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4 Reasons Why Ron Swanson is the Best Mentor We’ve Ever Had

1. The Ron Swanson Pyramid of Greatness

– Every great man needs a pyramid of greatness. Unwritten rule of life. This is how boys become men, and men become heroes. Ever heard of a hero drinking skim milk? Neither have I.

2. Eat Like a Champion, Live Like a Champion

– Steaks, eggs, bacon. If you can’t succeed on that diet, maybe you’re not cut out for life in the fast lane. I know for a fact that if I only ate steak, bacon and eggs during my childhood I’d be a professional athlete. Or dead. Either way, Ron Swanson is right.

3. The Power of the Mustache

– Behind every mediocre man, you’ll find a great man with a mustache. Teddy Roosevelt, Martin Luther King, Jr, Tom Selleck, Freddie Mercury, Ron Swanson. All American heroes. All hall of fame mustaches.

4. The Best Government is No Government At All

– I’m not saying the government shutdown wouldn’t have happened if Ron Swanson was in charge, but there’s a good chance it wouldn’t have happened. That’s the beauty of the pyramid of greatness: it’s useful in ever facet of life, including the government. Combine that with his eating habits and panty dropping mustache, and you have the greatest mentor in the history of the world.

– Ryan

Apparently Everyone in North Dakota is Insane

“A bacon-eating, beer-guzzling burglar is on the loose in North Dakota.

Last week, a 30-year-old Bismarck woman told police that someone broke into her home, then cooked some of her bacon in the microwave, The Bismarck Tribune reported. Three cans of Bud Light were also missing from the residence. The break-in took place sometime between 7 a.m. and 6 p.m. Monday, when the resident returned home and noticed the distinct scent of cooked bacon lingering in the air.

It is unclear whether the suspect, if caught, will face additional charges for the unforgivable crime of cooking bacon in a microwave.

The delectable salty breakfast food has lured others to criminal activity in the past.

Last year, a Missouri man was sentenced to seven years in prison after breaking into a stranger’s home and frying bacon in her kitchen, according to the St. Louis Post-Dispatch.

And in 2011, three teens broke into a store freezer in Indiana and made off with $90 worth of bacon.


First we had the hero who’s writing fat kids letters for Halloween, and now we have the most laid back burglar of all time. Why even report this to the police? The guy was obviously craving bacon, and he must’ve ran out. The only crime I can think of would be to not enjoy a few bud lights while cooking said bacon. You’ve already went through the trouble or breaking and entering the house and cooking the bacon. Treat yo self with a few beers. I wonder if this was the first house he broke into, or did he need to break into numerous houses to find one with bacon? Either way, the clear motive was a bacon breakfast. The breaking and entering part was just collateral damage. Whether they find this mastermind or not, one thing has been made very clear: North Dakota news reporters are awful at getting people’s names for their stories.

– Ryan

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