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Monster Blog Wednesday: My Own Personal Hell

This weeks monster blog is a subject that hit me like a ton of bricks. I started thinking about how much I hate certain things, and what I would do to avoid them. So here at average nobodies we decided to tell you about our own personal hells.

Rules: there are no rules, what is the most excruciating situation you can put yourself in for all of eternity. No way out, just living through it every day. Be as detailed and graphic as you want. It could be situational or involve torture. I don’t know all I can do is explain my own.

Hell 1

At my (previous) job the other day I realized how much I hate my former boss’ ringtone. It’s just a standard droid ringtone but it goes right through me, especially because he never answers it. It is also the sign of “get off your ass and look busy”. I am also deathly afraid of spiders. I hate them. All kinds. They turn me into a child more than the hunter from jumanji would. My own personal hell would be trapped in a doorless, windowless room full of big hairy nasty spiders, with that god forsaken ringtone blasting for all of eternity. I would rather be trapped in a room with a lion than spiders. At least he’s got some sense and maybe we can form a pact, but spiders?! Fuck that. Also to make it an ounce worse, I’d throw a tv in there with nothing but the breakfast club playing. I’d rather not have eyes than see that movie. I hate that movie and everyone that likes it, can’t stand it. And that ladies and gents is my own personal hell

+Berno

Wahlberg Hell

Drop me in the middle of the rainforest. Now i’m not talking about the rainforest you see on TV, no, i’m talking about the dense, hot, rainy, covered in animals ready to kill you rainforest.  Now give me an ipod and load that shit with Enya.  I realize that i’d rather listen to the shitty music then hear monkeys plot my murder in the canopy above me so I go to put the headphones on.  Now drop in Carlos Mencia, right behind me, and every time I go to put the headphones on he starts talking to me.  I take the head phones off and he stops, I got to put them on and he starts yapping again.  I get a call on a random cell phone.  Mark Wahlbergs on the other end.  He proceeds the tell me that everyone on my Fantasy Football team is on IR, that he got cleared to make a Shooter 2 & 3, Norah Jones made a hate song about me, everyone on Earth got to travel to the moon except me, and that Mr Lemon closed down.  A hell I wouldn’t wish upon the worst of my enemies.

– Matty V

Ryan’s Hell (Social Media Whores feat. Claustrophobia)

I hate people who use social media to throw their lifestyles in your face and act as if you’re not living like them then you suck. I’m glad you go to the gym, and eat healthy, and go to the beach. But guess what? So does everybody else, so you’re not as special as you think you are. Also, YOLO and “eating at Sonic” don’t belong in the same sentence. YOLO and skydiving maybe, or YOLO and wire walking across the Grand Canyon. Just because you took a week long trip to Disney World doesn’t automatically make you the poster child for excitement. I’m fully aware that I can un-friend or un-follow these people, but it’s been personal hell fantasy, and I’m gonna make it as hellish as possible. I’m deathly afraid of being in an enclosed space that’s slowly filling up with water and I’m powerless to stop it. Its a recurring nightmare of mine. With that said, my personal hell would consist of being in a room that is slowly filling up with water while constantly being fed status updates of people I hate. Somehow the Devil created a waterproof computer and he’s draining the life out of me. The only solace is one day I might meet those same people who put me through social media hell and make them listen to Fast Car for all of eternity.

Sean’s Hell (Ft. David Tyree)

My own personal hell? Hmm, that’s kind of a tough one.  I don’t hate a lot of things worth mentioning, and I’m in a really good place right now, but I guess I’ll just let it all hang out.  So as far as a personal hell/nightmare situation for me is concerned it would take place in deep space, I’d rather go to the depths of the deepest ocean than deep space.  In a lot of people’s hell they’d be alone,  not me, I’d be with David Tyree.   I’d rather be alone for a thousand eternities than listen to that guy talk about himself for half a second, he’s definitely chats it up about himself non-stop, that’s how I picture him.   And it would be scorching hot, not hot enough to kill you, just fucking hot all the time along with zero ways to cool down.  The only sustenance would be jalapeno peppers and alcohol-free keystone light (alcohol would be too much of a luxury in this situation).  A movie would constantly be playing, The Road with Viggo Mortenson; I promise that you will never witness a more depressing hour and fifty-one minutes in your life. To recap, it’s me and David Tyree floating in deep space, it’s 100 degrees out (and humid I’ve decided), only food is jalapeno peppers and drink is non-alcoholic keystone, while watching The Road on repeat for all an eternity.  And I suppose to top it all if you tried to pause or stop the movie a recording would turn on of Elton John’s Benny and the Jets. Normally a perfectly good son but in this case the only part that plays is “B-b-b-b-b-BENNY, BENNY,BENNY,BENNY,BENNY,… well you get the picture.

Shoot me now.

-Sean Lite-

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Yoko Ono Continues to be Insane

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It’s Friday, and the Yokester continues to tweet her sweet little ass off. Lets explore the world of Twitter through the words of Yoko Ono.

@yokoono: All my life, I have been in love with the sky. Even when everything was falling apart around me, the sky was always there for me.

– nothing like a good sky tweet to start off your day. I really wanted to dissect this tweet and find some sort of hidden meaning, but I think some things just aren’t meant to be understood. Some people have family. Some people have friends. Yoko has the sky.

@yokoono: All of us will soon be able to stay alive for as long as we want to.

– oh Yoko. The ultimate optimist. She’s starting to sound like Ricky Bobby from Talladega Nights. Although I can’t say I’ll be surprised if she ends living to be 200 years old. Maybe having the sky as your only friend is some type of weird secret to longevity. All I know is she’s healthier at 80 than I am at 24.

P.S. @WeirdosTV: @yokoono I agree. I plan to live for 999 years. Like John, the number 9 has great significance for me.

– the insanity never stops when Yoko is involved. My question is how pissed would you be if you died at 999? If I’m sticking around that long I need to live to be 1,000. Need it more than anything I’ve accomplished in my 999 years on this and any other planet that I’m naturally king of. In my eyes I have to be king. I’m immortal. Unless I die at 999 and then I’m a failure. Holy shit did I digress. Anyway Yoko, WeirdosTV: keep bringing the crazy. And remember, the sky in need is a friend indeed. Have a great weekend.

-Ryan

Matt Vieira, Supreme Ruler of The Planet Mars

Mars One is a non profit organization whose mission is to expand human life to other planets. Their CEO and President’s name is Bas Lansdorp and he is insane as the day is long, but I would follow him to the ends of the universe…literally.

The Mars One initiative aims to send humans to Mars…forever. A one-way ticket that will cement you in the history books and forever change your life. The mission will send two males and two females to mars in 2023. The project is an estimated 6 billion dollar undertaking, 3.5 more billions than Curiosity. If you ask me, thats a bargain. Spend the little extra and send some people, that won’t get stuck on rocks or run out of battery, up there. “But Matt!”, you scream from outside my window. “How will they ever pay for this!?” Application fees of course! You silly geese. Applications cost $38 dollars a piece, so that means they only need 157,894,737 people to file applications. Uh…What?? However, Bas Lansdorp does not seem concerned. In a recent interview with Bas (Can I call you Bas?) he said “We have gotten 10,000+ emails already.” Way to see the glass half full, Bas.

Speaking of Mr. optimistic, Bas also said in the same interview “There will be emergencies and deaths. We need to make sure that crew members can continue without those people….it is up to the people on Mars to decide what to do with their dead.” Nothing like putting a little faith and confidence in your crew. I can see the pep talk now……(dream sequence)….”So what we got here is a rocket, not sure if its going to launch or blow up on the pad. Oh, and also, people will die up there so you figure out what to do with the bodies. As far as medicine goes, we have none, we didn’t quite reach our fundraising goal. In a couple years, if this hasn’t folded, we might send more people, but don’t count on it. Oh yea and go fuck yourself.” Just a complete “shits gonna happen” type locker room speech. But like I said, this wouldn’t stop me. The only thing that would make me want to go more is if Bruce Willis was the captain of shuttle.

Personally, I am ready to send in my application and video. And If I do get selected, here is my plan. I get up there on the red rock and. I. Go. Rogue. Just causing a ruckus and claiming Mars for myself. Have you ever been King of an entire planet? No you haven’t, but I will. SUCKERS.

-MattyV

Here is the welcome video on their site. If this doesn’t get you hard for exploring the universe then I feel bad for you.

P.S. When asked if Bas would like to join this mission to Mars he responded, “I have a really nice girlfriend, and she doesn’t want to come with me, so I’m staying right here.” Strong move, Bas, chivalry isn’t dead after all.

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