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Amazon Customer Reviews – HARIBO Teddy Bears

“Just don’t. Unless it’s a gift for someone you hate.”

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If these reviews are any indication, do not, I repeat DO NOT ever buy HARIBO teddy bears. Now, let’s get to the reviews.

Out of body experience….

I am writing this review of Haribo Gummy Bears as a form of closure, from the psychological and physical extremes these candies have caused me….
It all began innocently enough on a fateful day in June when I discovered this wonderful deal on amazon. I happily clicked away upon my mouse and keyboard as I surfed my way towards 5 pounds of sugar free goodness. The next few days were filled with as much anticipation as it was filled with an unfiltered sense of happiness. You can imagine the day I saw the package on my porch, a series of high pitched wood hatch like happy noises escaped my mouth as my heart raced with pure joy….I tore into the package with a ravenousness rarely seen outside of the wilds of the African Sarenghetti…. Like a kid on Christmas morning! I spent the entire day bathing my taste buds in gooey goodness that is the haribo gummy bear…. Then as I slept soundly that night, not a creature was stirring not even a mouse… When out of the depths of the 7th ring of hell rose such a guttural roar of evil, causing me to shoot straight up out of bed… I was disoriented … Hallucinating…. I was led from my bed chambers by a midget sized giraffe named Raymond….. Though Raymond was pleasant enough I was terrified from the demonic bellows escaping from somewhere near by…. Raymond and I entered to land of a thousand toilets…. He skipped away whistling a tune of repression and sadness…. As my body seemed to float towards a giant golden toilet….. I was watching myself through the toilet water in my bathroom of my home, as I starred on with a mixture of confusion, pain and terror… My body gave birth to a mass of evil resembling something from the depths of the Everglades swamps in Florida… My body wretched about like a stripper on bath salts…. I let out screams that would make a mountain lion cringe… The smell was that of a thousand rotting plates of Indian food…. Tears flew from my eyes… Sweat soaked my exhausted body…. I awoke the next morning lying next to my toilet surrounded by homeland security… As I write this review I ponder why I clicked away on amazon that day… Now spending the rest of my life in maximum security for release of a WMD on American soil…..

Rumors confirmed

I ate 10…..10 thats it. Hell was still unleashed upon me.
A little backstory. I purchased some from a grocery store as a joke on my friends that unfortunately never came to fruition. Ive had them a little over a month now and they’ve just kinda been sitting in my room. Well today I was desperate for some candy and I had absolutely none. Then I remembered the bears. I then also remembered all the reviews that had prompted me to buy them as a joke. So I left them alone. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore and I figured if I just ate a few i’d be fine. Everything in moderation right? Wrong. I literally ate 10. Two hours went by and I was feeling pretty good about myself, I had absolutely no symptoms. Then a massive rumble came from deep within me. I thought nothing of it, figuring that would be it. Again I was wrong. 5 minutes later i hauled my ass into that bathroom and unloaded. Im pretty sure I saw some birthday cake from my last birthday in there somewhere. It burned like all hell and it came out like it had a score to settle with the little pond below me. I was just thinking to myself, “Why did I ingest these satan bears”
They’re so misleading too, they taste delicious so they deceive you even if you know their story. My advice. Just walk away. You don’t want this. I probably won’t need to poop for the rest of May.

Hello from the grave

Well I read all the reveiws and bought a bag because thats who I am… Or should I say was. I decided to eat all of them and I am dead now. That is all.

Hells Candy Inducers

~~Eat a bowl of Haribo, scorch your guts, s*** out your soul~~ should be the new theme for the commercials relating to sugar free version

They are real….all of the reviews are real

Heed my title… im telling you these gummy bears unleashed the 7 seals of hell inside my intestines….. i stayed on the toilet so long there was literally nothing left except gaseous anal air forcefully rattling my sphincter

I thought all of these reviews were B.S…. a marketing ploy to get people to try them which would have worked cause Im stupid

I ate about three handfuls during a meeting… within about an hour my stomach was gurgling… in two hours i was burping gummy bears and heading to the bathroom… 2 hours and 1 min…. my anal orifice was exploding

I couldnt concentrate on anything except perhaps the gummy bear families i had consumed had somehow bound their gummy bodies together and begun constricting around my stomach… its 8am and my stomach still isnt right….

I feel like a war torn soldier with the 1000 yard stare…. my belly was raped by tiny colored delicious bears

Lesson here: find a different brand of gummy bears unless you want to shit out your soul. If you have any funny Amazon review suggestions comment below or tweet us @averagenobodies.

– Ryan

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Brandon Marshall Just Gained a New Fan And I Pledge Not to Draft Him in Fantasy So His Career Doesn’t End Horribly

Good for you, Brandon Marshall. Genuine good guy move right here, and I’m so impressed by this that I vow not to draft him in fantasy football this year. Two things happen to players I draft: they get hurt, or they suck so bad you kind of wished they were hurt. I won’t put that hex on you, Brandon. You’re welcome.

– Ryan

Bears Are Taking Over New Hampshire And There Is Nothing Us Humans Can Do About It

Ya hear that Ed? — Wildlife officials in New Hampshire believe a bear is to blame for a series of recent car break-ins.

The New Hampshire Fish and Game Department says several cars have been broken into over the last few weeks in the same North Conway neighborhood. Officials say the likely culprit is a bear looking for food.

Terry Leavitt tells WMUR-TV (http://bit.ly/1ohNvNO ) the radio was pulled out of her dashboard. The interior was ripped apart and a window was smashed. Other residents also reported similar damage.

Conway police Sgt. George Walker says it’s a common occurrence this time of year as bears stop hibernating and search for food. And the suspect description is always the same: “black and furry.”

Looks like we got some real Einsteins patrolling the mean streets of North Conway, Hampshire. You THINK bears are responsible? A bear and a human do not look similar, so if the suspect description is “black and furry” there’s a solid chance that a bear is breaking into these cars. This could be phase one of the bears eventual takeover of New Hampshire. If you’ve never been to North Conway, it’s basically just a town in the middle of the wilderness. If a bear wants to attack you your pretty much done. If I were a bear this is how I’d start the takeover. The only advantage humans have over bears is our modes of transportations. We can get in our car and drive to safety, but if it’s a foot race between a hungry bear and a fat human that bear is winning that battle 10 out of 10 times. At least we have the intelligent cops of North Conway to protect us. The same cops who aren’t 100% sure that something described as “black and furry” is a bear. Humanity is in good hands.

– Ryan

 

This “Knockout” Game is a Total Disgrace

Actually, i’m not even sure you can call this a “game”. It’s more like a disgusting display of disgusting people doing disgusting things, and quite frankly….I’m disgusted. The only thing I am wishing for these days is for one of these pieces of shit to try and knockout an MMA fighter or a boxer so they can get their heads popped clean off their shoulders. I think I am going to start an elite task force (probably just me and a couple of my friends) to hunt these sons-a-bitches down and serve up justice, Average Nobodies style…….

-MattyV

Hopefully Bears Can’t Smell Crazy

Move over Florida, Rhode Island’s got crazy fever! This video of a Rhode Island NBC10 reporter explaining what to do when you see a bear is the craziest thing i’ve seen since Sharknado.  That’s how to repel a bear?? By looking at this girls survival tactics something tells me she wouldn’t last 2 minutes on ‘Naked and Afraid’. Apparently this is going viral, and why not?! It’s hilarious. And it already has a remixed version! That’s when you know you’ve made the big time.

-MattyV

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