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Be Better America: 7% Of Americans Believe Chocolate Milk Comes From Brown Cows

Seven percent of all American adults believe that chocolate milk comes from brown cows, according to a nationally representative online survey commissioned by the National Dairy Council.

If you do the math, that works out to 16.4 million misinformed, milk-drinking people. The equivalent of the population of Pennsylvania (and then some!) does not know that chocolate milk is milk, cocoa and sugar. – Washington Post

The cows are judging us

Well this isn’t the best look. 7% of Americans (or 16.4 million if you’re into that sort of thing) think chocolate milk comes from brown cows. Saying that’s too many people is an understatement. One person thinking this is too many people. 16.4 million? That’s just depressing. I honestly think the more advanced technology becomes the dumber human beings get, because now technology does everything for us. I’ll admit I’m part of the problem too. If I’m typing something at work and I don’t know how to spell a word, I’m not giving it some thought and trying to figure out the correct spelling. I’m just throwing some letters together and letting spell check do the work for me. While I’m getting lazier on the spelling front, I can proudly say I’m not part of the 7% who think chocolate milk comes from brown cows. Also, how mad do you think Hershey’s was when they saw this study? They’ve spent their whole lives making this delicious chocolate syrup to put in milk, and then stupid Americans and brown cows swoop in and steal their thunder. It’s not right.

-Ryan

 

 

 

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A Kenyan Lawyer Wants To Marry Malia Obama & He’s Willing To Pay A Fortune (Not A Fortune)

OhA city lawyer has a special request for President Barack Obama. His dream is to marry one of Obama’s daughters, Malia, and is ready to pay 50 cows, 70 sheep and 30 goats as bride price. Speaking to The Nairobian, Kiprono, who hit the headlines when he moved to court seeking to have William Ruto sworn in as president when Uhuru travelled to The Hague for his ICC case, said he is ready to meet Obama to discuss the matter when the US president visits in July.

“I got interested in her in 2008. As a matter of fact, I haven’t dated anyone since and promise to be faithful to her. I have shared this with my family and they are willing to help me raise the bride price,” he said.  The young lawyer claims his love for Malia is real and not infatuation He claims Malia has Kenyan blood since his father Obama has Kenyan roots.

If you’re the President of the United States, you might have to consider this offer. I don’t know what Obama would do with this much livestock, but you still have to consider it. 50 cows, 70 sheep and 30 goats? This lawyer is going out of his way to impress the President and I hope Barack notices. I don’t know if this is how people pay for stuff in Nairobi, but sign me up. Want to buy a flat screen TV? 300 chickens. Want to buy a new car? 10 cheetahs and half a turtle. The people of Nairobi might be onto something, because as it stands America is pretty much printing money with nothing backing it. Why not get into the animal currency business? Seems lucrative. If cows, sheep and goats are a lawyers salary, I think I’d fit in pretty well there. Just no birds. Never any birds.

– Ryan

 

I May Have Just Found The Newest Pop Sensation

I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but when I retire from the force I may have a second career in the musical industry. If I’m able to find a band with as much talent as these three, then I have to believe that the sky’s the limit. As far as the three blind mice go, their passion for music comes right through the screen. No fans? No problem. No venue? Don’t need it. Get these guys an open field and a shit ton of cows and you have the equivalent of The Rolling Stones in the 70’s. You know you’re good when you don’t even incorporate any words into your songs. All they need is a drum set, a couple of saxophones and the combined musical talents that literally make animals run for their lives.

– Ryan

P.S. Get me that that saxophone player on the left’s shirt. It’s still 1960 to him god dammit.

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