “stars” for Dancing With The Stars season 20 were just announced, and they’re something. Suzanne Somers, Rumer Willis, Patti LaBelle, Michael Sam; I could literally go on and on, but I think you get the point. DWTS is fun enough, but The Average Nobodies aren’t the kind of people who see an idea and stop there; we see an idea and think ‘how can this idea be better’? In that spirit, we decided to tweak the DWTS concept and instead of a professional dancer paired up with a “celebrity”, we would insert ourselves into the dance routine and bring in some real star power. Ryan with George Clooney? Matt with Elon Musk? The choices are literally endless. Here are our ideal DWTS partners:

Christopher Walken

He may have lost a step, but Christopher Walken has been busting a move longer than I’ve been alive. Simply put, he’s a dancing machine, and if there’s two things you need to succeed on DWTS it’s the ability to do a bunch of different dances and fearlessness. Nobody is more fearless (or insane) than Christopher Walken. I’m a little skeptical of his ability to move around after watching the live Peter Pan special, but luckily for C-Walk, I have some dance moves of my own. Maybe we do the salsa, maybe we do the Charleston, maybe we sit in a chair and stare at the audience; when you’re with Christopher Walken, you can get away with anything. If I’m being honest, unless Alfonso Ribeiro is on the show, the title is up for grabs, so I’m very confident that we’ll be in the finals when that day comes around. Fogarty/Walken ’16!

– Ryan

WWF Superstar Chyna

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Our dancing partnership is based solely on two things: power and agility. While I may not have either one of those traits former WWF vixen, Chyna, has them in spades. Here is how I see our routines going: I come out and bust a few of my signature moves, maybe a few pop and locks sprinkled over a rhythmic pounding of the dance floor by my size 13 shoe. **Enter Chyna** We meet center stage and begin to waltz (her leading of course). From there we treat the rest of the routine like a Cirque Du Soleil show with Chyna tossing me all over the place. We finish with the move from Dirty dancing, but this time I take over and lift her (I have experience).

 

-Matt

Former WWE Diva/Hottest Woman in the World Maryse Did the Ice Bucket Challenge & It Was Wonderful

Be right back. I have to go…do something. Whoever shot this video vertically on their phone should burn in hell.

– Ryan

WWE Signs Swedish Arm Wrestling Champ anddddd She’s Smokin’ Hot

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A new Diva on the way…
-WWE has signed eight-time World Arm Wrestling Champion, eight-time European Arm Wrestling Champion and eleven-time Swedish Arm Wrestling Champion Sarah Bachman to an NXT developmental contract. Bachman posted the following to her Instagram:
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instagramLet me start by saying, welcome! and let me also say welllcommmmmee (as creepy as it looks). Please don’t tear my arm off.

Where was this chick when they filmed Over The Top?

-MattyV

Jo Jo Offerman Is Singing The National Anthem At Summerslam, Which Reminds Me: Isn’t Her Dad Insane?

Jo Jo Offerman, a WWE developmental Diva and star of the E! show Total Divas, is singing the national anthem this Sunday at WWE Summerslam. She’s beautiful, a great singer and very talented in the ring.
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Pretty normal news story right? Except for the fact that her father, former MLB player Jose Offerman, is insane. In 2007, he was arrested for assault after hitting a pitcher and catcher IN THE HEAD WITH A BAT.

Now I’m sure after somebody does that, they’re never allowed to play the game again. Wrong. Three years later, Offerman punched an umpire while disputing a call.

Those of you who are going to say “well he didn’t actually connect with the punch” are really missing the point. Following this incident, Jose was banned for life by the Dominican Winter League, which apparently means nothing, considering the ban was lifted in February of this year.

Let’s hope Jo Jo does the national anthem justice this Sunday, and pray to God she leaves her dad at home.

– Ryan

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