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As Expected, John Cena Won the WWE World Heavyweight Championship at MITB Last Night

We were live in Boston last night for the MITB pay per view, which was awesome. The night ended with WWE’s golden boy, John Cena, climbing the ladder and grabbing the titles to become the new champion. It was predictable, but it also made sense, especially if Brock Lesnar’s return is as imminent as everyone thinks. Raw should be must see tonight!

– Ryan

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Your Average ‘Money in the Bank’ Preview

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Money in the Bank is live from Boston this Sunday, and the Average Nobodies will be there. Look for the 8 very inebriated guys wearing ref shirts and screaming obscenities while children look on in horror. Rusev/Big E and Summer Rae/Layla are rumored to be game day add on’s, but for the love of Bill Paxton, please no. Just send Lana out to warm up the crowd because we likey, but leave the other four in the back. Here are our predictions for the pay per view:

<Paige (C) vs. Naomi

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For whatever reason (not enough TV time, not enough talent) the Diva’s division has been the weak link in the WWE for a long time. With the mini resurgence of the tag team division, and legitimate stars like Bad News Barrett and Sheamus holding the IC and US titles, the Diva’s division is low on the totem pole by a large margin. With AJ Lee seemingly not returning anytime soon, it’s up to this current crop of Divas to lead the charge. This should be a fun, quick match: Paige has been impressive when given enough time, and Naomi is the most athletic Diva when she’s not busy getting her eyeball kneed into her brain. WWE has been teasing a Funkadactyls breakup for a few weeks now, so we can see Cameron costing Naomi the match here and Paige retaining.

Goldust & Stardust vs. Rybaxel

Say what you will about Stardust, but he’s different. The most common complaint among WWE fans is that wrestling is too predictable and boring, and now that we have Stardust, he’s too over the top and weird. MAKE UP YOUR MINDS PEOPLE. Cody Rhodes is a great performer, whether he’s wearing a facemask or face paint, so as long as he’s in the ring I’m happy. Goldust is enjoying one of the best stretches of his career, and combined with Cody’s newfound persona, they have the potential to be a really fun tag team. On the flipside, Rybaxel have found their latest niche, and have some serious chemistry as a tag team. Goldust and a variety of partners have been fighting Rybaxel for what seems like years now, but I think the addition of Stardust can give this match the freshness it needs. Fingers crossed for Sin Cara-esque mood lighting, and we see Goldust and Stardust continue their momentum and grab a strong win.

The Uso’s (C) vs. Harper & Rowan

If this event didn’t showcase two ladder matches, I’d say the tag team title match between The Uso’s and Harper & Rowan would have a chance to steal the show. Either way, I expect this match to be exciting, mostly because it has the perfect dynamic: agile, popular faces versus tough, monster heels. Both of these teams look best when their opponents really sell their moves, and The Uso’s REALLY sell moves, while Harper & Rowan can really move and eat planchas and super kicks.  Look for Harper & Rowan to control most of the match with their overwhelming power, but hopefully The Uso’s will retain, continuing this feud until Summerslam when Harper & Rowan nab the gold. Also, very excited to experience Harper & Rowan’s new entrance live. If you haven’t seen it yet, watch the video above or check out our post on it.

MITB Ladder Match For the Briefcase: Seth Rollins v. Dean Ambrose v. RVD. v. Kofi Kingston v. Jack Swagger v. Dolph Ziggler v. Bad News Barrett (?)

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The question mark is after Bad News Barrett’s name because apparently Jack Swagger hates when other wrestlers gain momentum. Swagger tossed Barrett into the barricade on Smackdown this week and separated his shoulder. With Barrett most likely out of the match, the favorites to win have to be Rollins and Ambrose. They have the only “feud within the match” storyline, and look for Ambrose to do everything in his power to make sure Seth Rollins doesn’t grab that briefcase. Which means Seth Rollins will grab that briefcase. While I’d love to see Ziggler win, Rollins winning makes the most sense. He just turned heel, and has aligned himself with The Authority. Getting the briefcase is the boost his new character could benefit from, and also adds another dimension to the Ambrose/Rollins that will probably continue on after the pay per view. Swagger, Kofi, RVD and Ziggler round out a stellar cast for this match, and it should feature spots galore. And if WWE needs a replacement for BNB, we’ve got you covered:

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MITB Ladder Match For the Title: John Cena v. Randy Orton v. Sheamus v. Alberto Del Rio v. Cesaro v. Bray Wyatt vs. Roman Reigns v. Kane

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(Couldn’t find a picture with Kane in it which pretty much sums up his chances)

It’s fun to be optimistic sometimes, and predict that a real fan favorite (Reigns) or a bad guy who’s turning into a fan favorite (Wyatt) is going to win this match. But then you see this bright green shadow decked out in arm bands and jorts and you come back to reality. Nothing would be better than having one of the younger guys (Cesaro, Reigns, Wyatt) end the show standing atop the ladder with both titles, but it’s just not going to happen. In the long run, that’s a good thing. There is a certain streak conqueror we haven’t seen since WrestleMania who will absolutely be back in the next month or so (or sooner, see below) and that Beast will be coming for the WWE champion. Giving any of those guys their first major title only to have them get destroyed by Lesnar at Summerslam makes zero sense. While Cena winning may suck at first, it makes sense. Lesnar/Cena will draw in the fans and the viewers for the pay per view, and the rest of the participants in the MITB title match aren’t hurt by a loss because not only did they lose to Super Cena, but neither of them were pinned or submitted. So Cena will most likely end the pay per view atop the ladder, but don’t rule out Lesnar storming the ring post match and laying him out, sending the crowd into a frenzy and making this Monday’s Raw a must-see.

– The Average Nobodies

Luke Harper & Erick Rowan’s New Entrance Theme is Perfectly Creepy

One of the highlights of Raw last night was Harper and Rowan continuing to branch out on their own, this time coming to the ring with their own entrance theme. The song reminds me of a really creepy carnival tune, except instead of a couple of clowns coming out from behind the curtain, two monsters with beards appear ready to rip your face off. The Uso’s are awesome, but Bray and the Wyatt family are far and away the most interesting characters in the WWE right now, so I’ll be rooting for them to steal the tag team titles live in Boston this Sunday.

– Ryan

The Hypnotist Bandit is Terrorizing California

Wet Bandits FBI agents are hunting a “Hypnotist Bandit,” who makes major eye contact during bank robberies.

The suspect reportedly stares at tellers as he hands over his demand note — and then refuses to look away as they hand over the cash.

He’s believed to have hit up four money houses in California in the past week.

Striking twice on June 3, he allegedly stole an undisclosed amount of cash from institutions in in Temple City and South El Monte.

The mesmerizing marauder is also accused of robbing another bank in Pasadena on May 27.

Doc Rivers dumbfounded

“Who makes major eye contact during bank robberies.” That’s a first. So this guy is being persecuted because he has fantastic people skills? Isn’t that what everyone is complaining about nowadays? All those kids texting and playing Candy Crush instead of some good old fashioned conversation and eye contact. I guess what he makes up for in eye contact he lacks in decision making skills. Is robbing a bank smart? Probably not, but this guy isn’t perfect. Do you expect him to have perfect people skills AND make all the right decisions? I think that’s asking too much of a flawed human being. On a serious note, does this guy carry a weapon? I’ve read the article and nowhere does it mention that he has a gun or a knife or anything. He just hands you a note, stares into your soul and takes all your money. That’s power.

– Ryan

If I Took One Look at Robert Short I Could’ve Told You He’d Be a Terrible Bank Robber

Dope“An Oregon police affidavit says a robber at the Home Federal Bank two weeks ago demanded money by giving the teller a note written on the back of a grocery receipt.

It was only part of the receipt, Bend Detective Jeff Frickey said in the affidavit, but it had the last four digits of a food stamp account and the account balance — enough to get investigators going.

State records provided a name to go with the account number, the Bend Bulletin reported, and an online search of the name turned up a pawn shop transaction with a telephone number.

A service provider then came up with the coordinates of the phone, the Stillwater Campground in Central Oregon.

That, the affidavit said, is where 54-year-old Robert Short was arrested on theft and robbery charges.

At an interview afterward, Frickey’s affidavit said, Short denied the charges, saying he never keeps receipts and would have thrown it in the trash, where anyone could have picked it up.

He also said that a hitchhiker must have stolen a black stocking cap that police kept as evidence after it was knocked off when the robber and a bank client struggled during the April 24 holdup, the affidavit said.

Police told Short his DNA was on the cap.

A plea hearing is scheduled May 27.

Short was held without bail at the Deschutes County Jail. It could not be determined immediately Wednesday whether he has a lawyer.”

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This isn’t meant to sound braggy, but I could’ve told you Robert Short would be a terrible bank robber. He looks like someone who would be in a slideshow of dumb criminals. Situations like these always baffle me. Obviously the guy isn’t doing so good. He looks like shit, he’s on food stamps; not his finest hour. But would it kill him to find a blank peice of paper, or any peice of paper that doesn’t have his personal account information on it? Bank robbing 101: don’t leave any trace evidence behind, especially something like a grocery receipt with a food stamp account number on it that the police can trace back to you in 4 seconds. It looked like Short put up a good fight though. He strikes me as someone who wouldn’t keep his receipts, and although the hitchhiker story seems kind of farfetched, it could work. Then the police just drop the hammer on him. DNA was on the cap. I imagine this is when he just wished he was dead. Game over Robert. Next time don’t use your personal grocery receipt as a robbery note.

– Ryan

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