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Happy Name Day, GoldenEye 007

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Way back in 1997, I got my grubby little sausage fingers on a game that, unbeknownst to me, would change, nay, DEFINE the landscape of the first-person shooter (fps) genre from that point forward. GoldenEye 007 on the Nintendo 64 (N64) is the Godfather of the modern fps, so join me as I gush over this masterpiece on its 20th birthday.

The N64 did a shit load of things right – great platformers, excellent graphics for its time, and some of the best first-party titles Nintendo has ever released, to name a few, but, the best thing about the N64 was playing with your friends. Before the N64, consoles needed adapters to play four players games. And even when you had these multi-tap adapters,

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most of the games weren’t optimized for four player fun. The N64 changed that by adding four controller ports right on the console, and GoldenEye 007 capitalized on it. Don’t get me wrong, I played the hell out that campaign mode, but my fondest memories from GoldenEye are playing multiplayer. Specifically in the Facility camped out in a bathroom stall…with a RC-P90 aimed at the door. My character of choice…Oddjob. I know this isn’t a popular decision among gamers, and I don’t care. In fact, please @ me so I can laugh in your face for picking anybody other than him. Strategic (height) advantages like you read about.

Going back and playing GoldenEye 007 after a long absence can be a bit jarring. The dual analog stick controls, that have become the standard of modern shooters, are nowhere to be found and the graphics are obviously not on par with modern consoles (or even mobile devices for that matter). But, in the end, none of that really matters. A few minutes into a multiplayer game of “man with the golden gun” and all the controls come right back to you. A few kills later and you can barely notice the strangely square head of Pierce Brosnan.

GoldenEye 007 is ground zero for thousands of games that have tried to imitate the feeling I had when I first played with my brother 20 years ago. It truly was, and is, a special game.

On GoldenEye 007’s birthday, let’s dust off our N64’s and play a round of “license to kill” …for old time’s sake.

-Matt

P.S. – Let’s pray GoldenEye 007 gets included on the N64 Classic (if it gets made). I would say it’s a given, but Nintendo can make weird moves sometimes.

P.S. (the sequel) – My 10 must-have titles on a N64 Classic.

  1. GoldenEye 007
  2. Mario 64
  3. MarioKart 64
  4. Body Harvest
  5. Super Smash Brothers
  6. Banjo-Kazooie
  7. Snowboard Kids
  8. Ocarina of Time
  9. Ken Griffey Jr.’s Slugfest
  10. Pokemon Stadium

 

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Happy 19th Birthday, Endless Waltz

Ok, technically Gundam Wing Endless Waltz‘s birthday was yesterday (August 1) get off my back…

Gundam Wing was my JAM and Endless Waltz is one of my favorite films of all time. Endless Waltz was the wrap-up movie (originally three separate OVA’s from Japan) to the 49 episode series, Gundam Wing. It was the swan song to a series that will stand the test of time in the world of Gundam. I know it has the stigma of being the first westernized Gundam anime, but that doesn’t stop me from loving the shit out of it. [Team Duo all the way.] Let’s all take a moment and observe the symphony that is Endless Waltz. If you have it on VHS like I do, or any other form of media, pop it in tonight and get your Gundam on.

The three beats of war, peace and revolution continue on forever…

-Matt

The Undertaker & His Hell in a Cell Birthday Cake Might Be My New Favorite Picture

The Undertaker will be fighting Shane McMahon inside Hell in a Cell in 10 days, but first he’s going to “celebrate” his birthday. I put the word celebrate in quotes because no man has ever looked more unhappy while surrounded by cake and toys. I guess that’s what happens when you spend your adult life getting buried alive, surviving flaming coffins and literally crucifying people. If we’re being honest, we wouldn’t have him any other way.

-Ryan

In The Most Depressing News I’ve Heard Today: The Mars Rover, Curiosity, sings “Happy Birthday’ To Itself

Poor little Curiosity, can’t even get a real happy birthday song, gotta sing it yourself. This is the second most troubling thing iv’e learned today, the first being that I discovered the largest raccoon on Earth living in my garage. Hey Curiosity, i’ll tell you what, come take care of my raccoon problem and i’ll come out to Mars every year on your Bday to sing you happy birthday. Deal?

-Matt

PS – You can’t harm the raccoon.

Prince George is About to Have the Most Boring 1st Birthday Party Ever

PrinceIt’s going to be a prince of a party.

Britain’s royal family has plans to fete Prince George’s first birthday with a private tea party in Kensington Palace, according to Vanity Fair.

The Royal heir will become a 1-year-old on Tuesday and he’s already proving himself to be a forward child — already walking on his own.

His parents, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, released a photo ahead of his birthday that shows just how much their little cherub has grown.

Stumped

I’m sure it’s great being apart of the Royal family, but Prince George is getting screwed here. Obviously as a soon to be 1-year-old he doesn’t have much say in his birthday party plans. He doesn’t have much say in anything since he probably can’t talk. But when he grows up and looks at pictures from his 1st birthday party and finds out it was a tea party he’s going to be pissed. You know what 1-year-olds don’t give a shit about? Tea. I’m not saying he needs a huge stripper blowout birthday party, but something in between that and a tea party seems logical. You’re the Royal Family; you have unlimited resources, and you land on a private tea party for your newest addition’s 1st birthday? The lack of creativity and effort is disappointing to say the least. Also, I’m not too familiar with the developmental stages of a baby, but the fact that he’s walking around before the age of 1 blew my mind. Is this normal? I’m pretty sure I wasn’t functionally walking until at least 4 or 5.

– Ryan

Happy Birthday to The Hoff, David Hasselhoff

A lot of people would put the drunk cheeseburger video on here to make fun of The Hoff, but not me. I mean who hasn’t eaten a cheeseburger off the floor in a drunken stupor before? I’ve done worse things. Horrible, unexplainable things. Anyway, today is the The Hoff’s birthday, so today we celebrate. How many German girls do you think he’s getting with tonight? I’m put the over/under at 73.

– Ryan

Happy Birthday Derek Jeter!

Not Funny

Just kidding. Prepare to be heckled like no other athlete has ever been heckled before on Saturday night.

– Ryan

Celebrating a Legend: The Michael Jordan Story

February 17th, 1963… Oh what a beautiful day it was. For most people, this date does not really mean much to them, but to a fan, a REAL fan, this is the day sweet baby Michael was born. From high tops to low tops, creating records and breaking records, Air Jordan was born, ready to conquer the NBA, and the world. As MJ turns 51 this year, I look back on his life and realize why I Idol this man. Who else can make $618 for boiling 1 egg for 5 minutes? Yes that is a true statistic. Look it up folks. {editors note: please don’t} But I also came to a realization that although he is one of the best players on the court, he really hasn’t been successful in “retirement”. Look at the

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Bobcats. You have Michael Jordan, the greatest basketball player in the history of the planet, running things behind the scenes. How are they THIS bad? The Bobcats are basically giving away tickets in Charlotte. If you ask me, something is wrong with that picture. Gambling is also a major factor in Jordan’s life. Betting on horses, craps, golf putts, whether or not the groundhog is going to see his shadow; you name it, Jordan will bet on it, and that’s a major factor in Jordan’s post playing career decline.

As 2014 begins, it looks like Jordan and his new wife Yvette can open up a new chapter in their lives, which is welcoming to the world their newborn twin daughters. Stand back Olsen twins, Michael Jordan has twin daughters. There is a new power ensemble to contend with, and they just so happen to have the last name Jordan. While Jordan already has 3 other children with his previous wife, two boys and a girl, they never really lived up to MJ’s expectations. The lads attempted to play some basketball but even with Jordan mentoring them, they just didn’t have it. My first thought was that MJ is going to have these girls in the gym 24/7 building them up to be the WNBA’s worstnightmare(s). But then I came to the realization that although the Jordan brand will forever live on and be successful, why not have these girls carry the Jordan name in a different direction? With their dad’s mentorship, they have the ability to eventually take over the family business, and Jordan’s family business is owning a basketball team.. It makes sense in this perspective: Jordan is always trying to come out with new shoe and clothing designs; why not have them learn early on in life so they can make some magic and keep that Jordan Brand as popular as ever?

I wanted to thank everyone for taking the time out of their day to read my article. I also want to thank Michael Jordan for giving myself and many others that false hope that we could actually play as good as him if we bought his sneakers. Long live the king.

– Derek

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