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Bill Paxton Not Being Named The Sexiest Man Alive Is a Crying Shame

BPHe continues to smite bad guys as a hammer-wielding Norse god in The Avengers, will fight off a terrorist hacker in Michael Mann’s upcoming cyber thriller, Blackhat, and battle a whale in Ron Howard’s In the Heart of the Sea, but there was no contest when it came to naming Aussie Chris Hemsworth this year’s Sexiest Man Alive.  

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Usually I’d pining for Clooney in this spot, but he’s already won it like 15 times so I understand giving somebody else a chance. What I don’t understand is the arrogance of this article and picking Chris Hemsworth. There was no contest? I happen to know a certain 59 year old man from Forth Worth, Texas who disagrees. Fact: Bill Paxton discovered the Titanic. Fact: Bill Paxton saved Helen Hunt from a goddamn twister. Fact: Bill Paxton went to the moon. Fact: Bill Paxton saved Mighty Joe Young. That’s pretty sexy to me. What has Chris Hemsworth done? Yes he was Thor and Captain Kirk’s dad (which still technically makes him Captain Kirk, I think), but in the grand scheme of things, we’re not talking about the land of make believe. I can pretend to be a superhero and some nerd on a fake spaceship. Bill Paxton actually did all of those things. They’re not movies to Bill Paxton, they are REAL LIFE. If that’s not the definition of sexy, then I don’t know what is.

– Ryan

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Monster Blog Wednesday: Our Favorite Secondary Holidays

Christmas. Thanksgiving. Bill Paxton’s birthday. These are some of the major holidays the western world celebrates, usually by watching sports and eating so much food that we genuinely hate ourselves afterwards. While everyone has their favorite major holiday (Bill Paxton’s birthday, obviously) we feel that the secondary holidays don’t get any love. Just because there isn’t a fourteen course meal planned around arguing with your family over your future doesn’t mean that the holiday isn’t important. Here are our favorite secondary holidays.

Cinco De Mayo

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4th of July gets a lot of love, and rightfully so. What’s not to love about wearing American flag shirts, drinking Bud heavy’s and screaming about how much you love America? While I love a good cookout and pretty much any reason to binge drink, Cinco De Mayo has always had a special place in my heart. What we don’t get in a guaranteed day off from work we make up for with celebrating Mexico’s independence with tequila and all the Mexican food you can eat. Personally, spring doesn’t start until the Cinco De Mayo festivities begin. Any excuse to drink a case of Corona’s is a good excuse, too.

– Ryan

 

Black Friday

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Sure, Black Friday only gives you a day out of work because it comes after Thanksgiving, but hear me out on this. This sneaky holiday is probably the most versatile of all the holidays, While most people are out gouging out each others eyes for big screen TVs, the rest of us are nursing one hell of a Thanksgiving hangover with more food and beer. Nothing like a little buffer day between the biggest eating and drinking day of the year and the weekend. So go ahead, recharge those batteries and slip into a deep food coma, i’ll wake you when its spring time.

 

New T – Bill Paxton Discovered The Titanic

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The Average Nobodies, giving credit where credit is due. Click the shirt for more information and to get your own!

-The Average Nobodies

2 Guns Was Exactly What I Expected, And That’s A Good Thing

Movies are bound to let you down. They’re billion dollar a year businesses, with most of that money coming from advertising. With those billions of dollars, movie companies are able to hire the most talented and creative people for their projects. As fans, we’re subjected to months of trailers, talk show interviews and behind the scenes featurette’s that hype each individual movie as “the next big thing”. Pessimists almost automatically disqualify the movie as a failure. Optimists, such as myself, get sucked up in the hype, and no matter how many bad reviews they read, will spend money to see that movie in the theater.

For 2 guns, the action comedy starring Mark Wahlberg, Denzel Washington and (gasp) Bill Paxton, I tried a different approach: dissect the movie and the hype surrounding it with a realistic attitude. So many really good movies have been ruined because of an out of this world trailer. For example, the trailer for Superman: Man of Steel was one of the best trailer’s I’ve ever had the privilege of watching. The movie was good, but after watching the trailer 40 times, you unfairly expect a cinematic masterpiece, thus clipping it’s wings before it ever got a chance to fly.

Back to 2 Guns. When the trailer’s were first released and I heard who the 3 top billed stars were, it was almost impossible not to get sucked up in the hype. Marky Mark and Denzel as a good guy tag team against an evil Bill Paxton?! I felt like I died and went to movie heaven. Then I thought of Superman. And I remembered how a great trailer and massive hype ruined a movie I really wanted to enjoy. As I entered the theatre for 2 Guns, I was ready to watch a good/really good movie. Not a bomb, not a masterpiece. 2 hours of witty one-liners, impressive explosions and the guaranteed shot of a sexy Spanish woman’s boobs that are in every Denzel Washington movie (see Training Day, Flight, 2 Guns). That’s exactly what I got. Leaving the theater, I was glad I had realistic expectations for the film, but it still felt bittersweet. The Golden Age of Cinema is so far gone that you couldn’t see it with a telescope in your rear view mirror, but at least now I see modern movies for what they really are.

The bigger theme here, at least in my opinion, is how the once great praise we had for movies are now shifting to TV. Go anywhere in the country and you can converse with someone who feels the same way you do about Mad Men, or Breaking Bad, or Sons Of Anarchy. I doubt the same can be said about 2 Guns.

– Ryan

Pope John Paul II On His Way To Sainthood Is A Direct Slap In The Face To Bill Paxton

VATICAN CITY (AP) — Pope John Paul II has cleared the final obstacle before being made a saint, awaiting just the final approval from Pope Francis and a date for the ceremony that could come as soon as Dec. 8, a Vatican official and news reports said Tuesday. The ANSA news agency reported that a commission of cardinals and bishops met Tuesday to consider John Paul’s case and signed off on it. A Vatican official confirmed that the decision had been taken some time back and that Tuesday’s meeting was essentially a formality. One possible canonization date is Dec. 8, the feast of the Immaculate Conception, a major feast day for the Catholic Church. This year the feast coincidentally falls on a Sunday, which is when canonizations usually occur. The official, who spoke on condition of anonymity because he is not authorized by the church to discuss saint-making cases on the record, confirmed reports in La Stampa newspaper that John Paul could be canonized together with Pope John XXIII, who called the Second Vatican Council but died in 1963 before it was finished. There is reasoned precedent for beatifying or canonizing two popes together, primarily to balance one another out. John Paul has been on the fast track for possible sainthood ever since his 2005 death, but there remains some concern that the process has been too quick. Some of the Holy See’s deep-seated problems — clerical sex abuse, dysfunctional governance and more recently the financial scandals at the Vatican bank — essentially date from shortcomings of his pontificate. Defenders of the fast-track process argue that people are canonized, not pontificates.

– Yahoo/AP

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Wow. There are slaps in the face and then there are SLAPS IN THE FACE. Why doesn’t the catholic church just go to Bill Paxton’s house and kick his dog. Go beat up his grandmother in a nursing home. I am shocked and appalled. In all seriousness what did Pope John Paul II really do? Every picture I’ve ever seen of him he’s sitting in a chair. Tough life. I wouldn’t mind sitting in a chair all day wearing beautiful robes and fancy hats,  all the while being the moral authority for one of the largest religions in the modern world. Bill.Paxton, on the other hand, discovered the fucking Titantic. He chased down massive tornadoes with Helen Hunt. He went to the goddamn moon with Kevin Bacon and Tom Hanks. I don’t think I’ve ever been more upset about something in my life. If Bill Paxton isn’t canonized in my lifetime then I would have live an unfulfilled life. And it will be all Pope John Paul II’s fault.

– Ryan

P.S. No way the Pope can grow a beard like that. Paxton owns him again.

Milk Was a Bad Choice

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That’s it, I’m throwing in the towel.  It’s way to hot for me to live any longer. If you don’t find me shriveled up under my desk I have moved to Northern Canada. Send along my cat and send a letter to my family. Tell Bill Paxton I love him, and for the love of god delete my browser history.

How many more days till winter, Seanlite?

-MattyV

The Four Types of People You Follow On Twitter

Four Types of Twitter Follows

I have a confession to make: I love Twitter. It’s Facebook’s cool, hot cousin and it’s taken over the world. You can’t turn on a show without seeing each person’s twitter handle flashed beneath their name plate. While Twitter is mostly a positive thing, it does have one major drawback: anyone can tweet. Personally, I like to follow a lot of celebrities and professional wrestlers, which most of the time is really cool, primarilly because of the chance to interact with people who you would normally only be able to watch on TV. For every John Krasinki and Aaron Paul, there are thousands of keyboard warriors who ruin my day. With that said, here are the four types of people you follow on Twitter.

Celebrities

(Actors, Athletes, Musicians, Comedians) – Love ’em. I’m a huge movie, TV, sports fan, so to to be able to see celebrities interact via social media has always seemed cool to me. It almost feels like I’ve entered their inner circle, and I’m step one away from Clooney’s fancy, skinny dipping parties. I rank the celebrities slightly higher than my friends, mainly because celebrities post pictures of their yachts in Cabo and my friends post pictures of each other sleeping. (FYI: Clooney and Bill Paxton don’t have Twitter, and no I’m not ok with it.)

Stage 1 & 2 Friends

96% of my Twitter followers are people I’ve met at some point in my life. (the other 4% are sex bots) I’m not a complete savage, so naturally I follow some of those people back. Stage 1 friends are the people I associate with on a day-to-day or at least semi frequent basis. Then you have the Stage 2 or outer crust friends. These are the people you see at a bar on a random Friday night and they say “it’s been too long” but in the back of your mind your thinking even if you lived to be 500 years old it would be too soon to see them. Most of them live the same life as me, and I’m sure they’re just as bored with my tweets as I am with theirs, but without them, my @ tab would never have a down arrow. Celebrities may be cooler, but friends are more important (Clooney and Bill Paxton once again are the exceptions)

News-Breakers

Not quite celebrities, definitely not friends. But an integral part of your Twitter life nonetheless. Adam Schefter may be a midget, but on draft day, he’s the tallest man in the room. Consistently breaking NFL related stories before all the major networks (including his own). Depending on the season, this type of tweeter could potentially sneak into my top spot. Whether it’s movie news (indiewire) wrestling news (ewrestling) or random celebrity insanity (TMZ), the news breakers will always hold a special place in my peanut sized heart.

Porn Stars

I had to seperate the porn stars from the celebrities. Now when I first started following porn stars on Twitter, I expected them to be like everyone else. Do they get stuffed up for a living? Yes they do. But I gave them the benefit of the doubt, and asssumed their tweets would be just like any other self respecting actress. Boy was I wrong. Some of the filthiest shit I have ever seen in words has come from the fingers of one Bibi Jones. Oh you can’t find a decent guy? Maybe don’t tweet about jamming objects into every hole of your body next time. (Keep tweeting nude pics please)

Are there more than four types of people on Twitter? No.

Ryan

Oklahoma

Tragedy struck this past week in Oklahoma, where an F-5, the largest of it’s class, tornado ravaged homes and lives in middle America.  The focus of these events should be on helping the victims of the natural disaster, but I have to imagine that it will turn into a blame game sooner than later.  People pointing fingers at who could have done what, and who’s fault it is.  It’s no one’s fault, but mother natures.  That’s why it’s called a natural disaster.  In the next few days I can see politicians running to the front lines to argue  their positions on the event for political gain.  However, the only thing that should matter is the rebuilding of the lives the tornado had destroyed.  If we just had more time we could have gotten Bill Paxton down there to show this ‘nado who’s boss, but lady nature answers to no one;  Not even Bill Paxton.

On a more serious note, I’m sure there will be all types of statistics coming out about damage in dollars, injuries  and unfortunately, deaths, but the number that matters at this point is 90999.  Text the word REDCROSS to 90999 to donate $10 dollars in relief for the victims of Oklahoma F-5 tornado, if I’m not mistaken it gets added right onto your cell phone bill, and every donation goes a long way.  Stay safe Oklahoma, our thoughts and prayers are with you.

-Berno

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