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After WWE Battleground, the New WWE World Heavyweight Champion Is…

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Just kidding. The champ is still here.

– Ryan

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WWE Battleground Predictions

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Battleground is this Sunday. John Cena is defending his title in the main event and all is right with the world. Let’s get to the predictions.

Naomi vs. Cameron

It looks like the Funkadactyls are really splitting up (tear). Naomi is far more interesting/athletic than Cameron, so I’m hoping she pulls out a victory here. It looked like Naomi was going to be the #1 contender for Paige’s title, but then AJ Lee came back, which is a far more interesting feud for Paige. Most likely scenario: Naomi defeats Cameron, then get’s a beat down post match from Cameron and the resident lunatic Alicia Fox. Most unlikely scenario: Brodus Clay comes back and T-Bone suplexes everyone.

AJ Lee vs. Paige (WWE Divas Championship Match)

The main reason I like this feud is because both ladies can play their natural characters. AJ Lee looks like a baby face, Paige looks like a heel. AJ takes some time off to get married to he who shall not be named, and when she comes back, she’s a baby face. Paige has been an undercover heel ever since she “came out to congratulate” AJ on the Raw after WrestleMania, so why not just push her all the way. Most likely scenario: AJ retains, setting up a rematch at  Summerslam where Paige gets her true big moment with a title win. Most unlikely scenario: CM Punk comes back as the special guest referee, turns on AJ and proposes to Paige in the middle of the ring.

Jack Swagger vs. Rusev (USA vs. Russia!)

In case you missed Monday’s Raw, the Rusev/Lana vs. Swagger/Colter détente was the best segment of the show. Most of the credit for this great buildup has to go to Lana and Rusev, because wrestling 101 says you can’t have a loved baby face without a hated heel. The best part about this whole thing is Swagger and Colter have not changed a bit. They still defend America, they still hate foreigners, except this time we hate the foreigners too. Lana is so pitch perfect in her role, and she’s gone from smart heel (America is crumbling) to crazy heel (America is stupid) which is very important. It’s tough to hate a heel when everything they’re saying is right. It’s easy to hate a heel when they’re just ignorant. Most likely scenario: I really want Rusev to win here. I think it’s too early to break his undefeated streak, and this is the best WWE has built up a wrestler in awhile. This is exacly how they should of built up Ryback, with squash matches to start then slowly challenge him with real threats. Rusev with the Accolade for the win. Most unlike scenario: Colter/Obama rush the ring to save Swagger from a Lana/Rusev/Putin three on one attack.

Intercontinental Title Battle Royal

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Poor Bad News Barrett. Not only did he have to forfeit his title, but now he has to sit ringside Sunday and watch somebody else take it from him. There’s a lot of quality talent in this match, and I’m assuming whoever wins will be feuding with BNB upon his return. My two picks would be Cesaro and Bo Dallas. Cesaro because he’s the best guy in the match, and he really needs some direction. Bo Dallas because he’s the best heel in this match, and I’m assuming BNB comes back as a baby face. Plus, imagine that victory lap after a title win!? Most likely scenario: Cesaro wins and continues his over the top rope battle royal dominance. Most unlikely scenario: Zack Ryder lasts more than 12 seconds.

Ric Flair vs. The Ring

Just kidding. That would be good though.

The Uso’s vs. Harper & Rowan (2 out of 3 Falls for the Tag Team Championship)

I thoroughly enjoyed this match at MITB, and I have zero problem giving these teams enough time to put on a classic. The usual recipe for 2 out of 3 falls matches are a quick first fall, then the other team winning the second fall setting up a third and final winners take all match. The Uso’s have been great as tag team champs, but I love @akathemaskedman’s prediction of Harper & Rowan winning here, setting up a feud with Goldust and Stardust at Summerslam. If that happens, WWE can take all my money, and the tag team scene will officially be back on the map. Most likely scenario: Harper & Rowan win, and we finally have a true heel(s) as a champion. Most unlikely scenario: The Uso’s pull a Bella twins magic switch to retain and I light myself on fire.

Bray Wyatt vs. Chris Jericho

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This is the feud that will prove WWE is taking Wyatt seriously as a performer. He’s feuded with top stars (Bryan, Cena) but has looked like absolute shit. I think people are so  caught up in the uniqueness of the character that they refuse to see anything wrong with it. Don’t get me wrong, he’s amazing. He’s magic on the microphone and he’s getting better and better in the ring. He adds little subtleties to his character, like the spider walk, or making his own shirts, that are awesome. But his promo got “boring” chants on Raw, and while the crowd was dumb for chanting it, I definitely understand it. Uproxx wrote an article on five ways to tweak his character, and I love their points. He says he doesn’t care about wins and losses, yet whenever he’s losing, Harper & Rowan rush the ring to make sure he doesn’t lose. He says he wants to change John Cena, bring out the darkness in him, then he loses two out of three PPV matches and moves on. Part of this is WWE’s fault, but part of it has to fall on the performer. Who cares about the little girl who had no friends in high school. Who cares about the having the whole world in your hands. Fuck the fans. Adapt that CM Punk cult personality and show everyone why you’re right and they’re wrong. He’s got the right dance partner in baby face Jericho, so let’s see if this is the feud that puts Wyatt over the top. Most likely scenario: Jericho steals a non convincing victory, because this feud should go on for a few more PPV’s. Most unlikely scenario: Wyatt get’s distracted by Jericho’s light up jacket, falls out of his rocking chair, and we never see him again.

Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins

AKA the match of the night. There’s no reason these two shouldn’t go out and just tear the house down. They’re familiar with each other, and they have a clear reason to be fighting: Rollins turned his back on his brother to be a corporate yuppie, and you don’t turn your back on a legitimate psycho. I expect Ambrose to be the brawler and Rollins to duck and cover for the beginning of this match, but then they should fly. Most likely scenario: Rollins wins, possibly with some help from The Authority. Most unlikely scenario: Dean Ambrose gets on the microphone post match and declares his new name is Jeans Ambrose.

John Cena vs. Roman Reigns vs. Kane vs. Randy Orton – Fatal Four Way WWE Championship Match

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Cena wins. That much is clear. But this should be a good showcase for Roman Reigns, the heir apparent to the baby face throne. Kane and Orton have also been teasing a lot of tension lately, so I wouldn’t be surprised if their bickering led to Cena pinning either one of them to retain. This will lead to Plan B, which is Seth Rollins, but since Plan B is always interrupted by Jeans Ambrose (his new name now. it has been decided), HHH will have no other option but to go with Paul Heyman’s Plan C, Brock Lesnar. I don’t think Lesnar shows up at Battleground, but his return is looming. Hopefully this match serves three purposes: get Reigns out of the title picture for now and have him feud with Orton/HHH. Have Cena move on and get his ass kicked by Lesnar. Have Kane retire forever. Most likely scenario: And still WWE Champion, JAAAAHHHHNN Ceeeennnaaa. Most unlikely scenario: anything else.

 

Enjoy the PPV, and follow us @averagenobodies as we’ll be live tweeting. I’ll make a lot of Jeans Ambrose jokes. Have a good weekend everybody.

– Ryan

 

 

 

 

As Expected, John Cena Won the WWE World Heavyweight Championship at MITB Last Night

We were live in Boston last night for the MITB pay per view, which was awesome. The night ended with WWE’s golden boy, John Cena, climbing the ladder and grabbing the titles to become the new champion. It was predictable, but it also made sense, especially if Brock Lesnar’s return is as imminent as everyone thinks. Raw should be must see tonight!

– Ryan

Your Average ‘Money in the Bank’ Preview

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Money in the Bank is live from Boston this Sunday, and the Average Nobodies will be there. Look for the 8 very inebriated guys wearing ref shirts and screaming obscenities while children look on in horror. Rusev/Big E and Summer Rae/Layla are rumored to be game day add on’s, but for the love of Bill Paxton, please no. Just send Lana out to warm up the crowd because we likey, but leave the other four in the back. Here are our predictions for the pay per view:

<Paige (C) vs. Naomi

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For whatever reason (not enough TV time, not enough talent) the Diva’s division has been the weak link in the WWE for a long time. With the mini resurgence of the tag team division, and legitimate stars like Bad News Barrett and Sheamus holding the IC and US titles, the Diva’s division is low on the totem pole by a large margin. With AJ Lee seemingly not returning anytime soon, it’s up to this current crop of Divas to lead the charge. This should be a fun, quick match: Paige has been impressive when given enough time, and Naomi is the most athletic Diva when she’s not busy getting her eyeball kneed into her brain. WWE has been teasing a Funkadactyls breakup for a few weeks now, so we can see Cameron costing Naomi the match here and Paige retaining.

Goldust & Stardust vs. Rybaxel

Say what you will about Stardust, but he’s different. The most common complaint among WWE fans is that wrestling is too predictable and boring, and now that we have Stardust, he’s too over the top and weird. MAKE UP YOUR MINDS PEOPLE. Cody Rhodes is a great performer, whether he’s wearing a facemask or face paint, so as long as he’s in the ring I’m happy. Goldust is enjoying one of the best stretches of his career, and combined with Cody’s newfound persona, they have the potential to be a really fun tag team. On the flipside, Rybaxel have found their latest niche, and have some serious chemistry as a tag team. Goldust and a variety of partners have been fighting Rybaxel for what seems like years now, but I think the addition of Stardust can give this match the freshness it needs. Fingers crossed for Sin Cara-esque mood lighting, and we see Goldust and Stardust continue their momentum and grab a strong win.

The Uso’s (C) vs. Harper & Rowan

If this event didn’t showcase two ladder matches, I’d say the tag team title match between The Uso’s and Harper & Rowan would have a chance to steal the show. Either way, I expect this match to be exciting, mostly because it has the perfect dynamic: agile, popular faces versus tough, monster heels. Both of these teams look best when their opponents really sell their moves, and The Uso’s REALLY sell moves, while Harper & Rowan can really move and eat planchas and super kicks.  Look for Harper & Rowan to control most of the match with their overwhelming power, but hopefully The Uso’s will retain, continuing this feud until Summerslam when Harper & Rowan nab the gold. Also, very excited to experience Harper & Rowan’s new entrance live. If you haven’t seen it yet, watch the video above or check out our post on it.

MITB Ladder Match For the Briefcase: Seth Rollins v. Dean Ambrose v. RVD. v. Kofi Kingston v. Jack Swagger v. Dolph Ziggler v. Bad News Barrett (?)

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The question mark is after Bad News Barrett’s name because apparently Jack Swagger hates when other wrestlers gain momentum. Swagger tossed Barrett into the barricade on Smackdown this week and separated his shoulder. With Barrett most likely out of the match, the favorites to win have to be Rollins and Ambrose. They have the only “feud within the match” storyline, and look for Ambrose to do everything in his power to make sure Seth Rollins doesn’t grab that briefcase. Which means Seth Rollins will grab that briefcase. While I’d love to see Ziggler win, Rollins winning makes the most sense. He just turned heel, and has aligned himself with The Authority. Getting the briefcase is the boost his new character could benefit from, and also adds another dimension to the Ambrose/Rollins that will probably continue on after the pay per view. Swagger, Kofi, RVD and Ziggler round out a stellar cast for this match, and it should feature spots galore. And if WWE needs a replacement for BNB, we’ve got you covered:

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MITB Ladder Match For the Title: John Cena v. Randy Orton v. Sheamus v. Alberto Del Rio v. Cesaro v. Bray Wyatt vs. Roman Reigns v. Kane

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(Couldn’t find a picture with Kane in it which pretty much sums up his chances)

It’s fun to be optimistic sometimes, and predict that a real fan favorite (Reigns) or a bad guy who’s turning into a fan favorite (Wyatt) is going to win this match. But then you see this bright green shadow decked out in arm bands and jorts and you come back to reality. Nothing would be better than having one of the younger guys (Cesaro, Reigns, Wyatt) end the show standing atop the ladder with both titles, but it’s just not going to happen. In the long run, that’s a good thing. There is a certain streak conqueror we haven’t seen since WrestleMania who will absolutely be back in the next month or so (or sooner, see below) and that Beast will be coming for the WWE champion. Giving any of those guys their first major title only to have them get destroyed by Lesnar at Summerslam makes zero sense. While Cena winning may suck at first, it makes sense. Lesnar/Cena will draw in the fans and the viewers for the pay per view, and the rest of the participants in the MITB title match aren’t hurt by a loss because not only did they lose to Super Cena, but neither of them were pinned or submitted. So Cena will most likely end the pay per view atop the ladder, but don’t rule out Lesnar storming the ring post match and laying him out, sending the crowd into a frenzy and making this Monday’s Raw a must-see.

– The Average Nobodies

Daniel Bryan Set to Undergo Neck Surgery – Where Do We Go From Here?

No!Unfortunately, the rumors floating around earlier today (May 12, 2014) were true and Daniel Bryan has, in fact, suffered a neck injury that will take him out of action for an undetermined amount of time.

He didn’t reveal the extent of his injuries during his promo on tonight’s episode of Monday Night Raw in Greenville, South Carolina, but did get emotional when saying he will have surgery this coming Thursday.

“I don’t know when I’ll be back but I do know I will be back.

“YES! YES! YES!”

No announcement was made regarding the status of the WWE world heavyweight championship, so he is not being stripped of the title, at least not yet. They also failed to acknowledge the Payback pay-per-view (PPV) scheduled for June 1 in Chicago, which could mean prior reports of his possibly making a return at that show are still possible and WWE simply doesn’t want to rule anything out just yet.

This leaves the heavy lifting to ongoing feuds between John Cena and Bray Wyatt, and Evolution and The Shield.

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The WWE Universe got some sad news last night on Raw when Daniel Bryan confirmed that he needs legitimate neck surgery and will be out from 4-6 weeks. This is especially bad news since WWE is finally starting to run with Bryan as their champion/top dog after being reluctant to elevate him for so long. Just like the CM Punk saga opened the door for Bryan to finally reach that top rung, Bryan’s injury and subsequent surgery leaves a large hole that I’m hoping various superstars can fill.

  • The Cena/Wyatt feud has cooled off considerably since WWE had Cena win at Wrestlemania, but I have faith that these two can fill some of the void left by Bryan’s absence. Wyatt is at the point where he can carry a feud on promo’s alone, and hopefully Cena realizes that WWE needs him to step it up and drop the comedy shtick and starts investing in this storyline.
  • The Shield vs. Evolution continues to be a strong story, and the “Hounds of Justice” are better than they’ve ever been. HHH, Orton and Batista are natural heels and its really impossible to dislike The Shield at this point. Their match at Extreme Rules stole the show and I wouldn’t mind seeing the build to a rematch on the next three Raws leading up to Payback.
  • The tag team division is very strong right now, and it’s time to start building some serious teams. The Uso’s are the best team going right now, and are the rightful tag team champions. You also have teams like Rybaxel, Harper & Rowan, Cody & Goldust and even The Ascension in NXT. They’ve been slow building the tag team division for awhile, but now is the time to get it back on the map.
  • Secondary titles (IC, US) need to be important again. You have two great workers (Barrett & Sheamus) holding the titles with a slew of challengers just waiting for more spotlight. Personally, I’d love to see a Sheamus/Cesaro feud for the US title and a Barrett/Ziggler feud for the IC title. These are four guys that can give you 15-20 minute of solid, heavy hitting psychological matches. It even leaves room for triple threat/fatal four way matches with guys like Del Rio, Van Dam and Swagger.

The possibilities are endless for WWE right now, and even though you never want to see a guy get sidelined with an injury, they have enough talent to keep putting on quality shows. It’ll be interesting to see where they go from here.

– Ryan

Happy Elimination Chamber Weekend!

The road to WrestleMania (and the WWE network) is well under way, with only tomorrows Elimination Chamber and a handful of Raw’s and Smackdown’s separating us from the granddaddy of them all. The Elimination Chamber isn’t usually included on most people’s list of the “Big 4” pay per views but more times than not it’s the first time we see most of the WrestleMania matches take shape. While wrestling sites have been speculating for weeks about the WrestleMania matches for most of the main eventers on the current rosters, there is one man who’s immediate future can literally go in any direction.

The giant swinging, receding hairlining, no knee pads needed Cesaro. I’m not here to pump Cesaro’s tires, or say he should be in the main event of WrestleMania, because he shouldn’t..yet. I’m here to plead, PLEAD, the WWE to do one thing this Sunday at the Elimination Chamber: end the show with Cesaro and Daniel Bryan in the ring. I dare anyone to tell me with a straight face that Cesaro, or Bryan, eliminating Randy Orton after the other three competitors have already been eliminated wouldn’t blow the goddamn roof off of the Target Center in Minneapolis. This match needs a title change, and it needs a title change that isn’t in jeopardy until the final pin fall. Why not let the last two participants be Bryan and Cesaro, so the WWE Universe knows the title HAS to change hands? Sheamus and Christian are non stories, John Cena, as much as I respect him, doesn’t need the title. Give me 10 minutes of Bryan and Cesaro to close the PPV and I’m a happy man. Or have HHH screw over Bryan, Orton win and create the worst WrestleMania main event in the history of the world. Balls in your court, WWE. Just know that denying Cesaro, is denying a 100 rotation swing.

And the New WWE World Heavyweight Champion Is…

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Randall Keith Orton. Fans would have complained no matter what the outcome was, unless Stone Cold, The Rock and the Undertaker all came out and had a 10 hour match. I’m just glad we have a definitive winner, and now the official slow build to the road to Wrestlemania can begin. After last night, CM Punk looks like the strongest contender for the title, after he beat all three members of The Shield. Who do you think should challenge Orton for the World Heavyweight Title? Let us know!

– Ryan

John Cena Cannot Be Denied. Not Even By You

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Last night was WWE’s Survivor Series PPV. The event, unofficially billed as one of WWE’s “Big 4 Four” (Summer Slam, Wrestlemania, The Royal Rumble, and Survivor Series), was quite the show, even though Orton vs Big Show left me wanting more out of the topped billed fight (But that’s for another blog titled “Don’t put Big Show in Main Events”)… I digress. The story and best part of last nights PPV was Cena vs. Del Rio for the Heavy Weight Title. Yes, the Wyatts vs. Bryan and Punk was awesome, but right now I would like to talk Cena with y’all.

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First off, nobody, and I mean NOBODY gets a crowd reaction like John Cena. Good or bad, there is no other visceral reaction like that in professional wrestling. Put Cena in a match, the crowd will go nuts for the guy. “Cena Sucks!” “Lets Go Cena!” echo throughout stadiums all over the world. The beginning of his theme music can be like a well placed hand grenade. Send him out and watch the place explode.

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I could really talk about the “Cena-effect” (Copyright Matt Vieira) for hours so i’ll move on. The other thing that sets Cena apart from other wrestlers on the WWE roster is his caliber of matches. Say what you want about the guy, but he knows his way around the squared circle and how to put guys over. Case in point, Money in the Bank circa 2011 Jonh Cena vs. CM Punk for the WWE Title.

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One of my favorite matches of the last 10 years, and the moment Punk became the man he is today. Why? Because of the man across from him, John Cena. A great series of Promos and the eventual fight will go down in history as some of the best programming the wrestling world has ever seen.

Gone, the days of the “five moves of doom”. Cena’s repertoire of moves has grown exponentially in the last year, and last night it showed. Cena is the peoples champ, the most popular guy in the industry, and, despite Orton’s title, the face of the WWE. John Cena is what’s good for business.

-MattyV

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