— WWE (@WWE) April 21, 2016
Sad news (is there ever really another kind nowadays?) from the wrestling – Joanie Laurer, better known as Chyna, has passed away at the age of 45. Chyna might as well have defined the word ‘revolutionary’ when it comes to mainstream women’s wrestling in the United States. She first appeared on screen as HHH’s bodyguard/valet, and went on to become one of the most popular superstars of the Attitude Era. 45 is a horribly young age to pass away at, and it’s another huge blow to the pro wrestling industry. Speculation will mount as to what caused her death, but I think it’s better to remember her during the good times. RIP.
The “stars” for Dancing With The Stars season 20 were just announced, and they’re something. Suzanne Somers, Rumer Willis, Patti LaBelle, Michael Sam; I could literally go on and on, but I think you get the point. DWTS is fun enough, but The Average Nobodies aren’t the kind of people who see an idea and stop there; we see an idea and think ‘how can this idea be better’? In that spirit, we decided to tweak the DWTS concept and instead of a professional dancer paired up with a “celebrity”, we would insert ourselves into the dance routine and bring in some real star power. Ryan with George Clooney? Matt with Elon Musk? The choices are literally endless. Here are our ideal DWTS partners:
He may have lost a step, but Christopher Walken has been busting a move longer than I’ve been alive. Simply put, he’s a dancing machine, and if there’s two things you need to succeed on DWTS it’s the ability to do a bunch of different dances and fearlessness. Nobody is more fearless (or insane) than Christopher Walken. I’m a little skeptical of his ability to move around after watching the live Peter Pan special, but luckily for C-Walk, I have some dance moves of my own. Maybe we do the salsa, maybe we do the Charleston, maybe we sit in a chair and stare at the audience; when you’re with Christopher Walken, you can get away with anything. If I’m being honest, unless Alfonso Ribeiro is on the show, the title is up for grabs, so I’m very confident that we’ll be in the finals when that day comes around. Fogarty/Walken ’16!
WWF Superstar Chyna
Our dancing partnership is based solely on two things: power and agility. While I may not have either one of those traits former WWF vixen, Chyna, has them in spades. Here is how I see our routines going: I come out and bust a few of my signature moves, maybe a few pop and locks sprinkled over a rhythmic pounding of the dance floor by my size 13 shoe. **Enter Chyna** We meet center stage and begin to waltz (her leading of course). From there we treat the rest of the routine like a Cirque Du Soleil show with Chyna tossing me all over the place. We finish with the move from Dirty dancing, but this time I take over and lift her (I have experience).