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Trailer Alert: ‘Black Mass’, The Whitey Bulger Story #BlackMass

Black Mass is one of the most anticipated movies yet to come out this year, and all of that buzz has to do with the main character portrayed by Johnny Depp, James ‘Whitey’ Bulger. For those who don’t know, Whitey Bulger is one of most notorious criminals in history, and his reign of terror lasted several decades. What made Bulger worse than your average criminal is that he struck a deal with the FBI, but still continued to be a world class monster. It’s said that Jack Nicholson’s character in The Departed was loosely based on Bulger, but in the case of ‘Black Mass’, this is basically a fictional documentary. The trailer doesn’t give us much, except intermittent scenes of violence centered around a dinner discussion where it looks like Whitey is going to kill a guy because he gave him his family’s steak recipe. Depp was awesome in Blow and Public Enemies, so I have no doubt he’ll excel here as well. ‘Black Mass’ has no official release date yet, but will be in theaters this year.

– Ryan

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The Hypnotist Bandit is Terrorizing California

Wet Bandits FBI agents are hunting a “Hypnotist Bandit,” who makes major eye contact during bank robberies.

The suspect reportedly stares at tellers as he hands over his demand note — and then refuses to look away as they hand over the cash.

He’s believed to have hit up four money houses in California in the past week.

Striking twice on June 3, he allegedly stole an undisclosed amount of cash from institutions in in Temple City and South El Monte.

The mesmerizing marauder is also accused of robbing another bank in Pasadena on May 27.

Doc Rivers dumbfounded

“Who makes major eye contact during bank robberies.” That’s a first. So this guy is being persecuted because he has fantastic people skills? Isn’t that what everyone is complaining about nowadays? All those kids texting and playing Candy Crush instead of some good old fashioned conversation and eye contact. I guess what he makes up for in eye contact he lacks in decision making skills. Is robbing a bank smart? Probably not, but this guy isn’t perfect. Do you expect him to have perfect people skills AND make all the right decisions? I think that’s asking too much of a flawed human being. On a serious note, does this guy carry a weapon? I’ve read the article and nowhere does it mention that he has a gun or a knife or anything. He just hands you a note, stares into your soul and takes all your money. That’s power.

– Ryan

Robbing Banks 101: Don’t Search “What Happens If You Rob a Bank”

(Source) “If you’re going to use the Internet as a bank-robbing how-to guide, it’s probably a good idea to delete your search history.

That may be the nail in the coffin for one accused bank robber, who police said looked for tips by searching, “What happens if you rob a bank” and “If you’re going to rob a bank,” prior to the robbery. (We’re going to assume “clear browsing data” was not one of those tips.)

Authorities in Massachusetts recently made three arrests following a robbery at the Weymouth Bank in South Weymouth Friday morning. Shortly before 11 a.m., a woman, who did not furnish a weapon, reportedly entered the bank and demanded money. She made off with an unspecified amount of cash after instructing the bank teller to not give her a dye pack (an exploding device that leaves a permanent mark on cash).

According to The Patriot Ledger, the suspect was identified from bank security footage after officers in the narcotics division recognized her as the subject of an ongoing heroin distribution investigation. Witnesses also told police the female suspect was with a male prior to the robbery.

Officers arrived at the property that was under investigation in the drug distribution case and took 27-year-old Sarah J. McLoud and Robert W. Owens, 28, into custody Friday afternoon. During a search of the Torrey Street residence, police said they found clothing worn during the bank robbery, cash stolen during the theft and a suspicious search history.

“A computer in the room showed recent searches including: What happens if you rob a bank, What happens if you rob a house, What happens if you rob a drug dealer, and If you’re going to rob a bank,” the Weymouth Police Department wrote in a statement on its Facebook page along with a photo of the three suspects.”

bank robber

The saying “not the brightest bulbs” gives these three way too much credit. If your first step in the process of robbing a bank is to Google “if you’re robbing a bank…” you should probably find another hobby. Google is a wonderful thing, especially for movie quotes and song lyrics, but I wouldn’t rely on it to help me rob a bank. Also, if you’re ever a suspect in an ongoing heroin distribution case, maybe lay low for awhile. It’s probably best to stay out off security cameras that are used primarily when a bank is robbed. Last but no least, if you rob a house, bank or drug dealer, you’re probably going to jail. Didn’t really need Google for that one.

– Ryan

 

England Might Have The Greatest Sketch Artists on the Planet

Detectives have released this peculiar composite of the suspect. The man, who is roughly 5 feet, 10 inches tall,  allegedly attacked a woman on Aug. 20.

(Source) “Is this the creepiest facial composite ever?

Cops in England are hunting for a man with a long blond rocker ’do who was  allegedly behind a sex attack.

 The freshly coiffed man allegedly walked up to a woman at her home in  Chelmsford, Essex, on Aug. 20, and said he was there to do work.

She tried to turn him away, but he forced his way inside to assault her.  Terrified, the victim told a friend several days later, and the friend contacted  police.

Officers think his “distinctive curly, blond hair” is real.

The suspect, who is about 5 feet, 10 inches tall, was wearing a red and  white patterned T-shirt and knee-length black and white shorts.”

How happy are Essex cops right now? The sketch artists are basically doing their jobs for them. If you can’t find THIS GUY, you should just stop being a detective. Just look for the fabulous blonde curly hair, or the numerous black pen marks all over his face. The crime rate in Essex must be negative zero when you employ sketch artists like this. Criminals, you’re outta here.

– Ryan

How The Breaking Bad Violence vs. Hair Chart Relates To Fat George Zimmerman

The oatmeal created an awesome (and accurate) breaking bad chart that analyzes each character’s tendency for violence vs. how much hair they have. Since George Zimmerman can’t see to keep his fat head out of trouble, I decided to do a little analyzing of my own.

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Here’s George Zimmerman in 2005 after a domestic violence incident. Still not a choir boy, but the case was eventually thrown out. Also, notice Zimmerman has a full head of hair and he’s fat.

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Here’s George Zimmerman towards the end of the Trayvon Martin trial, and only a few months before his most recent domestic violence incident. He isn’t pure evil by any means, and he’s grown out his hair and somehow gotten fatter.

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Fresh off a murder George Zimmerman. That’s right, no hair, semi-skinny, and now he’s a murderer. Shot an unarmed kid. When George Zimmerman is fat with a full head of hair, he get’s into minor domestic disturbances. When George Zimmerman gets a buzz cut and loses weight, he turns into a murderer.

Moral of the story: whether you’re cooking meth to feed your family during a cancer battle or a member of the neighborhood watch, if you’re skinny with a shaved head and a goatee you’re a cold blooded murderer.

– Ryan

What’s More Embarassing: Getting Pushed Off A Cliff Or Getting Trampled By An Elephant?

HELENA, Mont.  — They were newlyweds, but she was having second thoughts about the 8-day-old marriage, court documents say. The couple drove the short distance from their Kalispell home to Glacier National Park, where they got into an argument. He grabbed her by the arm, but she pulled away and shoved him face-first off a cliff to his death. Federal prosecutors have given their version of what happened to Cody Lee Johnson, 25, two months after his body was found in an area of the park so steep and rugged that a helicopter had to be used in the recovery. Jordan Linn Graham, 22, appeared Monday in federal court in Missoula on a second-degree murder charge in Johnson’s July 7 death. Her attorney, public defender Andrew Nelson, declined to comment. Johnson’s family and friends had called for an investigation since the body was recovered July 12 below the Loop Trail near the sheer cliff drops of the park’s popular Going to the Sun Road. Johnson loved her and was excited for their marriage after a two-year courtship, but his relatives suspected that Graham didn’t exactly reciprocate, family friend Tracey Maness said. She was aloof, didn’t want to spend time with his family, and clammed up when she did, Maness said. He told his mother that Graham would change when they got married, Maness said. “Nobody ever could have thought something like this could happen,” she said. On the night Johnson died, Graham told a friend that she meant to talk with Johnson about “having second thoughts about having been married,” according to an FBI affidavit filed with the criminal complaint.

Just before 9 p.m., she texted the friend that she was about to talk to him. “But dead serious if u don’t hear from me at all again tonight, something happened,” Graham wrote, according to the affidavit. Johnson was reported missing July 8 when he failed to show up for work, and Graham was questioned the following day. She originally told investigators that Johnson sent her a text message the night of his death, saying he was going for a drive with a friend from out of town. She said she arrived to see a dark-colored car pulling out of their driveway, and that Johnson was in it. On July 11, two days after that interview, Graham told a park ranger in Glacier that she had found the body below the popular Loop area, the affidavit said. The park ranger commented that it was unusual that she found it. “It was a place he wanted to see before he died,” she said, according to the affidavit. “He would come up here with friends to drive fast when his friends were visiting from out of town.” Five days later, Graham admitted to authorities in a second interview that she had lied, according to the affidavit. She told them she and Johnson had an argument, were upset and decided to go to the Loop Trail. They continued arguing on the trail, and it intensified. At one point, she turned to walk away, but Johnson grabbed her arm, she said. She turned around, removed his hand from her arm and “due to her anger, she pushed Johnson with both hands in the back, and as a result, he fell face first off the cliff,” the affidavit said. Maness described Johnson as a “big goofball” with a great sense of humor who was into cars, video games, four-wheeling and kayaking. He and Graham during their engagement would go to Glacier for some of the easy day hikes, most recently in May, she said. She said the family is relieved that the investigation is finally complete and charges brought after two months. “Two months probably isn’t very long for an FBI investigation, but when you’re waiting for answers, that’s a lifetime,” she said.

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As I was reading about what happened to Cody, I remebered an article about an old man who got trampled by and elephant  and it got me thinking: what would be the most embarrassing way to die? Not the worst way to die. That’s still being in an enclosed tank as it slowly fills up with water. Kind of like how Charlie died in Lost, except without the permanent marker or the heroin addiction. But what about the most embarassing way to die? Getting shoved off a cliff by your new bride is pretty embarassing, but so is getting trampled by an elephant playing bocce.

Unless you’re Stallone in Cliffhanger, you’re probably not going to survive a shove to the face off a cliff. I just don’t know if that’s the way I want to go out. Marry a girl one week, the next week she’s throwing you off a cliff. In her defense, who has an argument with a girl then takes her to a mountain top? Unless he was planning on throwing her off the cliff, but she saw it coming and pulled the ol’ switcharoo. Brutus move if I ever saw one.

Next we have the old French man who got trampled by an elephant. I understand the guy was in his 80s, but how do you not see or hear an elephant coming? It’s not like it can sneak up on you. I feel like if an elephant was charging towards I could casually step aside and it would keep running. This is what happens when you get emotionally invested in bocci. You get trampled by a runaway elephant named Tania.

These are both embarassing ways to die, but I gotta believe my friends would give me way more flack for getting run over by a elephant. The old French man trumps the cliff diver.

– Ryan

“The Right Guys For The Job” – Our 48 Hour Film Project

The newest film from Can’t B Trusted Productions, “The Right Guys For The Job”, premieried at the 48 Hour Film Festival last night in Lincoln, RI. Directed by our very own average nobody Matt Vieira and starring yours truly, this crime short details the plot of a bitter ex wife, Grace White, and the crew of low level thiefs she hires to steal a valuable possession from her ex husband. Will the plan go up in smoke, or did she hire the right guys for the job? Watch and enjoy.

Florida Man Gains Potato Chips, Loses His Mind.

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“Wonder if the flavor was ‘Assault and Vinegar.’ After being arrested for stealing potato chips from a Naples, Fla. drug store, Jacky Rogers told the deputy he would find, rape and kill his family, according to an arrest report obtained by Naples News. Rogers, 28, allegedly told the drug store manager, “I am hungry, man, I need to eat,” Fox 4 Now reported. He also allegedly told the Collier County deputies handcuffing him that he would “whip” their “a–es.” Rogers is charged with petty theft, according to the Collier County Sheriff’s Office. Arrest records show this is the sixth time he’s been jailed over the past two years, on charges including theft and battery.” – HuffPost

A man’s gotta eat. I can’t blame Jacky Rogers. In college I stole eggs and bags of chips from convenience stores when having beer money was an absolute necessity, although judging by his mugshot it looks like he might need heroin money. I think there are two very important questions that need to be asked here. What kind of chips was Jacky so obsessed with? If they were Cool Ranch Doritos then the cops owe Jacky an apology. You can’t expect a man to act rational when CRD’s are involved. He probably just saw blue and went for the kill. Give the guy a break. The second question is how does the same guy who steals a bag of chips threaten to murder and rape a cops family? I feel like chip thieves don’t dabble in the rape/murder game. All I know is I need that “assault and vinegar” line in my repertoire immediately. Game changing creativity.

– Ryan

P.S. If it turns out he stole Sun Chips they should give him the death penalty.

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